About Me

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All I can be is just me... Here I am for all to see, love me or leave me alone.

The Roots of Laziness, Woven into Our Options

I've been accused of being analytically fanatical, even paranoid. I am very literal, sometimes overly logical, my decision making tends to side with methodical, and the description I give to my thoughts is visually articulate. I enjoy dissecting ideas, thoughts, scenarios, and behaviors. Much the way I enjoy taking objects apart, observing their inner working functions, and moving parts. With a better understanding for how they work, I find a deeper appreciation of STUFF in general. My mind tends to work more scientifically than one being driven by fantasy or mystery. However knowledge of science allows me to write more terrifying and believable fantasies and mysteries!
On the other side of the scale, I am very human, extremely fallible, I do have a tendency to stand strong in protest for many things that I deem unacceptable, many would find this fortitude positive, however standing strong and protesting that which has already occurred and cannot be undone is futile. Although I inherently know that this energy can be put to good use elsewhere, I frequently find myself stuck in the rut of what is that's unsatisfactory and how it "SHOULD" be (according to my distorted mindset). Achieving preventative action, being proactive in the future is my main goal in every new found disappointment. 
I push beyond what it is, and note all of it's unfortunates, allowing my vision to illustrate what I can do to improve it moving forward. The sadness comes with the feeling of helplessness when I am reminded that I am but one woman, unable to change the world alone. I am frustrated by my failures, saddened, defeated, and disappointed that others do not share in my enthusiasm to raise the bar, and take positive steps toward creating a better life.
I don't see anything special about me. I think I am a bit more intense than most that I know, but not above average or UNIQUE in anyway. I simply see it my approach to life as a pragmatic one. Wherever and whenever possible, I own the errors of my neurotic ways and do not put it upon others to have to exist within my emotional wasteland. When I receive positive affirmation, it's equally important for me to take it gratefully, without ego, and to not be placed on any pedestal or to be labeled as anything other than me. 

I believe human beings form (in our own imaginations) ideas of what everything "SHOULD" be like. Society does this for us through the media, feeding us what to perceive as the "Perfect Family" from Leave it to Beaver or Happy Days, to the Brady's, the Bundy's, or even the Simpsons. We believe our family isn't "normal" if it's not just like the ones we see on TV and we place unrealistic expectations on our loved ones without merit. We mustn't forget that every resentment is rooted from our own expectation.

We spend our entire lives searching for acceptance, kindness, affection, and unconditional love. When we have it, we find it, or it finds us, and we fail to recognize it at all, we are so preoccupied with our obsession with setting the perfect stage, micro-managing everyone's time and how they spend it, passing out scripts to every character in our lives. We are trying create the movie that plays in our mind of what it's "supposed to be". It is impossible to manufacture "perfect". We eventually find that we've lost what we had because we spent so much time telling the people who loved us that they are doing it wrong.

We fall victim to depression and lack any feelings of satisfaction when fixated on all of the trivial things that we DON'T have. In turn, we fail to feel even the smallest sense of gratitude for all of the amazing things that we DO have. We CAN adjust the ways we think, and we can adjust our perception, merely by changing our perspective. This is true for what we have or don't have materialistically, what we get or don't get from our families, in our relationships, from our education, employers, and with regard to the quality of our own lives. Striving for what we want brings us leaps and bounds above wallowing in what we don't have.

Material has filled this emotional void for so long that when we are down it feels good to get something, to buy something, or for some people to steal something. I am willing to bet that if you were to ask a 10 year old kid in middle class America to give you a mental inventory of what he has at home, he can only tell you about the stuff that "makes him cool" or that which he has and other kids only wished they had... I am even more convinced that if you were to ask that SAME child what he was missing out on, or what he didn't have that he wished he had, that he would give you a far more detailed list.

I believe we as a society have become so lazy because we are addicted to all the "stuff" that provides immediate gratification, from fast food, to the internet, to smart phones, to alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, and sex and so on. We aren't willing to "DO" anything anymore, we want everything at our disposal.

Why go to a gym and WORK out, if this pill can make me lose weight?
Why go to the library to do research when I have Google?
Why read the book when I can watch the movie?
Why feel my hurt feelings when they make a pill, powder, or drink so I don't have to? 
Why go to work when I can gamble or steal for more money?
Why do laundry when I can buy more clothes?
Why wait to get home to my spouse when I can have whats here in front of me?

My theory is that we [Americans] are entitled, spoiled, and often unappreciative. I attribute this first to EXCESS and then to that insatiable "hunger for more" we experience before we're through with all that we have in front of us. I believe that we are a gluttonous society and we've demanded more and more stuff and when the price of the stuff was too high, we've demanded more options, and now we too many CHOICES of which SIZE, COLOR, or BRAND of stuff we're gonna get, and just gotta have. 

