IN2L2BWUMHB... another portion of correspondence with my father.

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Christmas was rough without my friends or family. I can imagine that you were met with some unexpected sadness being the first holiday season without Mimi (even just to speak with on the phone). It's been a LONG time since I had heard from Mimi, so my memories of holidays with her and Pepere were very pleasant for me.

This was my second Christmas without {my daughter) in my life. Not for lack of trying on my part. God damn my mother is good at what she does... I really feel like (my daughter) sold her soul to the devil for some material bullshit and unlimited cash flow.

But I need to live my life and let her follow whatever path lay ahead, just like you had to with me.

More and more I understand how frustrated and dis-empowered you were 30 years ago. Yet our relationship still lacks so much.

If it never resonated or meant anything before, please know, Dad that I do love you very much. I've processed and worked through my resentments and emotional issues from my childhood (most of them, anyway). I used to be sour about the fact that you left me behind and got a "do over" with some other woman and 3 other kids. Today I realize you needed to fulfill your own happiness and pursue a better life. Sometimes I wish that it had played out differently, you might have actually known your granddaughter. However I realize the Zen in phrases like, "It is what it is".

Basically, everything has unfolded exactly the way it needed to, in order to get us all to where we are today. You needed to demonstrate your ability to be the husband and father figure that you always known in your heart you could be.

A great friend gave me this: IN2L2BWUMHB

Translated: It's Never 2 Late 2 Be What U Might Have Been

Dad, this is our story!

I've got so damn many dreams and ideas and convictions. I want to do great things, and for the first time in my life I know that I will. YOU are the power of example that helps me to believe it today.

Please stay in touch with me. I will do a better job at that as well.

When Complex Questions are Given Understandable Answers

“The whole purpose of religion is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, forgiveness.” ~ Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama, referred to as “His Holiness” was leader of the Tibetan government until his exile in India in 1959.

I posted the above quote publicly on a predominantly Atheist group's message board. A woman who I am somewhat friendly with responded with, "Instead, religion facilitates hate, intolerance, and on oh so very rare occasions some forgiveness."

My response was as follows:


I fault our increasingly arrogant, impulsive, and childish species. 

Just like kids on a playground, as soon as anything is initiated that we don't like, we run out and start our own new game. The first requirement for membership is to hate the group we just left. It repeats and snowballs from there. Before we know it, we are fighting each other over who's playing the game right, or whose game is the best... Of course by now, we've long since forgotten that the game was meant to be enjoyed, indeed through our infinite, egotistical wisdom, we've lost sight of the primary purpose altogether. 

The most "religious" people I know, couldn't possibly believe in ANY God, based on the way they treat others. Funny ain't it? 

Taoism, for example, dates back to 4th century BC (just a couple minutes before Christianity came to be in the middle of the FIRST CENTURY...) Although its popularity is just now beginning to rise here in American culture. I hope that it will never fall prey to the mainstream American society, at the moment, all of the core principles remain in tact.

I respect the philosophies and the teachings, as they are not about worshiping anyone or anything, per se, however emphasizing the value of respect and gratitude, allowing a deep appreciation for all which exist in nature and recognizing that there is a cycle or a flow to life, not overlooking even the most raw and primitive examples we often take for granted every day.

I feel good about what I wrote.

Into Pain

Why is it that no matter how much time passes, and no matter how much better your life can get, there's always that one, the one you lost, no matter what the reason, all be it unexpectedly, with no closure, you could harbor years of anger and even hate to help you feel less jilted or hurt... Suddenly just when the pain is nearly forgotten, life is on track, you are succeeding in your field, your lives paths have once again crossed... POW, like lightning, you are jolted off course and thrown for a loop......? WHY? 

Why do we always try to test fate, try to figure out the purpose for everything, as if we can crack some secret code to life? Trying to answer for the "what if's" and the "why's" Why do we think everything happens for a reason? Is that a sign of hope or faith? What if it is? How do we know when it's FALSE hope? What if it's not and we are just fucking things up? With so many choices, how do we know where to rest our faith? If everything is just a test, when do we start living and actually enjoying life? Where is the balance between good and evil, and why am I always spinning and teetering on what I can only presume is the narrowest thread of the grey area? 

Do I instinctively like pain? Do certain people just have a certain magnetism for each other? Is there really a higher power controlling all this shit? I know if I had some little civilization that I could control and arrange, my sick mind would rule, I would be fucking with people constantly! 

I believe I just answered all of my own questions... Now, since I going to constantly be tested like this, should I finally abandon all the "sick", sadistic thoughts in my head, surrender, conform, and just follow the rest of the herd?? I guess it's my destiny to be frustrated and laugh in the face of all of it, as I will NEVER be a sheep.