About Me

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All I can be is just me... Here I am for all to see, love me or leave me alone.
AA is a group of sick people working to get well, we go to learn how to live a quality life without alcohol (and/or drugs). With the help of those who came before us, we watch the others, we take what we need and we leave the rest, we try to live a day at a time without hurting one another, and we work on our individual shortcomings rather than pointing out the shortcomings of others, these are all things that do not come easy for the alcoholic, which is why we keep coming, and in time, things get better. We learn about things like patience and tolerance, we hear and see slogans on banners that say things like, "Live and Let Live" and they suddenly start to mean something to us, we are able to reflect back upon our own behavior in early recovery, and we start to see how sick we truly were, and years later, if we keep doing the next right thing, we can still see how sick we continue to be, or still are! We learn how to be grateful that this is a journey not a destination, nothing is meant to be done perfectly. I have days where I want to jump out of my own skin rather than to listen to someone dumping their problems on the group, however, I also have days where my problems feel like the most catastrophic issues of the world and when I try to talk about them everything comes out like a manic cyclone of drama and emotion... I don't want to be viewed as the over dramatic psycho, but maybe that is my fear of people actually getting to know who I am inside, childish, grandiose, and insensitive...

18 and Straight-Edge, STILL My Daughter

The more things clear up for me, the sharper the reality becomes. I am a product of two people who have always had their own internal, personal, or even psychological issues and both continually make the same poor choices, and refuse to acknowledge that they "own" even a fraction of accountability for the things that happen in their lives as a result.

That is OK, I have no control over them, or how they wish to live their lives, and I made one poor choice in leaving my daughter with one of these people when I was actively abusing drugs and couldn't take care of her myself. Sort of a lesser of two evils decision, there really wasn't a better one in hindsight. So for the past 6 years while I've been soul searching and working through 12 step programs to make a serious effort to improve my thinking on a daily basis, my child has been living in the very toxicity which I could not bear. I did make room for my daughter to come and live with me, repeatedly extended the offer over the past 4 years and finally stopped asking. She knows that she wouldn't be allowed to live the way she does where she is. (Up all night on the computer or playing video games, sleeping all day, no job, poor hygiene, no structure, no therapy, no school). I can't control how a teenager behaves, but I can lay down the boundaries of what I am willing to tolerate in my own home.

Needless to say because my child has not lived with me for several years and is now 18, she's not really interested in the whole mother daughter relationship. I have talked with her about drugs, about alcohol, about sex, about peer pressure, about anger and rage, she views everything as a lecture, and responds with "I know, Mom". She won't talk about anything but girl gossip and teen-aged drama, I don't  know what to give her on birthdays and holidays, because she is so over-indulged to begin with. She's over 300 pounds, her inevitable addiction has manifested itself in food, although she denies it. I don't know how to help her and suddenly it becomes clear that she doesn't WANT my help. I can't be the one who helps her, I get that, but I am the only one trying. In fact, I am the only person in my family working on improving my life, and that makes me the enemy.

My daughter, views me as an asshole for having not pulled my head out of my ass 12 years before so that I could have been the mother she imagines I would be. My mother thinks that insanity is a choice and blames my father's side of the family for the choices I made which "made [me] crazy". Both are living in the past. I made my amends, and continue to, I follow through by being available and reliable and keeping my promises, my temper improved, although there were many days when I had to cut my visit short, as my bullshit meter was in the red and I was about to blow a gasket.

Which brings us to yesterday. Thanksgiving Saturday with my mother and daughter, out to lunch and to a movie... We get to the restaurant and my anorexic mother says she doesn't want to eat, but orders a meal anyway so that my food addicted daughter can have two entrees. When I make a comment about it, my daughter decides she doesn't want anything at all. The tension begins, there is a disturbance in the force, and I am already the bad guy for having pointed out the obvious. Then we go to the movie, walking back to the car, it is COLD out, my daughter is dressed for early fall not 30 degree weather, starts complaining about the temperature. I point out that she's not dressed for the weather, she argues that her winter coat is no warmer... Naturally, I say, do you need a new winter coat? She says "No, I hate the cold weather" (she has never lived in or even visited ANY other climate). My response is, "OK then, get a job and move out to a warmer part of the world" She SNAPS before I know it she's gone, now my mother and I are sitting in the car while she has her tantrum somewhere outside in this cold which she cannot handle... 30 minutes go by and she finally gets in the car, I ask her why she took off, especially if she is "so cold" she flips out again, almost psychotically, screaming at the top of her lungs and making little to no sense.

