I fall for liars, sociopaths, and egotistical narcissists... The reason is that I am all of these rolled into one.
How can I expect a higher quality human being to fall into my world if I myself, am no higher in quality? Is there any such thing? Am I completely off my nut?
I have attached myself to poisonous people, like a barnacle to a boat. I've dedicated myself, lost my identity and haphazardly handed over countless, non-refundable periods of my life to them. I've even manipulated some and taken them hostage by secretly creating a disturbance, heroically rescuing them from it, ultimately forcing them to depend on me to survive for periods of time. Desperately clinging to the beam of hope that tells me, "YOU MATTER to SOMEONE". I'm your ride-or-die bitch. All in the name of LOVE?!? Well, the definition was loosely translated and adapted by my fucked up, demented mind, so who knows... Maybe in the name of a facade that I'm a good person.
Perpetually a work in progress, I have all the typical 'child of the 70's', daddy issues, along with some extraordinarily hateful resentments toward mommy...
Perpetually a work in progress, I have all the typical 'child of the 70's', daddy issues, along with some extraordinarily hateful resentments toward mommy...
In addition to that which would later be classified as borderline personality disorder; you might find me sporting a little bling as well... The pristine specimen of attachment disorder I wear like a flower on my lapel often shimmers under an interrogation lamp; I'm a commitment-phobe, and truth be told, not a day will pass absent of sadistically sinister homicidal ideation or reservations of my own inevitable suicide.
I'm no victim for the way I feel or where I'm at; still alone at this point in life. I've brought myself far more pain and anguish than any normal person could be bothered to inflict upon another. Even my mother got tired of hurting me, eventually...
Why can't I stop?
In fact, why can't I just walk away when I recognize the pattern? Am I masochistic? Do I really enjoy the pain? How can I be a stronger person? How can I reverse a lifetime of self abuse? I don't know where to begin, but the narcissistic egomaniac in me wants to profess my love to ME once and for all; since I possess such a colorful mind, I'm thinkin bout kickin' it off Dennis Rodman style! Shit, maybe that's what it is going to take. I've got a whole bunch of life left to live, anyway. I can't die until I've reached the peak of my success, I'm still fucking around in the foothills... I am sure it's all out of the fear. I guess that means get up in there and Blast that fucking fear, there's GOLD up in them hills. MY GOLD. This is MY TIME to WIN goddamnit, mine!
