About Me

My photo
All I can be is just me... Here I am for all to see, love me or leave me alone.
Showing posts with label America. Show all posts
Showing posts with label America. Show all posts

Didn't Get the Memo

I woke up one morning and realized the bar had been lowered. Mediocrity was the new standard we were setting for ourselves.

I later moved to Florida.

They had raised the bar.
... just high enough to trip over.

It can't be real, I'm stuck in a parallel universe... right?!?

How the @%!# did I get here?

I wanna go home!
... to a time and place that didn't include seeing the faces of Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton day after day.

I've been in mental hospitals with less depravity than this!

Get me outta here!

Dirty Laundry Blog: 7/14/2015 PANIC AND DOOM


What happens to people when nothing is valued or earned? When everything becomes materialistic and disposable? How do we convey the satisfaction of working toward something to entitled children who only demand more?

What about when we aren't perfect, when we're tired, when we've worked our fingers to the bone for 30 plus years and don't have a damn thing to show for it? We've lost it all once, twice, or so many times we can't remember... but we're still drawing a breath so we ought to be grateful?

What do we do when we can go no further? When every fiber of our being screams for us to stop? When we can't endure another rant, whimper, vent, whine, bitch, moan, grown, tantrum, crisis or teardrop? When we realize nobody is interested in listening to our shit? When we wake up to the reality that it's everyone for themselves, and we've given everything we had so freely?

What do we have when we learn that love is a lie? When our self esteem is mutilated by the toxic bastards who gave us life? When we treat our partners like hostages? When we trade secrets on how to take without giving? When we pride ourselves on coming out on top and it means leaving another human being face down in our wake?

What does it mean when we cry for no reason? When we find pleasure in unpleasant thoughts? When we just can't do the every day tasks that we're supposed to do? When routine becomes such a fucking grueling chore that we would rather jump off a building and call it a day?

What do we do as people whose employers keep demanding more and we've got nothing left to give? When our souls are bought and sold and traded on the open market for their profit? When physical labor and skilled trades were once the bedrock of our civilization, now looked down upon like peasantry from the eyes of a prince?

What do we do when we've been to hell and back during life? When we've made amends and apologies? When we've learned to forgive and to live better and to lead others by positive example? When we can barely hold onto what little hope we have left? When our own simple ideology has no place in the prison-like world we've been sentenced to? When our recipe for happiness is ruined by the vile mephitis of decay? When we force ourselves to deny what we know in our hearts is true?

The grim fact that a foul stench is all that remains of a culture's morality.

What the fuck do we do?

Entitled and Foolish Children

How Our Enemies Will Defeat Us:
Why is America the most obese society on earth? We are entitled and lazy, arrogant and demanding. We want more than we need, better than anyone else’s, and we want it faster! Which is true of man since the beginning of time; we’ve evolved… We’ve discovered ways to be more efficient, in turn we’ve become more lazy and complacent. Our government needed to be more efficient so that they would still make all the profits. There’s a price to be paid one way or another.

Our society teaches us to pay other people to do the jobs that we don’t want to do: Cleaning, Landscaping, Painting, Farming, and oh yeah, we don’t want to pay them much. People come in from other countries and live here together and pool their money so they can survive and it’s FAR better than where they came from. We call them animals and we bitch because they are taking our jobs. The truth is we ARE NOT willing to live like they live, we ARE NOT willing to work as hard as they do, and we ARE NOT willing to get paid what they get paid. Americans are spoiled and entitled. Jobs need to be done, what we can’t afford to do in-house, we simply outsource.

In America it’s all about smart this and HD that, Wii this and iThat. None of these gadgets are manufactured here; in fact almost nothing is manufactured here. So we are already giving millions of dollars to foreign countries that may or may not have our best interest at heart. We think because we have “trade agreements” they won’t attack us.

