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Laundry Blog: December 2, 2013

... on Job Hunting in 2013


Dear CareerBuilder, Indeed, Resume Rabbit, Monster, and the rest of the information selling/swapping employment sites:
YOU SUCK. 

I've not had a  single valid lead on employment since joining your site, I've received nothing but SPAM about Male Enhancement, Mail Order Brides, or bogus investment opportunities!



Dear Employers: Have we forgotten that you can learn a great deal about a person in just one well managed interview?? 


The internet has promoted professional malaise. A laziness and disconnect that corporations have adopted by removing the HUMAN from human resources departments worldwide.


Modern Day job applications go like this:
First there is an hour long profile creation that requires a password selection that NOBODY can possibly remember because your password must contain 8 characters, a letter, a number, and upper case, a lower case, it cannot contain your date of birth or phone number, and MUST have at least one special character, but not ! or $ or /... 
Next there is a 42 step log-in process which brings us to the actual online application which takes another hour because it has not populated the data from your resume that you have uploaded in the wrong file format, an hour ago in the first step of the previous profile creation section. 
Now that you think you are ready to consider this 2 hour long application process complete. You're thinking it might be wise to mix a drink before going on to chase the next online listed job opening... 
You realize there is no "SUBMIT" button, only one which says "NEXT". 
So you continue down the rabbit hole to find 500 fill-in-the-dots question and answer  time waster commonly used as a most ridiculous personality profiling tool. Agree/StronglyAgree/Disagree/StronglyDisagree/Unsure...

After 90 minutes of feeling unsure of whether you are agreeing or disagreeing firmly enough or too firmly with regard to the section you're nearly done with, you decide to review your answers as if you were not an exhausted, mentally drained human with need to find a job, but an uppity HR snob whose greatest achievement in life was to remove the payee from her trust fund account when she turned 30. You're emotionally defeated now, judging yourself by the way you feel about shit that doesn't even matter. As you reach for a razor blade to slit your own wrists, you notice a button at the bottom of the screen that says "FINISH" which you triumphantly press wiping the sweat from your brow! 
Long refreshing exhale... look back up at the screen, *** IN RED *** a notification! Scroll to the top, which brings you right back to page one where you have abbreviated the word, "Street" with "St." the system will not accept it. You are swearing at the machine and the system which let you go on for hours in error. So you have to go back and fix all of the listed errors before you can move on. This process repeats 3-4 times before you give up altogether or throw your computer through the window. 


If we have been successful in our efforts, we can now press, "SUBMIT".


"APPLICATION NOT SUBMITTED, You will receive an email shortly"
What the hell...?!? Alas, there it is, an email stating that your application has NOT been submitted, further action is needed on your part. Now we will need to fill out one of those redundant questionnaires that have little to no pertinence to the position applied for. One mustn't forget the 45 minute long skills assessment test. 

Of course, we all must submit a writing sample, DOES THIS ONE COUNT?!?! 

Now the overpaid Cyber Recruiter Monkey with no life skills and a college semester in internet marketing, must check our references, send us for drug tests, make us wait for the results of criminal background checks, driving record checks, body cavity searches, and finally judge us on whether or not we filled out the "optional" identification form...


With no one to follow up with, no information about the position we have just submitted our soul to, there is no way to act upon OUR OWN professional due diligence or plan a next step... Your application, for all you know is floating around in cyberspace never to be read by anyone, you can't retrieve it, you've spent hours to leave your job hunt in the hands of the world wide web.


Three to five weeks later, IF we are LUCKY, Recruiter Monkey will send us an offer letter for $8.00 an hour, 12 hours a week, to hold a sign in front of a local pet store that says, "Puppy Sale Today". 


My fucking head hurts. 
Does anyone wanna buy a kidney? I think selling my own organs along with Beef Jerky and Carnations or even Blowjobs out of a minivan on the side of a road would be less painful and degrading than this!

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