I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Things that might not need to be thought about. However, when I try to control my thinking, my thinking gets out of control... Which leads to chaos and results in a tsunami of random unthinkable thoughts...

Co-dependence wears heavy, like a lead vest, or cement shoes.

When I was a kid, I resented the fact that some people were treated differently (as though they are somehow less than). I've spent my entire life treating others the way that I would like to be treated. However, as the dawn breaks and I awaken a little bit, I can see that not everyone was raised with the high bar for good grades or doing their best. 

Although I could never please my parents, and it has always caused me to feel less than; I can see that some people were barely raised at all, there was no attention placed on kindness, integrity, or quality at school or work. They were happy to get by (even if they barely made it), and to never go above and beyond, to never set goals of their own, let alone to ever exceed them. 

I used to be a people person. Now, I am learning that I have less and less in common with the very type I am drawn to, it pains me to know that there are just some that I just can't have riding shotgun on any leg of my journey.

Casino of Life Win, Lose or Draw...

I can't choose the cards I'm dealt, but how I play them matters. 

I can learn from my choices and become a better player, but skill alone will never carry me.

There are too many players and too many decks. 

There is no way to cheat, the house always wins. 

If I sit out on just one hand, its a lesson never learned. 

A lesson that can make achieving a higher level of consciousness that much more difficult perhaps even impossible. 

Most importantly, I need to be present to win.

I WISH

Sometimes I just wish I could be heard or seen long enough to make an impact or a change for the better.

Sometimes I know I can make a difference.


Sometimes I simplify things and it makes the world seem an easier place to live in.

Sometimes I wish life could be fair.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a conscience.
Sometimes I don't feel like I do.

Sometimes I just want to take a day off from life.
Sometimes I want to stay on the ride and do it again.

Sometimes I want someone to love me the way that I love.
Sometimes I wish everyone would just not give a shit about me.

Sometimes I wonder what others think of me.
Sometimes I let the way others feel about me control my emotions.

Sometimes I want to be unique.
Sometimes I realize the ways that we are all the same.

Merry Christmas, Here's Why I Moved 1,700 Miles from "HOME"

Yeah, I'm pretty fucking far from OK.

I'm no psychologist, but I think it may be connected to the fact that I haven't seen a card, a gift, a phone call, a text message, or an email from EITHER of my parents on my birthday or Christmas in years.

I don't drink anymore, I don't use drugs anymore. I don't run around with abusive men anymore, I don't cut myself anymore, I don't binge eat anymore. (Not that ANY of that was even evident to these self absorbed assholes before I ever told them I had a problem.)

Years of therapy, hospitalizations, jail, and rehabs and the result is the same.

I am alone. I always have been.

Today, I lay in bed sobbing, desperately wanting to get out and go to the beach. But as I get my body to my bedroom door, my heart aches and my knees buckle. Back to bed, sobbing, hours go by and I try repeatedly to get out of my own fucking way. 

I miss my grandparents and those chance holidays of my childhood where I might perhaps have an opportunity to feel loved by anyone. I've seen my Aunts/Uncles/Cousins less than a dozen times in my whole life (well, since I was old enough to remember). I know it wasn't due to any lack of trying on their part, and I always felt loved and cared for when I did see them. 

Suddenly I have all these people step up when I'm 40 and say they knew what was going on and they wanted to help me when I was a child. What good does that do to know now? I've got 40 years of validation that they are insane, I don't need to hear it at my Grandmother's funeral.

I work DAMN HARD not to feel the way I do about my parents. Not to feel all of this pain inside all of the time. But let's be honest, it's the holidays and people get stressed and overwhelmed with misery. I want to trudge forward but I can't lie to myself, the odds of coming out the other end of this wildly successful and well adjusted are pretty much less than nil.

Just THINK... and ASK YOURSELF...

Why are people drawn to me socially when I've always been the outcast?

Why do people lean on me when they are hurting when I'm barely stable enough to take care of myself?

Why do people come to me for help with their relationships when I've never even had a healthy one of my own?

I would not rest on a chair that isn't strong enough to support my weight. So why would I wish to lean on a person who has no sage advice to help me in life?

I would not transport water in a vessel made of tissue. So why would I take advice from somebody dumb enough to try?

50 Shades of BULLSHIT, Gentlemen, Pay Attention!!

Why didn't she ever call or text you back after the one night of "FUN" you had with her?!?

OK Guys, 

I am giving you the information you want. Here it is...

