I did not know what it was with me, for the past few days I felt angry toward a few newcomers that didn't act as though they were willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. I wanted to cut them out of my life completely because of how irritable and frustrated I had become around them.
I was sure it couldn't be ME... If it was, I justified it as having hit my breaking point with my own codependency issues and shouldn't talk to so many newcomers.
I distanced myself and found no reduction in the level of disgust that was brewing inside of me, I realized this was in fact MY issue, and I had inwardly become a judgmental, critical, bitch.
I was talking about these people to others, I was negative, and I assassinated their character. That is NOT me, I became more angry, that's just not my style, I am a better person than that. These people viewed me as a friend, a confidant, a mentor.
The feeling in my gut was clammy and cold, I was so full of shame, I couldn't believe that I could have allowed myself to fall back into such horrible habits. I was sick to my stomach for what I had become, I did not sleep that night, the next morning I woke up suicidal and depressed, angry with myself about not being able to identify the why and carrying the guilt of my actions. I went to my regular meeting, we read Step 1. People with time began to share, "not wanting to forget where they came from" and "we are here for the newcomer, we've been where they are".
I crumbled, broke out into tears, not only was I reminded of just how sick I once was, but awakened to how sick I still am. A newcomer was sitting next to me, she wrapped her arms around me, put her hand on my head like a mother to a child and said, "You are going to be alright". I tried to pull away, she said, "Be still, feel your feelings, this is what you have taught me, just breathe and stay in the moment... FEEL, DEAL, HEAL".
I was as grateful as I could have been. She wasn't one of the newcomers that I felt frustrated about, but she spoke for all of them in that moment. Those words that she whispered in my ear were not original, they were not MY words, they were the words of those who came before me, those who helped me when I was new and taught me how to be of service to others, they didn't judge me, they loved me when I did not have the ability to love myself.
Once I had a chance to reflect, I realized that I was not only angry with people for doing exactly what I had done in the past, but I was jealous of the fact that they were doing it. Once more, I was watching people engage in behaviors that weren't conducive to their recovery, and I found that I too, was engaging in those VERY SAME behaviors myself.
During this epiphany, I heard a man say, "This is the only disease you'll have that will TELL you that you don't have it!"
I'm an addict in recovery today. I have no excuses to offer, simply amends to make, apologies for those who saw the evil and negativity of my disease rear it's ugly head, and radical changes need take place in my behavior, my attitudes, and my spiritual health.
About Me
- HumanOxymoron
- All I can be is just me... Here I am for all to see, love me or leave me alone.
Reflecting Back Brings Gratitude.
In the first year, I was out of my mind, I was all over the place, I was desperate to feel better, it's all a blur to try to recall today, but there are a few who can tell me stories... Oh boy, can they ever!
The second year was better, I was able to maintain, I regained all I had lost, materially. I forced myself to be "sane" among my peers outside of my program. It worked, or people learned to embrace my insanity, not sure, but I made it through. I became ill and was out of work for 3 months, I had several surgeries, and came through with no family, few friends, and never fully recovered physically. Recovery from my addiction took a back seat to my health.
The third year into the forth life evolved, my ego blew up with financial success. In my eyes, all was perfect, I was happy and all I needed was someone to share it with... I found a sick relationship that was a horrible relapse for lack of a better description. All of my old behaviors and shortcomings rose above my financial status, and in no time, I was homicidal, suicidal, and defeated. It is a miracle I did not pick up, as I had almost no recovery in my life at that time.
I returned to meetings, dug out the books, the phone numbers, got right back into the middle of the program. I became ill again, shortly thereafter. Surgeries were needed, I procrastinated as my career and recovery was more important than my health, my plate was full, and I was hesitant to trust the doctors. Eventually, it became medically necessary to operate. I lost my job and health insurance before it could happen, was ill which deemed me unable to receive unemployment compensation at first. I was forced to leave a beautiful home and move to a state where there would be help available to me. Back home where I got sober in the first place, back to where it all started, and although my health issues are compounding, although I haven't be able to receive all of the resources I need, I am getting well in my recovery again, because I did NOT pick up in times of adversity, I did NOT pick up in times of crisis, depression, rage, excitement, or celebration.
In my fifth year, I am clearing up enough to recognize when I am going back to the hot stove again and again, repeating the old behaviors, the insanity. I recognize, however still a defiant addict, I am not always willing to stop, even when there is great pain. I never saw my behavior before, it's sick, and I see it now and THAT is progress. I am not riding ever bus til the wheels fall off today, I am not showing up to every fight I am invited to. I have a choice today, I can fall victim to my disease or I can employ the tools and the gifts given to have a defense. I have let go of some sinking (friend) ships, I have opened my heart and allowed myself to TRUST those who have been conducive to my recovery. I am working on me, unselfishly, and well deserved. My plate is full again, this time it's full of recovery, and I love my life.