The general barrage of fuck you's and I hate you's were followed up by, "You were never there" and "you don't even care" as it turns out, the trigger phrase that had set her in motion was the "get a job" part. "I've been trying so hard to get a job, Mom, you don't even know." A better parent may have allowed this to end right then, however my parents did me a dis-service by not calling me on my lies and bullshit. Earlier in the week and again in the day, I had asked my daughter if she had tried on ANY of the $200.00 worth of clothes that I had bought her 5 weeks prior, "not yet" was the response. Considering those clothes were "help find and secure a job" clothes... Considering every one of her "posts" on social media sites was something about video games or horror movies, and had been time stamped all throughout the hours of the night when most people sleep, and my mother had been complaining to me that she sleeps all damn day long when most people job hunt, I called her out. I threw the bullshit flag, without a notion of my how my actions would be received, and it was ugly.

Although emotionally hung over, I do not regret what I did. I placed the accountability back on my 18 year old, because my mother never did (on either of us). Of course blame has been passed through the family several times, not the same, and not something that I have time for. My daughter has adapted her skills to be in shape for the blame game and this has become very convenient for her. I made it very clear that I wouldn't allow her to lie to herself in my presence. We all make our choices, and we are not victims of the consequences when we make one that doesn't turn out the way we WANT it to. Since life is such a learning experience, I am grateful today for the consequences of my choices, some are a jagged pill to swallow, but all are a direct result of the way I choose to make decisions.

My mother and daughter may never change, what changed yesterday was my participation in their game. I do not have to go to every fight I am invited to. I've changed and I will continue to change, I am a work in progress and I do not do everything right. However, I crawl beneath no one, and owe no more apologies to this family. My amends are continued as I live and continue to grow and continue to learn from the errors of my ways, like any adult is meant to do. I hate the thought that my daughter is inevitably going to have to suffer through some of the most difficult times of her life, almost needlessly until she finds that she's lying to herself and that blame doesn't matter. Other people's behavior doesn't matter, as it is uncontrollable, that all she can control are her own actions and reactions to her choices and consequences. However what she finds along the way is part of her journey, not mine, and I refuse to be abused any longer.

Sheep... and Easy

I will save you, come on over here. Just listen to me, and do as I say. Don't listen to them, don't trust them, they are evil, trust me. I am good, I am going to help you, I will save you. They only want to hurt you, run to me, hurry, I will keep you safe, they are trying to destroy you, I will fight for you, I will put an end to your pain, I understand you, I will take care of you, I will love you, we are family now, look at me, I would never hurt you, I am going to make it alright, don't ask why, just do what I am telling you, and you will be happy, you will be healthy, you will be better off, this is the better life, the better choice, the better way, they best way.

Sound familiar? Of course it does, it's been going on since the beginning of time. These are words which are just as likely to come from a cult leader to a new prospect, as a Catholic steering a  child away from Protestants, or a Christian speaking ill of Muslims, Democrats vs, Republicans, Whites vs. Blacks, Ford vs, Chevy, Pepsi vs Coke, Colleges battling for high school aged athletic phenoms, or any other combination of opposing or competitive forces. What used to be viewed as a healthy or natural rivalry seems to have been replaced with blatant lies, rhetoric, and pure hate.
In fact the older I get, the more it appears a deliberate campaign against each social group, religious organization, sports team, political party, and the like... one needless and exhausting conflict after the other. It seems like coexisting, living in unity and harmony with one another are against somebody else's game plan. It's simple to see how we can be led down a rabbit hole.

Both psychology and history both state and illustrate very clearly, that if you can focus in on specific pain points, you can sell anything to any audience. Having that information, in conjunction with bearing witness to the exponential growth of fanatical tendencies in human beings, I can see how easy it would be to infiltrate a weak mind. There are so many to choose from. I will take you for instance, and like a wild animal stalks it's prey, I follow you around secretly, and study your behavior, your patterns, and your thought processes. 

