Dirty Laundry Blog: 7/14/2015 PANIC AND DOOM

What happens to people when nothing is valued or earned? When everything becomes materialistic and disposable? How do we convey the satisfaction of working toward something to entitled children who only demand more?

What about when we aren't perfect, when we're tired, when we've worked our fingers to the bone for 30 plus years and don't have a damn thing to show for it? We've lost it all once, twice, or so many times we can't remember... but we're still drawing a breath so we ought to be grateful?

What do we do when we can go no further? When every fiber of our being screams for us to stop? When we can't endure another rant, whimper, vent, whine, bitch, moan, grown, tantrum, crisis or teardrop? When we realize nobody is interested in listening to our shit? When we wake up to the reality that it's everyone for themselves, and we've given everything we had so freely?

What do we have when we learn that love is a lie? When our self esteem is mutilated by the toxic bastards who gave us life? When we treat our partners like hostages? When we trade secrets on how to take without giving? When we pride ourselves on coming out on top and it means leaving another human being face down in our wake?

What does it mean when we cry for no reason? When we find pleasure in unpleasant thoughts? When we just can't do the every day tasks that we're supposed to do? When routine becomes such a fucking grueling chore that we would rather jump off a building and call it a day?

What do we do as people whose employers keep demanding more and we've got nothing left to give? When our souls are bought and sold and traded on the open market for their profit? When physical labor and skilled trades were once the bedrock of our civilization, now looked down upon like peasantry from the eyes of a prince?

What do we do when we've been to hell and back during life? When we've made amends and apologies? When we've learned to forgive and to live better and to lead others by positive example? When we can barely hold onto what little hope we have left? When our own simple ideology has no place in the prison-like world we've been sentenced to? When our recipe for happiness is ruined by the vile mephitis of decay? When we force ourselves to deny what we know in our hearts is true?

The grim fact that a foul stench is all that remains of a culture's morality.

What the fuck do we do?

Why Did You HATE ME So?

I’ve spent most of my life wondering why you never loved me.

I’ve wondered why you didn’t want my father to love me, and why you didn’t want me to love my father.

I watched you push me away like you pushed him away and I allowed you to turn my daughter on me the way you turned me against my father.

I always felt like you hated me. Since I was 7 years old, I was pretty sure you didn’t want me. You worked a million hours and never wanted to be home with me. I used to cry myself to sleep at night with visions of you in a car accident or a fire and you were never coming home.

My father only tried to do what was best for me; he had no help and no parenting skills of his own. History would repeat as it did for me, with my daughter.

Dozens of hospitalizations and surgeries and calls from hospital staff and both institutional and outpatient therapists, not once did you answer the phone or return a call. As well as 7 years of sobriety and never did you come to support me, see me or help me in any part of my recovery.

But I’ve been out of your life and her life for so long now; I’m interested in hearing all about your success. How much better is life without me? How has my daughter matured in the time that you’ve had alone with her? Tell me how she’s doing at WORK, tell me how self-sufficient she is, and tell me how proud you are of her.

I have contacted her but she hates me. That’s all you. You got what you wanted all along, your second chance… You didn’t change a fucking thing. The only reason she’s not on drugs or drunk is because you made food her addiction instead. If she knew cocaine would help her drop 150 pounds she'd be stealing your checkbook just like I did.

The events of the day that ended my contact with you were truly insane. We were supposed to have Sushi for LUNCH, but you purchased a dinner sized entrée and gave it to her  to eat ON TOP OF the dinner sized entrée she ordered herself. You are feeding her like you did to me. She’s heavier than I ever was. That’s not emotional eating, that’s a LEARNED behavior. You TAUGHT us how to use numb the pain.

You took guardianship of my daughter and signed for her to drop out of school. You never wanted what was best for my little girl. You wanted her away from me. Now what do you have? You have your homegrown adult child, wearing out the furniture, eating everything in sight, running up the bills and going nowhere.

Yes, mother, your words ring true, I was always screwed up. Denial on your part that your contribution played a role, the only chapter from my childhood that hasn’t been amended. My life improves without the thought of you in it. My pain is lessened when you aren’t here to slice me up and rub salt into the wounds. I hate you for living long enough to hurt me that one last time but I am not angry with you anymore. My acceptance came when the 7 year old girl who lives inside my broken heart was finally able to mourn her mother’s soul. Damn you for stealing my daughter’s.

She will always be MY daughter, you can manipulate her memories, you can poison her mind with your lies, but you can’t wash me out of her DNA… Mark my words, if I die before you, I swear to EVERYTHING you find sacred, I will see she is protected while you suffer a long, grueling and painful, merciless death.