LEARN HOW TO BE AN ATTENTIVE LOVER

MOST guys don't watch, listen, or feel for the signals a woman puts out as to whether he's going in the right direction or he's off the map altogether. Women aren't all the same, and guys are often on a psychotic mission to get to a very specific place on a woman's body, when they do they are big clumsy oafs just jamming their fingers teeth tongue or nose in the softest warmest wettest spot they can find...

Guess what baby, IT HURTS!!! 

Some guys don't realize when a woman is slapping them on the head, they are tapping out, saying "OK that's too much pain!! STOP"... they don't listen to the words OUCH, NO, STOP, when they've got a very sensitive section of our naughty parts between their teeth... I don't know what book or porno is being circulated among men these days, but STOP reading/watching it... Women are delicate, we like to be touched softly, sensually... if we TRUST you beyond there, we will indicate we want something harder, faster, whatever... ALWAYS start gentle and the rest will work itself out...

Laundry Blog: December 2, 2013

... on Job Hunting in 2013

Dear CareerBuilder, Indeed, Resume Rabbit, Monster, and the rest of the information selling/swapping employment sites:
YOU SUCK. 
I've not had a  single valid lead on employment since joining your site, I've received nothing but SPAM about Male Enhancement, Mail Order Brides, or bogus investment opportunities!

Dear Employers: Have we forgotten that you can learn a great deal about a person in just one well managed interview?? 

The internet has promoted professional malaise. A laziness and disconnect that corporations have adopted by removing the HUMAN from human resources departments worldwide.

Modern Day job applications go like this:

First there is an hour long profile creation that requires a password selection that NOBODY can possibly remember because your password must contain 8 characters, a letter, a number, and upper case, a lower case, it cannot contain your date of birth or phone number, and MUST have at least one special character, but not ! or $ or /... 

Next there is a 42 step log-in process which brings us to the actual online application which takes another hour because it has not populated the data from your resume that you have uploaded in the wrong file format, an hour ago in the first step of the previous profile creation section. 

Now that you think you are ready to consider this 2 hour long application process complete. You're thinking it might be wise to mix a drink before going on to chase the next online listed job opening... 

You realize there is no "SUBMIT" button, only one which says "NEXT". 
So you continue down the rabbit hole to find 500 fill-in-the-dots question and answer  time waster commonly used as a most ridiculous personality profiling tool. Agree/StronglyAgree/Disagree/StronglyDisagree/Unsure...

After 90 minutes of feeling unsure of whether you are agreeing or disagreeing firmly enough or too firmly with regard to the section you're nearly done with, you decide to review your answers as if you were not an exhausted, mentally drained human with need to find a job, but an uppity HR snob whose greatest achievement in life was to remove the payee from her trust fund account when she turned 30. You're emotionally defeated now, judging yourself by the way you feel about shit that doesn't even matter. As you reach for a razor blade to slit your own wrists, you notice a button at the bottom of the screen that says "FINISH" which you triumphantly press wiping the sweat from your brow! 

Long refreshing exhale... look back up at the screen, *** IN RED *** a notification! Scroll to the top, which brings you right back to page one where you have abbreviated the word, "Street" with "St." the system will not accept it. You are swearing at the machine and the system which let you go on for hours in error. So you have to go back and fix all of the listed errors before you can move on. This process repeats 3-4 times before you give up altogether or throw your computer through the window. 

If we have been successful in our efforts, we can now press, "SUBMIT".

"APPLICATION NOT SUBMITTED, You will receive an email shortly"

What the hell...?!? Alas, there it is, an email stating that your application has NOT been submitted, further action is needed on your part. Now we will need to fill out one of those redundant questionnaires that have little to no pertinence to the position applied for. One mustn't forget the 45 minute long skills assessment test. 

Of course, we all must submit a writing sample, DOES THIS ONE COUNT?!?! 

Now the overpaid Cyber Recruiter Monkey with no life skills and a college semester in internet marketing, must check our references, send us for drug tests, make us wait for the results of criminal background checks, driving record checks, body cavity searches, and finally judge us on whether or not we filled out the "optional" identification form...

With no one to follow up with, no information about the position we have just submitted our soul to, there is no way to act upon OUR OWN professional due diligence or plan a next step... Your application, for all you know is floating around in cyberspace never to be read by anyone, you can't retrieve it, you've spent hours to leave your job hunt in the hands of the world wide web.

Three to five weeks later, IF we are LUCKY, Recruiter Monkey will send us an offer letter for $8.00 an hour, 12 hours a week, to hold a sign in front of a local pet store that says, "Puppy Sale Today". 