As a good salesperson, I know how important it is that you identify with whatever pain point I create for you. I develop the perfect plan of attack, one that will turn you in the precise direction that I need you to be facing. I befriend you by making you and your best interests the main topic of conversation. I hone in on very specific truths that I discovered about you, that you don't know I already know about you, I slowly mesh these facts into the strike that rattles all the right nerves grab your attention, and blow your mind. 
For instance, let's just say for one example, that I discover that you are secretly afraid of black people. In my first approach, I make some small talk, and at the perfect moment, say something like, "Man, do you ever feel like these people just want to take over our world?" You agree, and I will go on to point out despicable cultural differences between you and the absolute worst example of a person of ANY race that I can use. This is not hard for anyone to do, these are statements which you would never bother to research or question. I might even tell you, "It's true, I swear, look it up!" This works because your fear of black people is fed by your imagination of the unknown my words just touch upon the little things that you have been subliminally taught with regard to hate. So your mind is already on overdrive and your feelings are being validated by me, your new pal. Even though everything I am telling you is complete and utter bullshit. I am sure that you are too lazy to look it up, and you definitely aren't going to run up to a black person and ask, as you're terrified that they will put a spell on you or some shit. 

So before you know it, I have you believing that all of the famous black rappers are Satanic Cult members and they speak to one another publicly, like terrorists, in secret Satanic language through television interviews and music videos. It doesn't matter how ludicrous the statement, if it goes AGAINST the person or people you feel threatened by, you feel as though you have an ally now. I tell you things like, "I was JUST LIKE YOU, and I learned about this, and now I can help you, too", That's the hook, you feel validated, you finally have a connection with someone who understood. I can say "Don't allow yourself to become a dumb sheep, following all the other sheep straight to the slaughter house". You feel empowered, U basically re-word the things you have already verified for me, I say things like "Did you ever feel scared or uncomfortable around these people when you were alone?" Of course you say yes, and now I have exposed your tender little underbelly. "It was because deep down inside you knew that they wanted to kill you. Don't you watch the news? These people are savages, all they do is kill and steal". You are now validated completely, and I go on to re-identify myself, "I was just like you, I felt the exact same way, and that's why we understand each other so much, we are alike". Don't don't listen to anyone else, their mixed messages will just confuse you, you are beginning to awaken to a reality that you have always felt was there, but it is a lot to absorb, it goes against everything you have ever been taught, this is the time for you to stay close, until you become strong enough to fight".
I've had the upper hand all along, I targeted you because you were depressed and lazy, abusive and angry, frustrated and vulnerable. It's not your fault, those are just the easiest ones to turn. It was because I struck the right nerve, you found trust in me. You soon begin to do everything I suggest. Simply because in your mind, it goes against the people who you fear most. You turn your attention completely away from the rest of the world, you hang on my every word, you are oblivious of the fact that you are being brainwashed. 

The fact is that you are becoming exactly what you believe I am helping to NOT be, which is a follower. You seem to have lost all rudimentary and all basic, fundamental understanding of who we are as people, losing touch with humanity, hating all who are different. You refuse to acknowledge the similarities between you and others who may choose to live in other walks of life, or worse, hating everyone who isn't publicly practicing your chosen belief system...
You believe you are standing up for what you are passionate about, but you are not, you are defending a pile of lies that you've been sold on. Can't you see what's happened? By trusting me that it was in your best interest to wake up and NOT be a sheep, a cult member, or a slave anymore, you've become MY sheep, MY cult member, MY slave! I am the pimp, and you are my bitch!

Taking Flight

As a continuous work in progress, I try to remain open to the things about me that I can change in hopes to achieve a more fulfilling and productive life. I find that birds of a feather often flock together. However birds that hang around in one place for too long pick up some hitchhikers along the way. 

I'm the bird who loves to fly, I fly with friends, I fly with strangers, I fly alone. I  am truly at my best when I am flying. I feel free; free of worry and anxiety, free of fear and free of sadness. I have no need to stress out about anything, all I need to do is take in the beautiful life I have been given. However this bird can't fly forever. I need to stop and refuel, I need to interact with other birds, I need to find birds who want to fly like I fly.