When traveling to remote places, I feel a sense of ease, or even serenity. Or a tranquil simplicity that just FEELS BETTER. Our bodies and our minds have a way of telling us when everything is alright. Although I have no desire to go and live in a cabin in the woods, I've definitely considered a life of fewer choices, concerns, or so-called "conveniences". In fact, I find that I experience more anxiety and withdrawal from the world when I can't choose the best option as it feels like the best distraction, or the lesser of a multitude of evils. This is not at all because I am indecisive, it's because the options are all the same, there is really not one that is better than another. Then I find myself feeling dumb having even wasted my time, and wondering what I might have been more satisfied to be doing instead. That this over abundance of choices are of things that aren't even really serving a single good purpose, other than to fulfill my need to be entertained in my selfish moment of boredom, and that moment has come and gone already. As a result, I can't help but feel a little ripped off, angry that I can't have that time back, and suspicious that I was purposely diverted toward one thing as a way to distract me from recognizing the truth about something else. I don't talk too openly on this as they build institutions for people who do, and there is a vivid assortment of pills used to counteract this sort of thinking, giving doctors job security and (what do you know?) INFINITE OPTIONS for treatment of an alarming number of patients who believe they are somehow "broken" and are desperately seeking some sort of fix.

When Complex Questions are Given Understandable Answers

“The whole purpose of religion is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, forgiveness.” ~ Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama, referred to as “His Holiness” was leader of the Tibetan government until his exile in India in 1959.

I posted the above quote publicly on a predominantly Atheist group's message board. A woman who I am somewhat friendly with responded with, "Instead, religion facilitates hate, intolerance, and on oh so very rare occasions some forgiveness."

My response was as follows:

I fault our increasingly arrogant, impulsive, and childish species. 

Just like kids on a playground, as soon as anything is initiated that we don't like, we run out and start our own new game. The first requirement for membership is to hate the group we just left. It repeats and snowballs from there. Before we know it, we are fighting each other over who's playing the game right, or whose game is the best... Of course by now, we've long since forgotten that the game was meant to be enjoyed, indeed through our infinite, egotistical wisdom, we've lost sight of the primary purpose altogether. 

The most "religious" people I know, couldn't possibly believe in ANY God, based on the way they treat others. Funny ain't it? 

Taoism, for example, dates back to 4th century BC (just a couple minutes before Christianity came to be in the middle of the FIRST CENTURY...) Although its popularity is just now beginning to rise here in American culture. I hope that it will never fall prey to the mainstream American society, at the moment, all of the core principles remain in tact.

I respect the philosophies and the teachings, as they are not about worshiping anyone or anything, per se, however emphasizing the value of respect and gratitude, allowing a deep appreciation for all which exist in nature and recognizing that there is a cycle or a flow to life, not overlooking even the most raw and primitive examples we often take for granted every day.

I feel good about what I wrote.

Despicable and inhuman

The human race is a cunning civilization, while presenting as kind and gentle, not all are as we seem. Of course we know that obvious good and evil exists. However there are some members of this race that are despicable and inhuman, even cancerous to our very society. Upon first glance, and even during a longer, in depth examination, they appear no different from the rest of us. If you try to speak with them, nothing seems unusual or raises any concern. In fact, regardless of the conversation, you will get whatever it is you need to hear from them. Behind the facade, what you don't see out in the open, is that these monsters are everywhere. They are simply not uncommon, never questioned, never seeming the least bit out of place, as though they've been camouflaged into the backdrop of life. Yet secretly, and silently, they are running rampant through all of our lifestyles, habitats, and environments. Feeding their insatiable appetites as a parasite would on any trace of healthy existence. Appearing so much like the rest of us, we never suspect the source of such devastation could be living among us, contributing to our communities, teaching our children, serving our family dinner, even sleeping beside us. Yet they are, and without our knowledge, they are exposing and exploiting every weakness possible. They are gaining immense strength over us all and all that we have and we take for granted. The fierce determination of these insidious creatures to deplete us of all resources is as if there were profit to be made from the pain, suffering, or even death, of their own kind.

Part of a letter to my father

I informed my father of my recent stay at a local psychiatric hospital. I'd been depressed, isolating, and cutting... two of my friends had intervened and I was hospitalized. He wrote back and admitted to some very similar feelings and thoughts that he has struggled with all his life, this was his 63rd birthday, and the first time that we had achieved such a meaningful and personal level of conversation, part of my response was this:
As for psycho-pharmacology... I won't take meds. 

After the last medical horror show I went through, I can't justify putting man-made chemicals into my bloodstream any more. I was doing very well maintaining a healthy medium with increased stability between highs and lows for a significant period of time when placing Omega 3's, B-Complex vitamins, going organic at times, and avoiding fast food, processed foods, and preservatives. I've researched it and worked with holistic nutritionists in the past and found that it CAN work for ME.