The second year was better, I was able to maintain, I regained all I had lost, materially. I forced myself to be "sane" among my peers outside of my program. It worked, or people learned to embrace my insanity, not sure, but I made it through. I became ill and was out of work for 3 months, I had several surgeries, and came through with no family, few friends, and never fully recovered physically. Recovery from my addiction took a back seat to my health.
The third year into the forth life evolved, my ego blew up with financial success. In my eyes, all was perfect, I was happy and all I needed was someone to share it with... I found a sick relationship that was a horrible relapse for lack of a better description. All of my old behaviors and shortcomings rose above my financial status, and in no time, I was homicidal, suicidal, and defeated. It is a miracle I did not pick up, as I had almost no recovery in my life at that time.
I returned to meetings, dug out the books, the phone numbers, got right back into the middle of the program. I became ill again, shortly thereafter. Surgeries were needed, I procrastinated as my career and recovery was more important than my health, my plate was full, and I was hesitant to trust the doctors. Eventually, it became medically necessary to operate. I lost my job and health insurance before it could happen, was ill which deemed me unable to receive unemployment compensation at first. I was forced to leave a beautiful home and move to a state where there would be help available to me. Back home where I got sober in the first place, back to where it all started, and although my health issues are compounding, although I haven't be able to receive all of the resources I need, I am getting well in my recovery again, because I did NOT pick up in times of adversity, I did NOT pick up in times of crisis, depression, rage, excitement, or celebration.
In my fifth year, I am clearing up enough to recognize when I am going back to the hot stove again and again, repeating the old behaviors, the insanity. I recognize, however still a defiant addict, I am not always willing to stop, even when there is great pain. I never saw my behavior before, it's sick, and I see it now and THAT is progress. I am not riding ever bus til the wheels fall off today, I am not showing up to every fight I am invited to. I have a choice today, I can fall victim to my disease or I can employ the tools and the gifts given to have a defense. I have let go of some sinking (friend) ships, I have opened my heart and allowed myself to TRUST those who have been conducive to my recovery. I am working on me, unselfishly, and well deserved. My plate is full again, this time it's full of recovery, and I love my life.
Over Thinking Hurts my Soul
My heart hurts. My head hurts. My soul feels sick.
I do on to others as I would have others do on to me. Yet I get taken advantage of and used, taken for granted and abused. Is the solution that I must learn to discriminate as not all "others" are worthy of my doing?
I practice simple principles of kindness. If I place no expectation on any person, then I must not believe, or trust that any person is one of their word. I find myself conflicted between the concepts of belief, faith, trust, and expectation.
If I tell you that I am going to help you tomorrow at 6, you can rest assured knowing that I will show up and keep my word, and if there is an unseen circumstance, I will call and let you know. You can have the expectation that I will do as I say. In other words, you can trust me in the fact that I will show up or do the next right thing.
I have been burned so many times, I do not have that faith, trust, or belief that anyone else can be held to their word.
Everyone talks a good game, but very few people walk their talk.
Today, I need to find a defense against believing that you feel the way I feel. I am also supposed to realize that I am not unique. I am supposed to be accepting of the fact that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, that what is happening is not a moral issue, and that I am not being punished for some wrongdoings of my past. I am supposed to unlearn everything I thought I knew about me, about life, about living. I am discouraged, I am hurt, I am emotionally exhausted. I am not wanting to over think, to mentally masturbate, or to mindfuck myself here. I am overwhelmed, as I truly do not understand, I truly cannot grasp these concepts at their most rudimentary level. I need help, I need someone to hold my hand and walk me through the simple explanation that is sure to be available, like I myself do for the "others" in need.
Most days I do OK, people view me as strong and positive, helpful, loving, and a person of dignity and integrity.
Days like this I am emotionally 5 years old, I've just been dropped off at kindergarten, I am overcome by fear, and I don't know how to make myself stop wondering what is, what will be, I need to learn to be still and open my mind up to being teachable.
I do on to others as I would have others do on to me. Yet I get taken advantage of and used, taken for granted and abused. Is the solution that I must learn to discriminate as not all "others" are worthy of my doing?
I practice simple principles of kindness. If I place no expectation on any person, then I must not believe, or trust that any person is one of their word. I find myself conflicted between the concepts of belief, faith, trust, and expectation.