They are attacking us. We’re too fat, dumb, and happy to know it, but they are.
Who drives 10 miles to run 5 miles on a treadmill (designed in another country with parts from another country, assembled here) where we can listen to our foreign gadget play digital music and wear our brightly colored foreign-made name brand sneakers and grab a bucket of GMO take-out for the family on the way home?!?  We are so lazy we need a phone that can do everything but wipe our ass for us. But we complain about privacy and pretend to worry about “big brother”. We haven’t got up to change a channel in 35 years and we wonder why our ass has worn a wider divot in the couch cushion.
We are addicted to instant gratification, our muscles are atrophied from lack of use, our necks are sore from texting and we have carpal tunnel from repetitive button pushing. We whine about the aches and pains, but we aren’t willing to actually do anything about it if it requires rigorous movement, exercise or further absence of our almighty convenience. 
So we take a pill.

Another product not manufactured here. This pill is promised to take your pain away. Again, there is a price for everything. Oh, you’re suddenly feeling sad? Try this pill, it will alleviate the sadness, and this one is for the suicidal thoughts associated with taking the pill for sadness, and don’t worry if it gives you muscle pain we have another pain pill for that. Now your legs are restless and your mouth is dry? Take this, it may cause hallucinations, so don’t drink on it, you might have a psychotic episode, but if you do, we have the remedy for that as well. 

“Oh so you’re addicted to the pills? The pharmaceutical company assured us they use only the finest opium from Afghanistan… I can’t see how that could happen, well since you’re addicted now, we aren’t going to give you anymore”. 
Now you are physically withdrawing and the pain has taken over and you will do ANYTHING to get a pill. Word is they are $50 on the street; let’s find one or two… A couple days later you’re sick again, the pain is worse, let’s get 4 this time… now they are too expensive. The guy with the pills says, “hey, I can’t help you with those pills anymore, but give this a shot, you only need a tiny bit; I’ll let you try this bag for free”. Hello Heroin. The progression takes over like a rapidly multiplying parasitic infection.

Incidentally, middle school and high school kids aren’t just smoking pot anymore. It’s too hard to hide from parents who are well versed in 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and 90’s life. Heroin is cheaper and easier to get and to hide… It’s not just in the inner city, it’s everywhere… 14 year olds are giving birth to heroin addicted babies and those babies are being treated with phenobarbital. Once an addict, always an addict; there’s no cure, only treatment.

While one large portion of our Nation is distracted from reality by the most cutting edge gadget, system, game, or device and can’t fathom wasting the effort to walk across the street to a neighbor’s house for coffee; another portion of our Nation is systematically being taken out by a whole new ideal in chemical warfare… created and funded by terrorists, foreign and DOMESTIC. 

As an American you have these rights:
If you don’t want to work, you don’t have to, if you don’t want to feel, you don’t have to, if you don’t want to try, you don’t have to.

In other countries; if you don’t work, you don’t eat.

If any of these other countries decided to attack us today do you think we the people would stand a chance?

Or would you go about your day with confidence, thinking, ‘that’s what the military is there for”? The very military who can’t get adequate care through the VA, the very soldiers who haven’t slept a solid night since their first deployment. The same military men and women treated with the same pills for sadness, and psychiatric issues and pain; becoming addicted themselves?

Perhaps another day with our heads in the sand will make it all go away and the internet will bring more celebrity gossip and grumpy cat meme’s with improved speed and bandwidth for us all. 