More silently I will add, I am very much anti-government, anti-big-pharma, and anti-religion, let the record reflect that I am also anti-Alex Jones and his crazy cohorts... I simply won't be a slave to anyone's agendas real or fantasized. I have high anxiety around fanatical groups, sometimes anxiety is our minds way of saying, "Get the hell away from this"... I've come to believe only about half of what I see and none of what I hear until I've proven it to myself... and you know it's true about me, I'll burn my hand on the same hot stove 365 ways until I either admit defeat or find the my own way in (never the easier, softer way).

Regarding your admission of your own tormented mind, that comforts me quite a bit. We all know my mother would never admit to "feeling" anything that would prevent her from keeping up appearances. What you've shared with me helps, primarily I can't really feel so all alone in this... and like you, it's often that I do. Even when I meet another person who feels like I do, or is wired like me, it's hard to set appropriate boundaries or establish roles in my life or theirs.   Did you know??? >> Some studies have shown that when adults whose IQ's differ by more than 10 points are in a close working environment, relationship, or cohabitation: One or both may exhibit anxiety or discomfort, one or both may feel disconnected or out of place, at times they may even become hostile toward one another. I can absolutely identify with this, (especially when the thought is that I am surrounded by idiots) however this information doesn't always lead me to healthy behavior, as it is typical of me to believe that I'm the superior brain... At that point (if I'm not mindful), I will find myself falling down a rabbit hole of less than ideal behaviors and/or attitudes such as: manipulation, extortion, egomania, delusions of grandeur, or just allow me to come off as a pretentious douche that nobody wants to be around. Uncle Rick made mention of Mimi teaching him not to take himself too seriously. I think that this is the message that I needed to hear, I don't know about you, but I sure can be INTENSE at times ('specially when I think I'm wicked smaht).
I've determined that simple words like "SHOULD" cause me more harm than good when reflecting back on my own choices or actions. "I should know better, I should have done this or I shouldn't have done that". Facts are facts, done is done, time moves forward and nothing can be UNdone. So what I can take away from it and apply to make even the smallest change in my life TODAY is what separates me from the clinically or criminally INSANE. The word is also problematic when dealing with others. "She should know better, she should have done this, she should do that"... Who the hell am I to comment on what anyone else should or shouldn't do, I can barely manage my own life, there is no rule book, what makes me think I've got all the answers to making life "right"...? I need to focus on keeping my own side of the street clean and forget finding fault in everyone else. I've got a lifetime of shortcomings to work on. Amazingly enough, this has allowed me to find forgiveness and to let go of resentment toward others AND sometimes even myself. However my feelings of failure and worthlessness, can be overwhelming and paralyzing, this is the stuff that feeds my isolation and self soothing, it's as if my mind is holding me captive on the inside and torturing me on the outside.

That's the shit that they diagnose as, "BPD" Borderline Personality Disorder (which is treatable without medication) and that's truly in my opinion the issue at the core of my Bipolar and other "psychiatric disorders".

So as you can see, I'm kind of bright, even though I deliberately used and abused street drugs as a way to burn out my brain so that I could be just like everyone else. I write... A LOT... it's my healthiest outlet (except when I don't sleep for days because the words flow from my brain to my fingertips like they are right now).

You know the field or psychology, Dad. Removing your personal connection to me from your mind entirely, you can't actually say that there is something "seriously wrong" with the things I've shared above, or the way that I'm able to articulate or present myself, can you?

Which is precisely the reason I've been brushed aside and overlooked.

When all of the above exists, I've isolated from the outside world so long I can't open my door or answer my phone, I'm wavering in and out of consciousness while causing myself physical harm, dismissing or disengaging myself from some or all of my personal responsibilities for extended periods of time, or even going to extraordinary lengths to secretly cause harm to an unsuspecting victim while making them believe that I am their only trusted friend twisting their perception and turning them against their faith, families, or employers... The diagnosis becomes far different and more serious, doesn't it?

How hard is it to diagnose a person who has "never been caught" or never acted on outrageous impulses as Passive Aggressive, or with Antisocial Personality Disorder?

I've developed this obsession with finding patterns. For the purpose of prevention, my entire manner of being has changed from reactive to proactive and I believe that it is a result of my need to be well and to feel safe.

I desperately needed to come forward and seek help because [upon admitting the truth about events from my past to myself, coming to understand some of the "why's" around my preferences and tendencies throughout all of my diverse social circles, reflecting honestly on my behavior] I began to identify patterns, I began recognizing what I may be capable of, I began to FEAR what might happen if I took my emotional health for granted... Like an out of shape heart patient deciding to train for a 5k race, I suddenly became invested in my own emotional fitness.

So while the past 16 weeks of my life seem to have manifested as this "Perfect Storm" of events... All hope is not lost. I'm where I belong, and I will remind myself at the times that I feel I am smarter than the professionals, it's only because I've lived with the shit they read about in text books and I've managed to locate the other side, and now I need to rely on their outside knowledge and experience as I would an extended hand to help to pull me through.

Something tells me this is the beginning of a new leg in my journey. One that I'm becoming ready to face.