If I tell you that I am going to help you tomorrow at 6, you can rest assured knowing that I will show up and keep my word, and if there is an unseen circumstance, I will call and let you know. You can have the expectation that I will do as I say. In other words, you can trust me in the fact that I will show up or do the next right thing.
I have been burned so many times, I do not have that faith, trust, or belief that anyone else can be held to their word.
Everyone talks a good game, but very few people walk their talk.
Today, I need to find a defense against believing that you feel the way I feel. I am also supposed to realize that I am not unique. I am supposed to be accepting of the fact that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, that what is happening is not a moral issue, and that I am not being punished for some wrongdoings of my past. I am supposed to unlearn everything I thought I knew about me, about life, about living. I am discouraged, I am hurt, I am emotionally exhausted. I am not wanting to over think, to mentally masturbate, or to mindfuck myself here. I am overwhelmed, as I truly do not understand, I truly cannot grasp these concepts at their most rudimentary level. I need help, I need someone to hold my hand and walk me through the simple explanation that is sure to be available, like I myself do for the "others" in need.
Most days I do OK, people view me as strong and positive, helpful, loving, and a person of dignity and integrity.
Days like this I am emotionally 5 years old, I've just been dropped off at kindergarten, I am overcome by fear, and I don't know how to make myself stop wondering what is, what will be, I need to learn to be still and open my mind up to being teachable.
The Voice of Insecurity
I don't know how to allow others to get close enough for me to feel good without suspicion. As soon as I place an expectation on someone to do as they say they will, I set myself up for disappointment and pain.
I have is this voice of insecurity in my mind, the voice is my own, it tells me things like: "SUCKER, You fell for it again! You always believe people can be held up to their word." "You are such a fucking idiot, what would ever make you think such a great person would want to spend ANY time with you". "You aren't worthy of any happiness in your life". "Why would anyone want to be with you? You are ugly, fat, and worthless, your own parents want nothing to do with you". There are lots of other negative, painful thoughts that I try to suppress on a daily basis, some days I succeed and other days I can't get out of bed. On a bad day I am isolated, a prisoner of my own mind, and the weight of depression is almost suffocating.
I overcompensate in all of my relationships with people because I know how horrible this feels and don't want to ever play a role in someone else feeling this way. I find pleasure in making others feel the way I've always wanted to feel, loved and accepted. I put so much into it, too much it seems. I bend over backwards, to manufacture excuses, over-accommodate, excessively ego stroke, emotionally care take, even alibi, but before I know it I'm alone again, depressed, disappointed, hurt, angry, and setback in my own development. For FEAR of being labeled selfish or self centered, as I have been all my life. Now, I've gone too far doing for others and not learning how to do for me.
Naturally people identify this kindness as a weakness and take, take, take from me as long as I continue to tolerate it. That's the ugly truth behind human nature and the selfishness of others. As long as I believe that anyone is out for anyone other than themselves, I will continue to put myself in a position to be disappointed. I feel I need to accept that in the grand scheme of things, it's everyone for themselves, and if I need to be selfish, so be it. I can rely on no one but me for my own survival and the quality of my life.
Friends with Benefits?
Can we really have this sort of relationship, and not have feelings for one another?
I don't think so, personally.
Human beings are full of fear, doubt, and insecurity.
Someone almost always inevitably gets hurt.
Most women and many men just don't have the ability to fuck without feelings.
Let's say we can't have what we want with who we want, but we can have a small piece of it.
Do we settle for less and take it? Almost always we do and we ride the bus til the wheels fall off.
Believe me, they DO fall off and the odds are stacked way against us.
If we are our first choice's second choice we are doomed from the start.
Now let's say you meet someone, you become friends, agree that no relationship is to be established but sex is alright. You are free to see other people...
It's a short matter of time before jealousy, anger, insecurity enter the situation.
A dating scenario breaks off and the sex remains, this almost always leads to some sort of drama.
A situation agreed upon by consenting adults as being solely for friendship and sex, still becomes a matter where at least one participant develops feelings for the other and the hurt feelings begin.
Imagine a basic outline of your needs from a FWB.
Now imagine their outline of needs from you.
In a perfect world when layered over light, the two images align on several key points if not all and you both live happily ever after. There is no need to be friends with benefits, after all, as the perfect couple has emerged.
Life isn't perfect, and we seem to want insurance, a feeling of security in the form of guarantees that don't exist.
Friends with Benefits is a fear-based appeal for those who aren't ready to let go of one piece of their life to pursue a new or unknown one.
What is a Human Oxymoron?
If I were a living oxymoron, what would I be like?
