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All I can be is just me... Here I am for all to see, love me or leave me alone.

Words Unspoken, Mimi's Final Days...

It would appear as though we are nearing the final days of my Grandmother's brave exodus from this world. She has been in hospice care for nearly 5 months, the last of which marked her rapid decline and stoked the merciless disposition of the cancer which continues to vitiate her system.

I can only hope to have inherited the slightest degree of her fortitude moving forward to face my own decisions and reality. Completely conscious and aware of the outcome that lays ahead, she has never complained. I cannot imagine how I would accept the rapacious behavior of anything so focused on taking my life (without something to help me escape). Yet since the beginning, she has refused all pain medication (other than Tylenol). As her body begins to shut down, she clings onto whatever is left, afraid let go before it's time.

Let go when you're ready, Mimi. My wish is that there is peace in your heart. My hope is that the memories you take with you of the time you spent with me, are as wonderful as the memories that I will always cherish of the time that I spent with you.

Laundry Blog 5/7/2013

After spending about 45 minutes on the phone with parental unit, I've been reminded how my entire life has been a redundant cycle of riding my mental illness off the track, feeding my countless addictions, and all of my extremely poor choices that might accompany as a result. Whenever there was upheaval in my house, it was generally because of me.

Astoundingly enough, I am ...
overwrought with anxiety after simply hearing about the MASSIVE amount of DRAMA, and CHAOS, and DISORDER, DISTRESS, and DIS-EASE that goes on in that family without me playing an active role. I am mind-boggled at how the cycle of shit storms and chronic chaos has remained in the places I've taken conscious measures to remove myself from. At the same time, I reflect back on my life [between sporadic contact] in honest appraisal, as I know I am not without my fair share. My initial take on the matter: I'm going to be OK, so long as I continue to stay away.

Carefully, with an open mind and a mirror to prevent me from lying to myself, I recall the last 5 conversations that I've had with family, ALL of which have been initiated by me, and I see that the contrast of chaos vs. serenity seems to align with the separation of that whole them vs. me feeling I've always had. Ironically, I don't feel as though they are sick and I am well, I feel more like they pointed the finger at me, while having three of their own fingers pointing right back at themselves, and how true these things can be... I got tired of being sick and being to blame for all the shit, I took a stand and some strategically planted advice, and well...

I've come a long way, there is no cap on my potential to do better, I feel good about this. As for the they, or them...? I can report with confidence in my perception that they are unknowingly, blindly, and with reckless abandon, are reliving the same horrific, sordid, and twisted tale of victims helping victims over and over and over again, like a half hearted attempt at another remake of the same crappy movie, same plot, new cast of characters, same empty feeling at the end of each deplorable remake.

I have learned to reduce the level of all that noise in my life, I've also learned how to diffuse it when it becomes too much for me to deal with... I have not mastered or perfected either skill, as ALL who know me will surely testify.

I am not sure what this all means with regard to my own sanity, or lack thereof... However I am about as sure as I could possibly be that I've begun to transform into a person I am happy to be, and have been riding a more stable, modern day, roller coaster... My darkest days of late have shone incredibly brighter than the grey existence of my former days. Being mindful of my pseudo-cavalier approach to life, with a little help prioritizing the things that actually DO matter, I might have half a chance at brief moments of contentment and peace... My Conclusion: Knowing the depths of ones own insanity is like being aware of shark infested waters. I find gratitude in having the sense to proceed with caution.