The Roots of Laziness, Woven into Our Options


I've been accused of being analytically fanatical, even paranoid. I am very literal, sometimes overly logical, my decision making tends to side with methodical, and the description I give to my thoughts is visually articulate. I enjoy dissecting ideas, thoughts, scenarios, and behaviors. Much the way I enjoy taking objects apart, observing their inner working functions, and moving parts. With a better understanding for how they work, I find a deeper appreciation of STUFF in general. My mind tends to work more scientifically than one being driven by fantasy or mystery. However knowledge of science allows me to write more terrifying and believable fantasies and mysteries!
On the other side of the scale, I am very human, extremely fallible, I do have a tendency to stand strong in protest for many things that I deem unacceptable, many would find this fortitude positive, however standing strong and protesting that which has already occurred and cannot be undone is futile. Although I inherently know that this energy can be put to good use elsewhere, I frequently find myself stuck in the rut of what is that's unsatisfactory and how it "SHOULD" be (according to my distorted mindset). Achieving preventative action, being proactive in the future is my main goal in every new found disappointment. 
I push beyond what it is, and note all of it's unfortunates, allowing my vision to illustrate what I can do to improve it moving forward. The sadness comes with the feeling of helplessness when I am reminded that I am but one woman, unable to change the world alone. I am frustrated by my failures, saddened, defeated, and disappointed that others do not share in my enthusiasm to raise the bar, and take positive steps toward creating a better life.
I don't see anything special about me. I think I am a bit more intense than most that I know, but not above average or UNIQUE in anyway. I simply see it my approach to life as a pragmatic one. Wherever and whenever possible, I own the errors of my neurotic ways and do not put it upon others to have to exist within my emotional wasteland. When I receive positive affirmation, it's equally important for me to take it gratefully, without ego, and to not be placed on any pedestal or to be labeled as anything other than me. 

I believe human beings form (in our own imaginations) ideas of what everything "SHOULD" be like. Society does this for us through the media, feeding us what to perceive as the "Perfect Family" from Leave it to Beaver or Happy Days, to the Brady's, the Bundy's, or even the Simpsons. We believe our family isn't "normal" if it's not just like the ones we see on TV and we place unrealistic expectations on our loved ones without merit. We mustn't forget that every resentment is rooted from our own expectation.

We spend our entire lives searching for acceptance, kindness, affection, and unconditional love. When we have it, we find it, or it finds us, and we fail to recognize it at all, we are so preoccupied with our obsession with setting the perfect stage, micro-managing everyone's time and how they spend it, passing out scripts to every character in our lives. We are trying create the movie that plays in our mind of what it's "supposed to be". It is impossible to manufacture "perfect". We eventually find that we've lost what we had because we spent so much time telling the people who loved us that they are doing it wrong.


We fall victim to depression and lack any feelings of satisfaction when fixated on all of the trivial things that we DON'T have. In turn, we fail to feel even the smallest sense of gratitude for all of the amazing things that we DO have. We CAN adjust the ways we think, and we can adjust our perception, merely by changing our perspective. This is true for what we have or don't have materialistically, what we get or don't get from our families, in our relationships, from our education, employers, and with regard to the quality of our own lives. Striving for what we want brings us leaps and bounds above wallowing in what we don't have.

Material has filled this emotional void for so long that when we are down it feels good to get something, to buy something, or for some people to steal something. I am willing to bet that if you were to ask a 10 year old kid in middle class America to give you a mental inventory of what he has at home, he can only tell you about the stuff that "makes him cool" or that which he has and other kids only wished they had... I am even more convinced that if you were to ask that SAME child what he was missing out on, or what he didn't have that he wished he had, that he would give you a far more detailed list.

I believe we as a society have become so lazy because we are addicted to all the "stuff" that provides immediate gratification, from fast food, to the internet, to smart phones, to alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, and sex and so on. We aren't willing to "DO" anything anymore, we want everything at our disposal.

Why go to a gym and WORK out, if this pill can make me lose weight?
Why go to the library to do research when I have Google?
Why read the book when I can watch the movie?
Why feel my hurt feelings when they make a pill, powder, or drink so I don't have to? 
Why go to work when I can gamble or steal for more money?
Why do laundry when I can buy more clothes?
Why wait to get home to my spouse when I can have whats here in front of me?

My theory is that we [Americans] are entitled, spoiled, and often unappreciative. I attribute this first to EXCESS and then to that insatiable "hunger for more" we experience before we're through with all that we have in front of us. I believe that we are a gluttonous society and we've demanded more and more stuff and when the price of the stuff was too high, we've demanded more options, and now we too many CHOICES of which SIZE, COLOR, or BRAND of stuff we're gonna get, and just gotta have. 