I find a spot to land, I introduce myself to new birds, I spend time with lifelong friends, I share tales of my journey, I listen to the stories of others, and I hear sad stories that touch my heart. Before I know what I am doing, I take the sad birds under my wing, I introduce them to other birds, I take them with me to some of my favorite vantage points. I share my zen-like appreciation for this whole wide world. 

The sad birds appear happier, they enjoy the experience, I think that for them it is life changing, and I must be helping them. I can see this because they continue to come back more and more to spend time with me.  It feels good to be wanted, needed, loved, accepted. I feel good knowing that I am the one they trust to help them with their sad lives. But each time they return they bring with them another chapter from their original, sad stories. I have become attached to my friends, they have spent some of the most beautiful moments of their lives with me. I have shared some of the most intimate feelings about this great life with them. I am wanting to fix their lives to eliminate the pain, I want to take them in, tape them up and nurse them back to health. Except, I'm no nurse! 

Their pain becomes my pain. I want them to experience the great days that we used to have when we first met, I want to see that profound change in their faces their smiles emerging from the deep frown lines in their faces. But that is gone. As they continue to return to their own lives and the sadness that rules them, I am frustrated and hurt, I feel as though I failed them, that I was helping them. The frustration transforms to anger, they chose their shitty life over this world of beauty, they deserve the misery, stupid fucks.

Like awakening from a deep sleep, I realize that days have gone by, weeks, months, I've been busy sulking about losing friends after wasting all that time trying to solve the problems of all of these wounded birds. I've become sluggish, emotionally weighed down. I don't even have the ambition to fly, and my friends are no better off than they day we met. They would rather stay there than move on beyond the sadness. I almost feel helpless, I've begun telling my sad story. Nobody seems to want to hear it. I feel so alone, and I have a small fire burning inside of my head, in the right light, you can see it in my eyes. 

There is no need for all this sadness, I pull myself up, I see that I've wasted all of this time and missed out on my life, and all of the great things in it that I enjoy, flying high and soaring above the stressors of life looking down upon them with a new perspective. I'm empowering myself again, I'm giving myself the opportunity to fly, and I am leaving all of the sad birds behind. I've let go of the resentment that I harbored toward them, they have seen a light at the end of their darkness, I have left the door open for them, should they choose to enter, but I am not going to go back and carry them through. When they are ready to end their sadness, they will take flight, until then, I cannot waste anymore of my life trying to bring anyone to a better life. I have hope for all of them, I wish to see them all some other day, on the other side. If I could do it, anyone can.

Laundry Blog : 11/11/2012

Laundry Blog: 11/11/2012

I walked into the laundromat today to find an elderly man with both laundry attendants, during shift change, they were showing him how to connect to the WiFi. Success, and within seconds, he is absorbed in whatever online activities he fancies. The laptop goes aside, and the man pops up, rushing to his laundry from washer to dryer, he makes a little small talk with a lady customer while tossing his clothes in, and scoots right back to the laptop for some more cyber connectivity. 
We are all hooked, from the very young, to the very old, the internet has a stronger hold on us than work, school, religion, family responsibilities, household chores. We are becoming socially awkward, cyber-enthralled, gadget-centric, app-for-everything minded. Our world is beginning to appear more and more a virtual reality. Perhaps more like the Matrix than we are willing to admit. I am as addicted to technology as to anything else I have chased. In recovery, I learned that I have a disease centered in my mind which makes me more prone to self-seeking behavior, or that which would provide me with instant gratification. 

I find that need for gratification far more widespread than for just someone having had struggled with addiction. As we humans evolve, so does our insatiable appetite for a quick fix. Gadgets like computers, smartphones, iPods, Netbooks, tablets, video games, and all the like were not designed to be put down. It's the nature of this beast, created by man, the addiction factor is deliberate by design. They were not designed to deliver delayed gratification, they were designed to bait us into wanting more. "More" is the current symptom of our society. 