I would be an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I would appear tough, strong, in control, calm, cool, and collected, but inside I'd be crippled with fear, doubt, and insecurity. I would find pleasure in pain. I would treat the loneliness of depression with isolation. I would keep people at arms length yet become saddened that no one ever gets close to me. I would appear to be independent, yet be co-dependent to an extreme, only secure when taking care of someone else's troubles. I would want to be recognized, but not want to be watched. When I am right, all should take note, when I am wrong, all would take cover. I would hate my parents, yet desperately seek their approval. I'd be disgusted by the opposite sex, but yearning for that companionship. I would trust no one, but tell everyone everything about me. I would be Bi Polar, Passive Aggressive, Anti Social, an Addict, a Gambler, a Compulsive Blogger. If it could take the ME out of me, I would become addicted, chasing all feelings of relief or pleasure as though it were a quest for the meaning of life.
Every single part of my life would be extreme in one way or another. The thermostat would be off or on high, the volume would be off or on max, I'd take hot showers, drink cold coffee, sleep during the day, stay up all night, read books and directions backwards, I would under-mind my GPS, make lists but don't use them, my best intentions would yield the worst results. I would detest rules, break laws, resist management, oppose government, religion, politics, and the like. I would challenge any so-called experts. I would adamantly refuse conform, as it would mean becoming a sheep or a slave to today's society and agendas.
If you are wired like me, you'll understand, and if you can admit to that much, you are honest enough to be my friend.
Reason, Season, or Lifetime (NOT MY WORK)
This poem is NOT my work, I love it and I am unsure of who the author is, if anyone knows, I am grateful to know so that I may credit them properly.
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown
Daddy Issues
My poetry is terrible, like Dr. Seuss if he were drunk...
When You Were MY Daddy (8 August 2010)
You loved me, you held me in your arms, and made me feel safe and secure
You told me everything was gonna be alright.
You fed me, changed me, burped me, rocked me, and sang me lullabyes
You took me places, and taught me all about things, you wanted the best for me always.
You hugged me and kissed me and fixed all by boo-boos, taught me to brush myself off and try, try again.
Day trips to amusement parks, zoos, and fairs, I have great memories of the pre school years.
I also remember some sort of fight, a long trip to DC, a flood, and being up half the night.
I knew I was safe with my Daddy though, not a worry in my heart nothing I needed to know.
The Smithsonian, Fonzie's jacket and boots, Abe Lincoln, the Capitol, the Country's roots
For those first six years it was all you and me, I was Daddy's little girl the way life should be.
Like a clap of thunder, it came to an end. Neither of us saw what was around the bend.
In the 7th year, due to a troubled union, you sent me away for a family reunion.
My Mom's family, they were strangers to me, I chased you a tenth of a mile before I ripped up my knee.
I was hurt, confused, angry and sad... when you left me and drove off while I screamed for my Dad.
The image burned into my brain, I was screaming hysterically, I felt intense burning pain.
My heart and my gut felt the same, my Daddy had already forgotten my name.
I had nightmares, I relived it for years and years, nothing could fix it or dry my tears.
When I returned home things had certainly changed, Trust was an issue, we'd become estranged.
Walking in from school when I WAS SEVEN, to find Daddy wishing to go to heaven.
"I'll Blow my brains out", those were the words that you used. Blaming it all on you being abused.
I recognize your efforts, you tried to fix what was missing, you coached my baseball team, and took me Fishing,
The irrepairable damage had already been done, things fell apart, I was overun
For years you felt the distance of us growing further apart, you child was suffering from a broken heart
That firey rage filled my gut every day. A relief seeking missle, had gone astray.
The day in the church yard when the fuse had been lit, those silly boys didn't know what hit.
I couldn't stop and that was frightening, my temper was fierce and as quick as lightning.
I remember horrendous words spewing out of my mouth, at that point I knew I was headed South.
In a moment I froze, fearing GOD's wrath from the sky. I even thought I was gonna die.
When nothing happened, it was a load of crap. All faith was lost and I felt like a sap.
Missing the trust fueled my anger some more, I didn't feel safe or loved or secure.
I became enraged, self seeking, willful, and violent. When given guidance I was always defiant.
As I went spiraling out of control, your psychology degrees were lost in a hole
And that winter I tried to take my own life, 7 years old with a butcher knife,
My mother wouldn't discuss it, she was ashamed, the neighbors would hear and she might get blamed.
I needed real help and you were the shrink, it wasn't hard to see me headed straight for the drink.
You lost sight of me, your own flesh and blood, your poor little girl, her emotions a flood.
You screamed and swore and smashed things up. I couldn't cope, I was all fucked up.
I ran away to the woods. hid under the cellar stairs, The tension was high and so were my fears
We didn't relate like we did from the start, we continued to drift further and further apart.