My fucking head hurts. 
Does anyone wanna buy a kidney? I think selling my own organs along with Beef Jerky and Carnations or even Blowjobs out of a minivan on the side of a road would be less painful and degrading than this!

The Roots of Laziness, Woven into Our Options

I've been accused of being analytically fanatical, even paranoid. I am very literal, sometimes overly logical, my decision making tends to side with methodical, and the description I give to my thoughts is visually articulate. I enjoy dissecting ideas, thoughts, scenarios, and behaviors. Much the way I enjoy taking objects apart, observing their inner working functions, and moving parts. With a better understanding for how they work, I find a deeper appreciation of STUFF in general. My mind tends to work more scientifically than one being driven by fantasy or mystery. However knowledge of science allows me to write more terrifying and believable fantasies and mysteries!
On the other side of the scale, I am very human, extremely fallible, I do have a tendency to stand strong in protest for many things that I deem unacceptable, many would find this fortitude positive, however standing strong and protesting that which has already occurred and cannot be undone is futile. Although I inherently know that this energy can be put to good use elsewhere, I frequently find myself stuck in the rut of what is that's unsatisfactory and how it "SHOULD" be (according to my distorted mindset). Achieving preventative action, being proactive in the future is my main goal in every new found disappointment. 
I push beyond what it is, and note all of it's unfortunates, allowing my vision to illustrate what I can do to improve it moving forward. The sadness comes with the feeling of helplessness when I am reminded that I am but one woman, unable to change the world alone. I am frustrated by my failures, saddened, defeated, and disappointed that others do not share in my enthusiasm to raise the bar, and take positive steps toward creating a better life.
I don't see anything special about me. I think I am a bit more intense than most that I know, but not above average or UNIQUE in anyway. I simply see it my approach to life as a pragmatic one. Wherever and whenever possible, I own the errors of my neurotic ways and do not put it upon others to have to exist within my emotional wasteland. When I receive positive affirmation, it's equally important for me to take it gratefully, without ego, and to not be placed on any pedestal or to be labeled as anything other than me. 

I believe human beings form (in our own imaginations) ideas of what everything "SHOULD" be like. Society does this for us through the media, feeding us what to perceive as the "Perfect Family" from Leave it to Beaver or Happy Days, to the Brady's, the Bundy's, or even the Simpsons. We believe our family isn't "normal" if it's not just like the ones we see on TV and we place unrealistic expectations on our loved ones without merit. We mustn't forget that every resentment is rooted from our own expectation.

We spend our entire lives searching for acceptance, kindness, affection, and unconditional love. When we have it, we find it, or it finds us, and we fail to recognize it at all, we are so preoccupied with our obsession with setting the perfect stage, micro-managing everyone's time and how they spend it, passing out scripts to every character in our lives. We are trying create the movie that plays in our mind of what it's "supposed to be". It is impossible to manufacture "perfect". We eventually find that we've lost what we had because we spent so much time telling the people who loved us that they are doing it wrong.

We fall victim to depression and lack any feelings of satisfaction when fixated on all of the trivial things that we DON'T have. In turn, we fail to feel even the smallest sense of gratitude for all of the amazing things that we DO have. We CAN adjust the ways we think, and we can adjust our perception, merely by changing our perspective. This is true for what we have or don't have materialistically, what we get or don't get from our families, in our relationships, from our education, employers, and with regard to the quality of our own lives. Striving for what we want brings us leaps and bounds above wallowing in what we don't have.

Material has filled this emotional void for so long that when we are down it feels good to get something, to buy something, or for some people to steal something. I am willing to bet that if you were to ask a 10 year old kid in middle class America to give you a mental inventory of what he has at home, he can only tell you about the stuff that "makes him cool" or that which he has and other kids only wished they had... I am even more convinced that if you were to ask that SAME child what he was missing out on, or what he didn't have that he wished he had, that he would give you a far more detailed list.

I believe we as a society have become so lazy because we are addicted to all the "stuff" that provides immediate gratification, from fast food, to the internet, to smart phones, to alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, and sex and so on. We aren't willing to "DO" anything anymore, we want everything at our disposal.

Why go to a gym and WORK out, if this pill can make me lose weight?

Why go to the library to do research when I have Google?

Why read the book when I can watch the movie?

Why feel my hurt feelings when they make a pill, powder, or drink so I don't have to? 

Why go to work when I can gamble or steal for more money?

Why do laundry when I can buy more clothes?

Why wait to get home to my spouse when I can have whats here in front of me?