When traveling to remote places, I feel a sense of ease, or even serenity. Or a tranquil simplicity that just FEELS BETTER. Our bodies and our minds have a way of telling us when everything is alright. Although I have no desire to go and live in a cabin in the woods, I've definitely considered a life of fewer choices, concerns, or so-called "conveniences". In fact, I find that I experience more anxiety and withdrawal from the world when I can't choose the best option as it feels like the best distraction, or the lesser of a multitude of evils. This is not at all because I am indecisive, it's because the options are all the same, there is really not one that is better than another. Then I find myself feeling dumb having even wasted my time, and wondering what I might have been more satisfied to be doing instead. That this over abundance of choices are of things that aren't even really serving a single good purpose, other than to fulfill my need to be entertained in my selfish moment of boredom, and that moment has come and gone already. As a result, I can't help but feel a little ripped off, angry that I can't have that time back, and suspicious that I was purposely diverted toward one thing as a way to distract me from recognizing the truth about something else. I don't talk too openly on this as they build institutions for people who do, and there is a vivid assortment of pills used to counteract this sort of thinking, giving doctors job security and (what do you know?) INFINITE OPTIONS for treatment of an alarming number of patients who believe they are somehow "broken" and are desperately seeking some sort of fix.

The Human Oxymoron


I am an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I appear tough, strong, in control, calm, cool, and collected, but inside I'm crippled with fear, doubt, and insecurity on a reckless and wild roller coaster of dysfunction and pure mayhem. I find pleasure in pain. I treat the loneliness of my own depression with still more isolation. I keep people at arms length yet become saddened that no one ever gets close to me. I appear to be independent, yet I'm co-dependent to an extreme, only secure when taking care of someone else. I want to be recognized, but do not want to be watched. When I am right, all should take notice, when I am wrong, all should take cover. I hate my parents, yet desperately seek their approval. I'm disgusted by the opposite sex, and still desperately yearn for that fairy tale of happily ever after companionship. I build walls but have no boundaries. Trust no one, but tell everyone everything about me. I've been labeled as bipolar, bisexual, ambidextrous, passive aggressive, anti social, and yet I'm a social butterfly. I enjoy serenity and am attracted to chaos. I'm a loner, but I'm popular. I'm overworked and underpaid, an addict, a gambler, a stunt driver, a negotiator, an artist, and a muse. I am a best friend and a worst enemy. Let me talk you in or out of anything. I can steal your wallet and help you look for it. I'm born to help and full of hurt, therefore any behavior, substance, or lifestyle that produces enough pleasure to take ME out of me for even a split second... I will become instantly addicted to, constantly chasing any and all feelings of relief to the end of the line, as though I'm on a quest to discover the meaning of life.

Every single part of my life is an extreme in one way or another. I want everything in an instant, or I want nothing at all, I seek absolute perfection or see grounds for immediate dismissal. I am considered overqualified, yet I fall short and will almost ALWAYS underachieve. I am the epitome of spoiled, a textbook example of the purest childish entitlement, this stubborn "all or nothing" attitude. My thermostat is completely off or on the highest temperature, the volume of music has to be turned to the max. I take the hottest showers, and drink the coldest coffee, I barely nap during the day, and stay up all night. I want nothing more than to get to the point, so I find myself reading books and directions backwards. I know better than anyone, I even under-mind my GPS. I make lists but never use them. My best intentions ALWAYS yield the worst results. I detest and repudiate from the rules, instinctively break laws, undoubtedly resist management, defy government, debunk religion, shun politics, and nix the teachings of the like. I abide by my own principles based on logic and my personal experience and knowledge of all of the above. I  live to challenge the so-called experts. I will argue semantics just to make you second guess yourself. I adamantly reject any notion to conform, I subscribe to virtually nothing, I've adopted no trends, I cannot follow blindly like a sheep. I don't smoke nor believe in modern American medicine, I refuse to conform or to be enslaved by the inconvenient conveniences of modern society or anyone else's selfish, self righteous agendas.