The disease of addiction was in full bloom. My values were lost, my future felt doomed.
Relief came in the form of "more" at that time, food, physical pain, drugs, booze, sex, and crime.
You became enraged, disgusted with me, the feeling was mutual but you couldn't see.
You beat me to death with the sick things you said, with your hands you branded it into my head.
I was 15 when you got sick on board that plane, Dad. I switched the pills that you "accidently" had.
I wanted your life to come to an end. You had failed me as a father. There were no amends.
I had issues with DADDY with TRUST and with RAGE. I knew that we'd NEVER be on the same page.
I was hospitalized, locked up, I was sick, and arrested, I wouldn't slow down, every limit was tested.
So you left me again with no second glances, and found a prefab family with 3 young, 2nd chances.
A step dad, today even a grampa, without any anger. My daughter is your blood and you are a stranger.
When You Were MY Daddy
You loved me, you held me in your arms, and made me feel safe and secure
You told me everything was gonna be alright. I just wanted my Daddy back in my life.
When You Were MY Daddy (8 August 2010)
You loved me, you held me in your arms, and made me feel safe and secure
You told me everything was gonna be alright.
You fed me, changed me, burped me, rocked me, and sang me lullabyes
You took me places, and taught me all about things, you wanted the best for me always.
You hugged me and kissed me and fixed all by boo-boos, taught me to brush myself off and try, try again.
Day trips to amusement parks, zoos, and fairs, I have great memories of the pre school years.
I also remember some sort of fight, a long trip to DC, a flood, and being up half the night.
I knew I was safe with my Daddy though, not a worry in my heart nothing I needed to know.
The Smithsonian, Fonzie's jacket and boots, Abe Lincoln, the Capitol, the Country's roots
For those first six years it was all you and me, I was Daddy's little girl the way life should be.
Like a clap of thunder, it came to an end. Neither of us saw what was around the bend.
In the 7th year, due to a troubled union, you sent me away for a family reunion.
My Mom's family, they were strangers to me, I chased you a tenth of a mile before I ripped up my knee.
I was hurt, confused, angry and sad... when you left me and drove off while I screamed for my Dad.
The image burned into my brain, I was screaming hysterically, I felt intense burning pain.
My heart and my gut felt the same, my Daddy had already forgotten my name.
I had nightmares, I relived it for years and years, nothing could fix it or dry my tears.
When I returned home things had certainly changed, Trust was an issue, we'd become estranged.
Walking in from school when I WAS SEVEN, to find Daddy wishing to go to heaven.
"I'll Blow my brains out", those were the words that you used. Blaming it all on you being abused.
I recognize your efforts, you tried to fix what was missing, you coached my baseball team, and took me Fishing,
The irrepairable damage had already been done, things fell apart, I was overun
For years you felt the distance of us growing further apart, you child was suffering from a broken heart
That firey rage filled my gut every day. A relief seeking missle, had gone astray.
The day in the church yard when the fuse had been lit, those silly boys didn't know what hit.
I couldn't stop and that was frightening, my temper was fierce and as quick as lightning.
I remember horrendous words spewing out of my mouth, at that point I knew I was headed South.
In a moment I froze, fearing GOD's wrath from the sky. I even thought I was gonna die.
When nothing happened, it was a load of crap. All faith was lost and I felt like a sap.
Missing the trust fueled my anger some more, I didn't feel safe or loved or secure.
I became enraged, self seeking, willful, and violent. When given guidance I was always defiant.
As I went spiraling out of control, your psychology degrees were lost in a hole
And that winter I tried to take my own life, 7 years old with a butcher knife,
My mother wouldn't discuss it, she was ashamed, the neighbors would hear and she might get blamed.
I needed real help and you were the shrink, it wasn't hard to see me headed straight for the drink.
You lost sight of me, your own flesh and blood, your poor little girl, her emotions a flood.
You screamed and swore and smashed things up. I couldn't cope, I was all fucked up.
I ran away to the woods. hid under the cellar stairs, The tension was high and so were my fears
We didn't relate like we did from the start, we continued to drift further and further apart.
The disease of addiction was in full bloom. My values were lost, my future felt doomed.
Relief came in the form of "more" at that time, food, physical pain, drugs, booze, sex, and crime.
You became enraged, disgusted with me, the feeling was mutual but you couldn't see.
You beat me to death with the sick things you said, with your hands you branded it into my head.
I was 15 when you got sick on board that plane, Dad. I switched the pills that you "accidently" had.
I wanted your life to come to an end. You had failed me as a father. There were no amends.