My theory is that we [Americans] are entitled, spoiled, and often unappreciative. I attribute this first to EXCESS and then to that insatiable "hunger for more" we experience before we're through with all that we have in front of us. I believe that we are a gluttonous society and we've demanded more and more stuff and when the price of the stuff was too high, we've demanded more options, and now we too many CHOICES of which SIZE, COLOR, or BRAND of stuff we're gonna get, and just gotta have. 

When traveling to remote places, I feel a sense of ease, or even serenity. Or a tranquil simplicity that just FEELS BETTER. Our bodies and our minds have a way of telling us when everything is alright. Although I have no desire to go and live in a cabin in the woods, I've definitely considered a life of fewer choices, concerns, or so-called "conveniences". In fact, I find that I experience more anxiety and withdrawal from the world when I can't choose the best option as it feels like the best distraction, or the lesser of a multitude of evils. This is not at all because I am indecisive, it's because the options are all the same, there is really not one that is better than another. Then I find myself feeling dumb having even wasted my time, and wondering what I might have been more satisfied to be doing instead. That this over abundance of choices are of things that aren't even really serving a single good purpose, other than to fulfill my need to be entertained in my selfish moment of boredom, and that moment has come and gone already. As a result, I can't help but feel a little ripped off, angry that I can't have that time back, and suspicious that I was purposely diverted toward one thing as a way to distract me from recognizing the truth about something else. I don't talk too openly on this as they build institutions for people who do, and there is a vivid assortment of pills used to counteract this sort of thinking, giving doctors job security and (what do you know?) INFINITE OPTIONS for treatment of an alarming number of patients who believe they are somehow "broken" and are desperately seeking some sort of fix.

When Complex Questions are Given Understandable Answers

“The whole purpose of religion is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, forgiveness.” ~ Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama, referred to as “His Holiness” was leader of the Tibetan government until his exile in India in 1959.

I posted the above quote publicly on a predominantly Atheist group's message board. A woman who I am somewhat friendly with responded with, "Instead, religion facilitates hate, intolerance, and on oh so very rare occasions some forgiveness."

My response was as follows:


I fault our increasingly arrogant, impulsive, and childish species. 

Just like kids on a playground, as soon as anything is initiated that we don't like, we run out and start our own new game. The first requirement for membership is to hate the group we just left. It repeats and snowballs from there. Before we know it, we are fighting each other over who's playing the game right, or whose game is the best... Of course by now, we've long since forgotten that the game was meant to be enjoyed, indeed through our infinite, egotistical wisdom, we've lost sight of the primary purpose altogether. 

The most "religious" people I know, couldn't possibly believe in ANY God, based on the way they treat others. Funny ain't it? 

Taoism, for example, dates back to 4th century BC (just a couple minutes before Christianity came to be in the middle of the FIRST CENTURY...) Although its popularity is just now beginning to rise here in American culture. I hope that it will never fall prey to the mainstream American society, at the moment, all of the core principles remain in tact.

I respect the philosophies and the teachings, as they are not about worshiping anyone or anything, per se, however emphasizing the value of respect and gratitude, allowing a deep appreciation for all which exist in nature and recognizing that there is a cycle or a flow to life, not overlooking even the most raw and primitive examples we often take for granted every day.

I feel good about what I wrote.

Despicable and inhuman

The human race is a cunning civilization, while presenting as kind and gentle, not all are as we seem. Of course we know that obvious good and evil exists. However there are some members of this race that are despicable and inhuman, even cancerous to our very society. Upon first glance, and even during a longer, in depth examination, they appear no different from the rest of us. If you try to speak with them, nothing seems unusual or raises any concern. In fact, regardless of the conversation, you will get whatever it is you need to hear from them. Behind the facade, what you don't see out in the open, is that these monsters are everywhere. They are simply not uncommon, never questioned, never seeming the least bit out of place, as though they've been camouflaged into the backdrop of life. Yet secretly, and silently, they are running rampant through all of our lifestyles, habitats, and environments. Feeding their insatiable appetites as a parasite would on any trace of healthy existence. Appearing so much like the rest of us, we never suspect the source of such devastation could be living among us, contributing to our communities, teaching our children, serving our family dinner, even sleeping beside us. Yet they are, and without our knowledge, they are exposing and exploiting every weakness possible. They are gaining immense strength over us all and all that we have and we take for granted. The fierce determination of these insidious creatures to deplete us of all resources is as if there were profit to be made from the pain, suffering, or even death, of their own kind.