In my own haste to get my laundry into the dryer and back to this blog, I barely noticed in a basket, beneath the dryer I was gunning for, a pile of about 6 credit cards. The man folding his clothes next to me said that they were not his, Walter was the name on the cards, so I approached the elderly chap, he did look like a Walter, after all!  My instincts were correct, his credit cards fell out of his chest pocket and into the laundry basket when he was loading it into the lower dryer. Of course, the poor man was having trouble with his computer too, so I helped him log into his hotmail account. 

When I leaned over, I noticed a patch on his vest, and a very distinct ring on his finger. I was surprised to learn that this rather frail, kindly, old man was a biker (Harley Davidson owner), and also a Free Mason. We had a nice friendly chat about life and living, I felt a sense of peace and ease in his presence. Walter was very thankful for my help. I don't know if he actually understood why I thanked him for being a part of my my day. Without his presence, the words may not have flowed, and the whole experience may not have sunk in. 
With regard to the calm that enveloped me when speaking with him, I am confident that someday I will find out that this experience proves to be a necessary detail of my journey. 
I am exactly where I am supposed to be today. 

Unlucky in Love or Crazy Bitch?

I wear misery like a jacket these days, it is not a good look on me. I am emotionally exhausted, taking it out on people who can think nothing of me besides the fact that I am a fucking lunatic. This dull mood wears me down and I can feel it eating away at my soul. 
Do I let go? Fuck no, the depression is familiar, it's my security blanket, and the "chase" is what I know. I'd say I'm good at it, but that's bullshit. Chasing what? A fairy tale? I'm infatuated with something I never even believed in. I'm hooked on a feeling (hahaha I never thought I would hear myself use that phrase). 
My mind seems to enjoy manufacturing a romantic story line to convince me that all of this shit is real. I must be nuts. I can see the ways that I sabotage my life. Even just by saying this love thing doesn't exist, while grasping desperately onto an unknowing warrior, and slapping a label on "us" so that I can appear to be "normal". 
When my hostage turns out to be as emotionally unavailable as I truly am, the drama of the situation rises up and my poor little heart is broken again, and again, what do you know... Oh, but now I can say I was right, and my theory appears to be true, there's no such thing as love. At the same time that I cling to the idea of Prince Charming riding in on his white horse and carry me off to happily ever after, I know in my mind, that I'm fucked in the head and that what I envision DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST. My twisted mind will make a prince out of anyone, and like a moth to a flame, I'm on the chase again. Crazy Bitch.

I Know You're Out There!

We all have good days and we all have bad days, we all do things that we wish we could do differently and we all have things we wish we could take back altogether. We all have personality quirks, and we all struggle with a certain level of insecurity. These things are a fact of life for any human being. 

Perhaps there is an abundance of things I would like to change about myself starting today. How to I know what things take priority? I feel like I need to understand things in order to put changes in place. I need to know a process before I can find more efficient ones, and the only way to know a process is to be a part of it. So if you hired me to help improve efficiency on your manufacturing floor, I would not be doing you any service to just tell you to speed up the line, if in fact there is are issues throughout the process. I am always looking for root causes...

As far as my shortcomings are concerned, there are some fundamental elements in my process which may have shaken loose and in some cases fallen completely out of the track. I need to get a handle on my temper, more so the fueled-by-stupidity tantrums that erupt, which in the most recent of days, spins off to pilot my already foul mouth and sharp tongue at an alarming real-time, instant. The cherry on top of this home-spun delight is my general disdain for authority. It is beginning to come clear now, that this is a caustic combination of traits when combined in a non-controlled environment. It appears that such an unstable mixture may become explosive in the least noticeable pressure change in ANY environment. So when one is subjected to corporate America, there is bound to be an explosion of mushroom cloud proportions.

As I understand it, stupidity and a lack of common sense is the root of my personality flaw. I can't eradicate all of the stupid people, I can't inject anyone with common sense. So what now? Kill myself?

No, that's too simple, and I can't possibly be the only one. In fact I know that I am not. Better yet, the only time in my existence that I feel as if I'm not alone, is when talking to one of these people, they are the only ones who GET ME, and they get me because they THINK like me. Most of the time, I feel like an alien in a strange world. I have become friendly with others like me. There are more of us out there, and the faster we can create unity, the better off we will all be... You don't have to be an addict, an alcoholic, a degenerate gambler, you simply have to identify with something that you've read in any one of my neurotic posts. 