I had issues with DADDY with TRUST and with RAGE. I knew that we'd NEVER be on the same page.
I was hospitalized, locked up, I was sick, and arrested, I wouldn't slow down, every limit was tested.
So you left me again with no second glances, and found a prefab family with 3 young, 2nd chances.
A step dad, today even a grampa, without any anger. My daughter is your blood and you are a stranger.
When You Were MY Daddy
You loved me, you held me in your arms, and made me feel safe and secure
You told me everything was gonna be alright. I just wanted my Daddy back in my life.
Loving, Living, Letting Go
I have been in love ONE TIME, with ONE MAN. Yet we were never together.
I wanted to be in the presence of this man since as far back as I can remember knowing him.
He was as individual as I ever thought I was at that time. Mysterious in ways that intrigued me.
I wanted desperately for him to talk to me, eventually he did and we became the closest of friends.
I never had the nerve to say what I was feeling, yet I was content in being there in whatever it was.
I felt SAFE in his arms, (no one had I TRUSTED before). I chased these feelings like a drug for 25 years.
I loved this man and wanted him to love me back. I couldn't speak of it, I was terrified, I couldn't face rejection, and I was sure he had better prospects. I remained paralyzed in that fear for a lifetime.
I settled for less, repeatedly. No man was ever as kind, as gentle, as honest, as real, as intelligent, or as responsible as he was.
Today he is sick, suffering from the depression, anger, and antisocial issues that this disease provides.
I see him and my heart hurts, it angers me to see THE man who ALWAYS helped me make the right decisions, not be available to himself for the same advice. I want to SAVE him, I want to FIX him. I want to cry out to him, tell him I love him, and give him a reason to want to get better.
He was my first love, he was my best friend, and I felt that he was my soul mate. His soul is like a message in a bottle, floating in a sea of alcohol and barely a fleeting thought to him right now. I loved this man with the patience and conviction that a wife would have had.
Today I can see that we did share something special, I did fit in with him, we were two cut from the same cloth, birds of a feather, two sickies that would have never made a wellie.
Today, my love for him is the love that I have of a sick and suffering alcoholic. I will never forget how much he means to me and I will pray to God that he finds his way to recovery.
I wanted to be in the presence of this man since as far back as I can remember knowing him.
He was as individual as I ever thought I was at that time. Mysterious in ways that intrigued me.
I wanted desperately for him to talk to me, eventually he did and we became the closest of friends.
I never had the nerve to say what I was feeling, yet I was content in being there in whatever it was.
I felt SAFE in his arms, (no one had I TRUSTED before). I chased these feelings like a drug for 25 years.
I loved this man and wanted him to love me back. I couldn't speak of it, I was terrified, I couldn't face rejection, and I was sure he had better prospects. I remained paralyzed in that fear for a lifetime.
I settled for less, repeatedly. No man was ever as kind, as gentle, as honest, as real, as intelligent, or as responsible as he was.
Today he is sick, suffering from the depression, anger, and antisocial issues that this disease provides.
I see him and my heart hurts, it angers me to see THE man who ALWAYS helped me make the right decisions, not be available to himself for the same advice. I want to SAVE him, I want to FIX him. I want to cry out to him, tell him I love him, and give him a reason to want to get better.
He was my first love, he was my best friend, and I felt that he was my soul mate. His soul is like a message in a bottle, floating in a sea of alcohol and barely a fleeting thought to him right now. I loved this man with the patience and conviction that a wife would have had.
Today I can see that we did share something special, I did fit in with him, we were two cut from the same cloth, birds of a feather, two sickies that would have never made a wellie.
Today, my love for him is the love that I have of a sick and suffering alcoholic. I will never forget how much he means to me and I will pray to God that he finds his way to recovery.
It's Always SOMETHING
I am such a nonconformist, I just can't be a fuckin robot, doing everything according to society's standards...
I go to work every day, I love my job, because I am able to be myself and change anyway necessary to get what I need out of the customer. BUT I still have a boss and have to follow rules... OK, I can do this.
I drive my car every day, (but never take the same route twice) I obey the speed limit, I don't use my car as a weapon, I do not drive when I am pissed off, I am respectful of others on the road. AGAIN...following rules.... but I'm cool with it.
I get out of work, I want ME TIME, to sit here and rot online, or go to the gym, or shop, or grocery shop, whatever I need to do or choose to do. BUT EVERY SINGLE DAY something comes up and robs me of that ME TIME, suddenly someone else's BULLSHIT is in MY WAY!! Whether I am running damage control down the sidelines while my neurotic roommate flips out and destroys the house (mainly MY SHIT) over something HE misplaced, or the bitch in WalMart who has 24 items in the 9 items or less lane, then can't find her checkbook!! It's always something... I want a padded room that locks from the outside on a timer, I set it for 30 minutes, go inside and flip the FUCK out, and when I have calmed down the 30 minutes is up and I can be released back into society.