Part of a letter to my father

I informed my father of my recent stay at a local psychiatric hospital. I'd been depressed, isolating, and cutting... two of my friends had intervened and I was hospitalized. He wrote back and admitted to some very similar feelings and thoughts that he has struggled with all his life, this was his 63rd birthday, and the first time that we had achieved such a meaningful and personal level of conversation, part of my response was this:

As for psycho-pharmacology... I won't take meds. 

After the last medical horror show I went through, I can't justify putting man-made chemicals into my bloodstream any more. I was doing very well maintaining a healthy medium with increased stability between highs and lows for a significant period of time when placing Omega 3's, B-Complex vitamins, going organic at times, and avoiding fast food, processed foods, and preservatives. I've researched it and worked with holistic nutritionists in the past and found that it CAN work for ME.

More silently I will add, I am very much anti-government, anti-big-pharma, and anti-religion, let the record reflect that I am also anti-Alex Jones and his crazy cohorts... I simply won't be a slave to anyone's agendas real or fantasized. I have high anxiety around fanatical groups, sometimes anxiety is our minds way of saying, "Get the hell away from this"... I've come to believe only about half of what I see and none of what I hear until I've proven it to myself... and you know it's true about me, I'll burn my hand on the same hot stove 365 ways until I either admit defeat or find the my own way in (never the easier, softer way).

Regarding your admission of your own tormented mind, that comforts me quite a bit. We all know my mother would never admit to "feeling" anything that would prevent her from keeping up appearances. What you've shared with me helps, primarily I can't really feel so all alone in this... and like you, it's often that I do. Even when I meet another person who feels like I do, or is wired like me, it's hard to set appropriate boundaries or establish roles in my life or theirs.   Did you know??? >> Some studies have shown that when adults whose IQ's differ by more than 10 points are in a close working environment, relationship, or cohabitation: One or both may exhibit anxiety or discomfort, one or both may feel disconnected or out of place, at times they may even become hostile toward one another. I can absolutely identify with this, (especially when the thought is that I am surrounded by idiots) however this information doesn't always lead me to healthy behavior, as it is typical of me to believe that I'm the superior brain... At that point (if I'm not mindful), I will find myself falling down a rabbit hole of less than ideal behaviors and/or attitudes such as: manipulation, extortion, egomania, delusions of grandeur, or just allow me to come off as a pretentious douche that nobody wants to be around. Uncle Rick made mention of Mimi teaching him not to take himself too seriously. I think that this is the message that I needed to hear, I don't know about you, but I sure can be INTENSE at times ('specially when I think I'm wicked smaht).

I've determined that simple words like "SHOULD" cause me more harm than good when reflecting back on my own choices or actions. "I should know better, I should have done this or I shouldn't have done that". Facts are facts, done is done, time moves forward and nothing can be UNdone. So what I can take away from it and apply to make even the smallest change in my life TODAY is what separates me from the clinically or criminally INSANE. The word is also problematic when dealing with others. "She should know better, she should have done this, she should do that"... Who the hell am I to comment on what anyone else should or shouldn't do, I can barely manage my own life, there is no rule book, what makes me think I've got all the answers to making life "right"...? I need to focus on keeping my own side of the street clean and forget finding fault in everyone else. I've got a lifetime of shortcomings to work on. Amazingly enough, this has allowed me to find forgiveness and to let go of resentment toward others AND sometimes even myself. However my feelings of failure and worthlessness, can be overwhelming and paralyzing, this is the stuff that feeds my isolation and self soothing, it's as if my mind is holding me captive on the inside and torturing me on the outside.

That's the shit that they diagnose as, "BPD" Borderline Personality Disorder (which is treatable without medication) and that's truly in my opinion the issue at the core of my Bipolar and other "psychiatric disorders".

So as you can see, I'm kind of bright, even though I deliberately used and abused street drugs as a way to burn out my brain so that I could be just like everyone else. I write... A LOT... it's my healthiest outlet (except when I don't sleep for days because the words flow from my brain to my fingertips like they are right now).

You know the field or psychology, Dad. Removing your personal connection to me from your mind entirely, you can't actually say that there is something "seriously wrong" with the things I've shared above, or the way that I'm able to articulate or present myself, can you?

Which is precisely the reason I've been brushed aside and overlooked.

However...

When all of the above exists, I've isolated from the outside world so long I can't open my door or answer my phone, I'm wavering in and out of consciousness while causing myself physical harm, dismissing or disengaging myself from some or all of my personal responsibilities for extended periods of time, or even going to extraordinary lengths to secretly cause harm to an unsuspecting victim while making them believe that I am their only trusted friend twisting their perception and turning them against their faith, families, or employers... The diagnosis becomes far different and more serious, doesn't it?

