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All I can be is just me... Here I am for all to see, love me or leave me alone.

Into Pain



Why is it that no matter how much time passes, and no matter how much better your life can get, there's always that one, the one you lost, no matter what the reason, all be it unexpectedly, with no closure, you could harbor years of anger and even hate to help you feel less jilted or hurt... Suddenly just when the pain is nearly forgotten, life is on track, you are succeeding in your field, your lives paths have once again crossed... POW, like lightning, you are jolted off course and thrown for a loop......? WHY? 

Why do we always try to test fate, try to figure out the purpose for everything, as if we can crack some secret code to life? Trying to answer for the "what if's" and the "why's" Why do we think everything happens for a reason? Is that a sign of hope or faith? What if it is? How do we know when it's FALSE hope? What if it's not and we are just fucking things up? With so many choices, how do we know where to rest our faith? If everything is just a test, when do we start living and actually enjoying life? Where is the balance between good and evil, and why am I always spinning and teetering on what I can only presume is the narrowest thread of the grey area? 

Do I instinctively like pain? Do certain people just have a certain magnetism for each other? Is there really a higher power controlling all this shit? I know if I had some little civilization that I could control and arrange, my sick mind would rule, I would be fucking with people constantly! 
I believe I just answered all of my own questions... Now, since I going to constantly be tested like this, should I finally abandon all the "sick", sadistic thoughts in my head, surrender, conform, and just follow the rest of the herd?? I guess it's my destiny to be frustrated and laugh in the face of all of it, as I will NEVER be a sheep.

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