The only requirement is to be a free thinking, open minded human being. You won't have to drink the Kool-Aid or wear a tin foil hat, your thoughts are welcome, come along for the wild roller coaster ride... 


I am not strong, so don't lean on me.

I am not smart, you don't want to hear what I think.

I am not sane, stay away! Why are you drawn to me?

Keeping up appearances is about the worst habit I could have picked up along the way. I have perfected the art of creating and presenting a false persona, one far different from what I am or how I feel under my skin. My insides do NOT match my outsides. Like an actor on a stage, I portray a likable and friendly, fun-loving, smart, strong, and well rounded individual. Internally I am antisocial, sad, angry, I spend a great deal of time in the clutches of an agonizing depression. It is like a bad neighborhood that you wouldn't want to be in alone. My gut tells me that these feelings have roots in living this lie which may not be unlike living a double life. A life and a lie which I don't believe I can continue to carry on. 

That is why I started this blog, and it is virtually unknown to people who think they really KNOW me. I want my fresh start on an empty canvas, a clean slate so to speak. I want to be me, without walls, with no aggressive defenses, and no bullshit. I want to make true friends based on who I am inside and that I am working to help myself heal from there, rather than continuously trying to put on a show. Such honesty would be sure to render me powerless over the cruel and calculated predator known as the human animal.

Trust does not come easy, as I feel as though I am vulnerable to exploitation if I am to allow an open view into who I really am. This may be why I am prone to abuse. I generally find the good in all people and become weakened as I listen to their sad, sorry, stories, I make convenient and well packaged excuses for everybody's shit-bag behavior. I put myself in danger by doing so and I continue to allow it and defend it and excuse it over and over and over until it hits a nerve. Then, being the extremist that I am, I turn to drop the motherfucker in the most vicious and dramatic reactionary style that any retaliatory attack could be. Unacceptable behavior needs to be nixed immediately, not tolerated until it reaches a breaking point.

Knowing this, one may presume, is instrumental in getting a handle on it... If only I knew how to view things for what they are as they are happening. I  sometimes feel that I am at an extreme just before I hit a wall and dramatically, I turn radically into the opposite extreme. So when dealing with people and the way I cling to the good and bypass the bad... In that exact moment of discovery, after extracting all possible inner goodness real or imaginary, the only alternative that my mind can see happens in the immediate and turns to complete suspicion and skepticism. Sniff out the conspiracy and go to any lengths to prove that there is one in play. 

I go through phases where I will pass this negative judgment upon any and all who I encounter. Therefor the slightest thing set's my neurosis of intolerance in motion. (As a post-conscious observation... especially relevant in the event of my own misunderstanding). If it defies logic, or neglects to make practical sense in my thought process, my tendency is to adamantly reject it, aborting all other protocols, casting it out as alien, and publicly voicing my displeasure. My sharp wit morphs to a razor tongue which aids in the personal dissection of  character. I'm on auto-pilot, spinning beyond my own control, while systematically, my cyclonic behavior constructs the soapbox that I stand upon while I emotionally execute my newly manufactured enemy.

What has seeded such extremes of passive and aggressive anger inside of me? Why do I continue to allow myself to become enraged when the slightest issue arises? Human beings aren't perfect, we ALL make mistakes, we ALL have issues around admitting we are making them, don't we? Why do I feel in the deepest point of my heart, that I have a purpose on this earth? When will it be revealed? Which way will I turn? Who am I supposed to help? I can't understand this fire and ice, bi-polar, good vs. evil, human oxymoron, love me or fucking kill me... chemical conundrum which drives me and tears me apart from the inside! 

Sometimes I think I can completely  accept all of this. In actuality, it is but a momentary thought that allows me to believe any of this it is within the limits of  my own comprehension. I am told to let it be as it is, but I cannot. At my core I'm a fixer, a problem solver, a puzzle finisher, and I won't stop until I've connected the dots. At this moment, I am in fear I may be losing my grip, I am shredded inside, the pain, it burns deep today, and I fear that I may be falling apart completely.