How hard is it to diagnose a person who has "never been caught" or never acted on outrageous impulses as Passive Aggressive, or with Antisocial Personality Disorder?

I've developed this obsession with finding patterns. For the purpose of prevention, my entire manner of being has changed from reactive to proactive and I believe that it is a result of my need to be well and to feel safe.

I desperately needed to come forward and seek help because [upon admitting the truth about events from my past to myself, coming to understand some of the "why's" around my preferences and tendencies throughout all of my diverse social circles, reflecting honestly on my behavior] I began to identify patterns, I began recognizing what I may be capable of, I began to FEAR what might happen if I took my emotional health for granted... Like an out of shape heart patient deciding to train for a 5k race, I suddenly became invested in my own emotional fitness.

So while the past 16 weeks of my life seem to have manifested as this "Perfect Storm" of events... All hope is not lost. I'm where I belong, and I will remind myself at the times that I feel I am smarter than the professionals, it's only because I've lived with the shit they read about in text books and I've managed to locate the other side, and now I need to rely on their outside knowledge and experience as I would an extended hand to help to pull me through.

Something tells me this is the beginning of a new leg in my journey. One that I'm becoming ready to face.

Ummm, I Didn't get the Memo... What happened Here? Who Changed the Rules?

Conforming to what I see everyday as society's acceptable way of life is the most depraved act that I can comprehend for myself at this moment. I am more likely to take my own life, as the I cannot seem to comprehend the way we've come to dismiss human decency, being considerate of others, doing the right thing, committing acts of kindness, having humility, and a living by a some sort of moral code. 

I was taught very young to treat people the way I would like them to treat me. In summer camp, in preschool, this was referred to as "the Golden Rule", I took it literally, and I've always tried to keep it at the front of my thought process when dealing with people. I am not a true threat to others, as being homicidal would mean that I wish to hurt another human being, and I am not generally seeking relief from my own pain through the suffering of another person. When another person wrongs me, I most often blame myself. Of course, there are times when the harm they caused was in fact, cold and calculated, when it was blatant and malicious. In these cases I am usually out for blood, I can visualize myself doing horrific things to them. I suppose there could be a "perfect storm" scenario where every element was just so, I could snap and commit murder, however what usually winds up happening is that the reality in knowing that carrying out the act would affect innocent people connected to my victim, saddens me deeply and the rage turns inward... and again, it's me that deserves to hurt. I deserve to suffer, I am not worthy of anything better, and because of this I can't go on.

Suicide is ALWAYS in my mind. However, the way I see it, is final. This means "lights out", one last time around with the same old repetitive bullshit, and game over. 
I was shocked by a mental health "professional" who stated that I could not be truly suicidal. This absurd statement was backed by my lack of a very specific fantasy surrounding the details of my death (method) AND the logistics of my funeral, who would be there, what they might say or think, or how sorry they would be. I don't care about how I do it, when the time comes and I know I am ready, if I'm driving I will drive into a tree, if I'm walking I might hurl myself over an overpass, or off a cliff, or off a roof, or into a train, I could slice my own throat, or get a gun, or OD on drugs, I really am not concerned with the HOW, so much as the getting to the fastest, most efficient means to an END.
There are no details after the lights go out. I have to wonder why anyone who was TRULY wanting to end their own life would bother to fantasize about what happens after they are dead. Are they doing it to spite or hurt someone else? Are they trying to prove a point? That seems more insane in my mind than the person who just simply wants to get off the fucking ride, and get away from this rigged carnival game once and for all.

My childhood isn't the issue, it was the same old sordid tale of deception we all bring to the table, nothing better or worse than any other person who comes to a therapist at 40 years old. There was no memorable, traumatic, or catastrophic event to mark my discovery of the truth when I was 7. Yet this was the very moment where the first pin was inserted, all faith was lost, the fuse had been lit and set of the rapid spiral of anger, self injurious behavior, depression, rage, impending doom, night terrors, bed wetting, self loathing,  cutting, attempting suicide, overeating, sneaking out, running away, dishonesty, profanity, promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, crime, violence, disrespect for authority, and overall distrust in man. Nothing more than your run of the mill, textbook example of Borderline Personality Disorder.

My adult life is a whirlwind of emotional peaks and valleys,  my childhood and reckless teen years brought to light a court ordered diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. It was not until my 30's that I would find this diagnosis to be so undeniably accurate, yet I defy doctors who insist upon medicating me with modern methods. There is no way in hell that I will allow even the smallest dose of chemical pharmacology into my life ever again. 