OR I COULD JUST BLOG ABOUT IT... hahaha
I feel better!
I go to work every day, I love my job, because I am able to be myself and change anyway necessary to get what I need out of the customer. BUT I still have a boss and have to follow rules... OK, I can do this.
I drive my car every day, (but never take the same route twice) I obey the speed limit, I don't use my car as a weapon, I do not drive when I am pissed off, I am respectful of others on the road. AGAIN...following rules.... but I'm cool with it.
I get out of work, I want ME TIME, to sit here and rot online, or go to the gym, or shop, or grocery shop, whatever I need to do or choose to do. BUT EVERY SINGLE DAY something comes up and robs me of that ME TIME, suddenly someone else's BULLSHIT is in MY WAY!! Whether I am running damage control down the sidelines while my neurotic roommate flips out and destroys the house (mainly MY SHIT) over something HE misplaced, or the bitch in WalMart who has 24 items in the 9 items or less lane, then can't find her checkbook!! It's always something... I want a padded room that locks from the outside on a timer, I set it for 30 minutes, go inside and flip the FUCK out, and when I have calmed down the 30 minutes is up and I can be released back into society.
OR I COULD JUST BLOG ABOUT IT... hahaha
I feel better!
Into Pain
Why is it that no matter how much time passes, and no matter how much better your life can get, there's always that one, the one you lost, no matter what the reason, all be it unexpectedly, with no closure, you could harbor years of anger and even hate to help you feel less jilted or hurt... Suddenly just when the pain is nearly forgotten, life is on track, you are succeeding in your field, your lives paths have once again crossed... POW, like lightning, you are jolted off course and thrown for a loop......? WHY?
Why do we always try to test fate, try to figure out the purpose for everything, as if we can crack some secret code to life? Trying to answer for the "what if's" and the "why's" Why do we think everything happens for a reason? Is that a sign of hope or faith? What if it is? How do we know when it's FALSE hope? What if it's not and we are just fucking things up? With so many choices, how do we know where to rest our faith? If everything is just a test, when do we start living and actually enjoying life? Where is the balance between good and evil, and why am I always spinning and teetering on what I can only presume is the narrowest thread of the grey area?
Do I instinctively like pain? Do certain people just have a certain magnetism for each other? Is there really a higher power controlling all this shit? I know if I had some little civilization that I could control and arrange, my sick mind would rule, I would be fucking with people constantly!
I believe I just answered all of my own questions... Now, since I going to constantly be tested like this, should I finally abandon all the "sick", sadistic thoughts in my head, surrender, conform, and just follow the rest of the herd?? I guess it's my destiny to be frustrated and laugh in the face of all of it, as I will NEVER be a sheep.
Evil Took My Baby
Somehow, some way
given the dangerous games I played..
I am able to fight from morning to night,
with hope that I can actually get it right.
The sickness inside is a curse of the fam,
it's taken me off to the world of the damned.
I've seen hell, been there, lived it!
Today I stay within my limits...
Seeing my baby in my old shoes is scary,
I must protect her from my mother Mary.
I see my past, know where I came from,
I can try to take her, but she'll never come.
She just doesn't know or understand
how she was ripped out of my hands.
Portrayed so perfect she appears so tight,
but she lives a lie beyond her own insight.
A daughter should know her mother's not lying,
she's been fed the same crap that everyone's buying.
She's been hurt so much, she's so confused,
so naive to the fact that she's being abused.
Pure evil will sit up on the highest perch...
and masquerade in the shadows of the church.
Brainwashed, convinced, she's got them all tricked
That's MY BABY, Evil has clenched in her grips!
I can't stand to see it, I could fight to the death.
I would lose her for sure, and have nothing left.
I love my baby I know how she suffers,
because of me, the worst kind of mother...
What's left to do? I have made my amends!
I have to be patient until it finally ends.
I wish she would open her eyes to the truth,
she'd still have some time to enjoy her youth.
All I can do is wait here at the gate,
hope when she comes out it's not too late.
given the dangerous games I played..
I am able to fight from morning to night,
with hope that I can actually get it right.
The sickness inside is a curse of the fam,
it's taken me off to the world of the damned.
I've seen hell, been there, lived it!
Today I stay within my limits...
Seeing my baby in my old shoes is scary,
I must protect her from my mother Mary.
I see my past, know where I came from,
I can try to take her, but she'll never come.