When on those medications I had no desire, no creativity, no imagination, no ambition, no drive, no motivation, no will to succeed or to improve on anything, no self worth, no sense of individuality. I could not draw, and I used to draw very well. I almost never had any desire to write, and when i did, there was no feeling in what I wrote. Since I was able to hold a crayon or pencil, drawing and writing have gone hand in hand as the most important things in the world to me.
I was also physically unhealthy with numerous side effects from medications. The worse would affect my renal and cardiovascular health. Other drugs would impact my joints and my muscles. To top off the effects of these medicines that were supposed to "help level out my moods" would be a devastating unhappiness, not a depression per se, instead I described it as more of a feeling of involuntary isolation. Being trapped or suffocated inside of a bubble of synthetic material, like my brain chemistry and nervous system had been taken hostage and had been suspended in mid-air, in the warehouse of some aftermarket manufacturer's lab, a stagnant, purgatorial state of chemical neutrality. 
All of this was supposed to "help me cope" with life, yet I had no feeling, I could not feel my feelings at all, I wasn't able to  become aroused, or enlightened. Perhaps to my benefit, I was never angry... Nor could I feel excitement, I was internally irritated but couldn't feel enough externally to do anything to alleviate it, I was unable to cry or to even produce tears. This was not LIVING, it was less than even merely EXISTING in anyway that I would deem acceptable for myself.
My goal was to LIVE among the rest of society accepting things as they are, embracing what I have, who I am, how I am wired, without having to absorb such an extreme impact when those very specific times when my stressors, or triggers, or behaviors, seemed to flip that switch inside of me. I needed alternative ways to LEARN so that I could ADJUST my behaviors and reactions, I did NOT need brain altering chemicals.

I seem to do well for shorter periods of time when I am single, much longer periods when I am in a relationship and have another human being to be considerate of. I don't know if I am lying to myself when I say it's not about a driven desire or need to take care of or manage another person's needs. Could I be the poster child or the epitome of codependency? Or is it possible that I'm merely sadistic and  prove more productive when in a position of power over others, and in turn need to have a hostage?!
From a deeper level that feels more raw and honest to me, I feel that this trend centers mostly around my need to have a defined role in life and in the life of someone else. My desire to fulfill that role the way that I've envisioned it's, "supposed to be" with all of the kindness and honesty and respect I've never been given but always wanted in return. *The Golden Rule*
However, as things don't run smoothly as I see them in the movie playing in the back of my mind, when I cannot force them to work MY WAY... I've taken inventory while reviewing my past and I will agree definitively that I do tend to exhibit those nasty passive aggressive traits of a sociopath.

It seems that because I draw from a variety of past experience in efforts to make informed and intelligent decisions, that I don't believe anything I am told by anyone. It has become part of my nature to investigate everything and everyone sometimes to degrees far beyond necessary. If I do not find data contrary to their claims, but I'm still not comfortable allowing them "in", I will remain "on the fence" and be "guarded" throughout the early weeks or months of a new relationship. I really stay this way for a long time, I don't ever "feel" assured, I certainly don't know when or how or who to put trust my trust in. So I have begun to lie to myself and to those who love me. I paint a picture of romance and chivalry, kindness, courtesy, and eventually I believe these lies, not entirely, but enough to carry on the facade of a "healthy relationship". It's not easy to distinguish the red flags of instinct from the flashbacks of "last time" when faced with the idea of letting my guard down.

Although I knew deep inside that I had been embellishing my association with a less than mediocre acquaintance, I used to use a myriad of impulsive behaviors to my benefit when self soothing the hurt.  I'm sure that I did indeed set myself up for a great deal of the pain, as I can see that I have again lied to myself in my own voice. I will pretend to believe these lies that I tell myself until they just don't work anymore. I've placed no value on family, I've forever felt doomed as the byproduct of 2 crazy parents and am overwrought with the most inconceivable guilt for the contribution that I've tossed onto the heap myself, my own child. What's MY fault and what's theirs and what's static and can never be improved upon? What's hereditary and what's behavioral? What CAN I make a difference in and what is out of my control? What's instinctive or primal and what's learned or taught?

I am very factual, literal, and logical, I learn things best when introduced methodologically and scientifically. Information comes to me through a perpetual flow of observational data collected by my receivers: eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and skin, combined with mental note-taking or eidetic snap shots. Based on what I know to be true, I am able to form a baseline. Further results from other areas are subject to reflective analysis and added to the baseline, and my list of facts. My evaluation of data gathered through other trial & error processes allows me to deduct and give reason to believe what I have found. 
Science shows us that these methods are appropriate. Yet I find myself surrounded by the nonchalant who see no issue with wasting time, burning out resources, and fail to recognize the value of this seemingly endless supply of uncollected data. I find most people are of this lackadaisical mindset, and with that, the most recent approach to learning about ways to better our lives and the best practices we use seems to be, "Just throw it all against the wall and see what sticks". 

As stated before, my mind works in a very literal sense. I mean exactly what I say, and I use a very clear and articulate method of delivering the message I desire to get across. Yet I am nearly always misunderstood. I am mind-blown by what seems to be an increase in stupidity all around me. Maybe it's not even stupidity, or certainly not from a an IQ perspective, perhaps it is deliberate, or worse even, an actual epidemic to settle for less. 
The lack of work ethic and follow through in our own lives, in our careers, lazy parenting, accepting behavior that traditionally would be considered otherwise unacceptable. These seem to be the new "standard". I'm criticized for my need to exceed these standards, and raise the bar. I am encouraged to sit back and not do so much. This is a lifestyle to which I am unable to conform. I can't gauge what is right and wrong anymore, I do what I feel is right, yet I am robbed by the person who chooses not to and I have not a leg to stand on when fighting to get back what was taken from me. I lose the fight because the thief was versed in exploiting whatever loopholes there were in the law as it has been written. I don't wish to know all of the loopholes, or even all of the laws. Where I come from we didn't have to, we were driven by a sort of moral code, written or unwritten, it was all based on my early programming with the this all important, "Golden Rule". 
Since it's the only baseline for everything I've ever known. Feeling as if my brain is clogged with convoluted bullshit, distrust in others, and smoke from the last flicker of hope for humanity blowing out on me. I just want it all to stop, I want for it to end forever. I do not wish to continue in a world so cold and dishonest and shallow and selfish anymore. Purposeful ignorance (we don't talk about the big elephant in the room) is all too common beginning at home and now it is evident in the workplace. People are either emotionally defeated or so lazy that they don't seem to care about delivering their best anymore, it is no longer a requirement. There is no real need to follow directions, rules, orders, or protocol in everyday life: 
>Customer Service is deplorable at almost every level in for every consumer. The goal is not to help the customer anymore, it's how fast you can get rid of them. So if the customer is still having a problem, tell them you are going to transfer them to a manager and just hang up on them, let the clock start for someone else when they call back in. 
>It's nearly impossible to get a simple cup of coffee made to order without a noticeable error. Even with computerized coffee machines and measuring systems at businesses that serve nothing but coffee!
>Doctors have no time for patients and lack a bedside manner altogether. They are paid to write prescriptions and push you out the door as fast as they can.
>Construction lacks craftsmanship. Craftsmanship costs too much time and cuts profits.
>Religion lacks sanctuary. Scandal in the name of the very God they're devoted to. Nothing is sacred.
>Everything is disposable. It's cheaper to buy new than fix what we've got. Even though "new" means lower quality.
>Personal Integrity has taken a back seat to social status. May the best liar win.
>Expressing feelings is no longer a sign of weakness, but a lack of boundaries. 
>Political correctness is to align society and label those who spoke up, only to be cast out, labeled, and medicated. 
>Children are empowered negotiate their demands with parents. This should prove interesting in the future! 

I feel like I woke up one day in a parallel universe.  Where everyone lives life accepting mediocrity under the, "Fuck It" philosophy, also known as "good enough", "average is still passing", "an ugly win is still a win". 

Have we been hypnotized as a society? Baited and switched with gadgetry and awed by technology? Distracted like children with video games and lollipops? Did "they" dumb us down? Who are "they" anyway? The government? China? Aliens?

How come I didn't get entranced like the others? Do I even have a purpose in life? Should I be doing something more advanced or complex? Have I wasted so much time on the things that didn't matter, that I am now stuck in this gloomy grey area? Is this the matrix? Was I supposed to take the red pill or drink some fucking Kool-Aid? Is any of this shit really happening? Is this some experiment or lesson in quantum theory or virtual reality? Am I really thinking freely or is this someone else's idea and I am merely their puppet or a character in a larger computer life simulation game?  Is my need to understand ultimately what's killing me? Is my drive to correct my mistakes feeding my frustration? I thought this was the right thing to do! Should I already know all of this stuff? Is it too late for me to grasp it? When will the lambs stop screaming?