She just doesn't know or understand
how she was ripped out of my hands.
Portrayed so perfect she appears so tight,
but she lives a lie beyond her own insight.
A daughter should know her mother's not lying,
she's been fed the same crap that everyone's buying.
She's been hurt so much, she's so confused,
so naive to the fact that she's being abused.
Pure evil will sit up on the highest perch...
and masquerade in the shadows of the church.
Brainwashed, convinced, she's got them all tricked
That's MY BABY, Evil has clenched in her grips!
I can't stand to see it, I could fight to the death.
I would lose her for sure, and have nothing left.
I love my baby I know how she suffers,
because of me, the worst kind of mother...
What's left to do? I have made my amends!
I have to be patient until it finally ends.
I wish she would open her eyes to the truth,
she'd still have some time to enjoy her youth.
All I can do is wait here at the gate,
hope when she comes out it's not too late.
Ode to My Disease
To My Disease,
Everyday you held me down and beat me into submission. You lied to me in my own voice, you crippled me with fear, you told me I was less than, that I would never be good enough, that people don't want me, that I was not worthy of any love. You infested my body for so long that I became unaware of who and what I was truly meant to be. You forced me to obsess and stew miserably over the hurtful words of others for an entire lifetime. You have pulled me away from people and thwarted all of my efforts toward intimacy and love. You polluted my thoughts and systematically began killing me when I was just a young child. You kept me emotionally separated from my parents and from others. You taught me not to trust anyone, you skewed my vision, allowing me to see only the dark and the negative. You convinced me that it was my fault when I was being hurt, that I deserved it.
Then when the time was right, you befriended and tricked me, you cashed in on my inadequacies. You convinced me that poisoning my body and my mind would help allow me to fit in with the world. That poison fed you, it made you grow more powerful inside of me, you told me that as long as we had each other, we didn't need to be loved. People would try to come between us, and we would have to protect our relationship. Perfecting our ability to lie, cheat, rob, manipulate, assault, or attack anyone who might try to stop us, because they were only trying to hurt us, after all, nobody was to be trusted. You assured me that we were partners in crime, outsiders were not welcome, we were sick enough to kill if it came down to it, so the world should fear us, that we would someday be famous for the horrific things we did.
Like a demon, you had a hold on my entire existence. You controlled my will, you molded me into want what you wanted, an empty shell. Perhaps if you were to successfully gain possession my soul, upon my demise, you would inhabit the vessel by which you shall carry out your evil plot to sneak into heaven. God had a different plan.
Whether I chose to admit it or not, He had been there all along.
The miracle happened, and you were arrested. Like a criminal, your liberties were removed, every day you've gone before the parole board, every day you have remained under arrest.
Today I shall not feed you.
Today I shall not fear you.
Today I shall not aid you.
Today I shall be grateful, for it was you, my disease, which ultimately brought me closer to my Higher Power.
What is a Human Oxymoron?
If I were a living oxymoron, what would it be like?
I would be an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I would appear tough, strong, in control, calm, cool, and collected, but inside I'd be crippled with fear, doubt, and insecurity. I would find pleasure in pain. I would treat the loneliness of depression with isolation. I would keep people at arms length yet become saddened that no one ever gets close to me. I would appear to be independent, yet be co-dependent to an extreme, only secure when taking care of someone else's troubles. I would want to be recognized, but not want to be watched. When I am right, all should take note, when I am wrong, all would take cover. I would hate my parents, yet desperately seek their approval. I'd be disgusted by the opposite sex, but yearning for that companionship. I would trust no one, but tell everyone everything about me. I would be Bi Polar, Bi Sexual, Ambidextrous, Passive Aggressive, Serene and Chaotic, Anti Social, overworked, underpaid, an Addict, a Gambler, a Compulsive Blogger. Any substance or action or lifestyle that could take the ME out of me, I would become addicted to, chasing all feelings of relief or pleasure as though it were a quest for the meaning of life.
Every single part of my life would be extreme in one way or another. Everything or nothing, perfection or immediate dismissal, I would be overqualified and still underachieve, my thermostat would be off or on high, the volume would be off or on max, I'd take hot showers, drink cold coffee, sleep during the day, stay up all night, read books and directions backwards, I would under-mind my GPS, make lists but don't use them, my best intentions would yield the worst results. I would detest rules, break laws, resist management, defy government, oppose religion, shun politics, and nix the like. I would challenge any so-called experts. I would adamantly refuse conform, as it would mean becoming a sheep or a slave to today's society and agendas.
If you are wired like me, you'll understand, and if you can admit to that much, you are honest enough to be my friend.
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