18 and Straight-Edge, STILL My Daughter

The more things clear up for me, the sharper the reality becomes. I am a product of two people who have always had their own internal, personal, or even psychological issues and both continually make the same poor choices, and refuse to acknowledge that they "own" even a fraction of accountability for the things that happen in their lives as a result.

That is OK, I have no control over them, or how they wish to live their lives, and I made one poor choice in leaving my daughter with one of these people when I was actively abusing drugs and couldn't take care of her myself. Sort of a lesser of two evils decision, there really wasn't a better one in hindsight. So for the past 6 years while I've been soul searching and working through 12 step programs to make a serious effort to improve my thinking on a daily basis, my child has been living in the very toxicity which I could not bear. I did make room for my daughter to come and live with me, repeatedly extended the offer over the past 4 years and finally stopped asking. She knows that she wouldn't be allowed to live the way she does where she is. (Up all night on the computer or playing video games, sleeping all day, no job, poor hygiene, no structure, no therapy, no school). I can't control how a teenager behaves, but I can lay down the boundaries of what I am willing to tolerate in my own home.

Needless to say because my child has not lived with me for several years and is now 18, she's not really interested in the whole mother daughter relationship. I have talked with her about drugs, about alcohol, about sex, about peer pressure, about anger and rage, she views everything as a lecture, and responds with "I know, Mom". She won't talk about anything but girl gossip and teen-aged drama, I don't  know what to give her on birthdays and holidays, because she is so over-indulged to begin with. She's over 300 pounds, her inevitable addiction has manifested itself in food, although she denies it. I don't know how to help her and suddenly it becomes clear that she doesn't WANT my help. I can't be the one who helps her, I get that, but I am the only one trying. In fact, I am the only person in my family working on improving my life, and that makes me the enemy.

My daughter, views me as an asshole for having not pulled my head out of my ass 12 years before so that I could have been the mother she imagines I would be. My mother thinks that insanity is a choice and blames my father's side of the family for the choices I made which "made [me] crazy". Both are living in the past. I made my amends, and continue to, I follow through by being available and reliable and keeping my promises, my temper improved, although there were many days when I had to cut my visit short, as my bullshit meter was in the red and I was about to blow a gasket.

Which brings us to yesterday. Thanksgiving Saturday with my mother and daughter, out to lunch and to a movie... We get to the restaurant and my anorexic mother says she doesn't want to eat, but orders a meal anyway so that my food addicted daughter can have two entrees. When I make a comment about it, my daughter decides she doesn't want anything at all. The tension begins, there is a disturbance in the force, and I am already the bad guy for having pointed out the obvious. Then we go to the movie, walking back to the car, it is COLD out, my daughter is dressed for early fall not 30 degree weather, starts complaining about the temperature. I point out that she's not dressed for the weather, she argues that her winter coat is no warmer... Naturally, I say, do you need a new winter coat? She says "No, I hate the cold weather" (she has never lived in or even visited ANY other climate). My response is, "OK then, get a job and move out to a warmer part of the world" She SNAPS before I know it she's gone, now my mother and I are sitting in the car while she has her tantrum somewhere outside in this cold which she cannot handle... 30 minutes go by and she finally gets in the car, I ask her why she took off, especially if she is "so cold" she flips out again, almost psychotically, screaming at the top of her lungs and making little to no sense.

The general barrage of fuck you's and I hate you's were followed up by, "You were never there" and "you don't even care" as it turns out, the trigger phrase that had set her in motion was the "get a job" part. "I've been trying so hard to get a job, Mom, you don't even know." A better parent may have allowed this to end right then, however my parents did me a dis-service by not calling me on my lies and bullshit. Earlier in the week and again in the day, I had asked my daughter if she had tried on ANY of the $200.00 worth of clothes that I had bought her 5 weeks prior, "not yet" was the response. Considering those clothes were "help find and secure a job" clothes... Considering every one of her "posts" on social media sites was something about video games or horror movies, and had been time stamped all throughout the hours of the night when most people sleep, and my mother had been complaining to me that she sleeps all damn day long when most people job hunt, I called her out. I threw the bullshit flag, without a notion of my how my actions would be received, and it was ugly.

Although emotionally hung over, I do not regret what I did. I placed the accountability back on my 18 year old, because my mother never did (on either of us). Of course blame has been passed through the family several times, not the same, and not something that I have time for. My daughter has adapted her skills to be in shape for the blame game and this has become very convenient for her. I made it very clear that I wouldn't allow her to lie to herself in my presence. We all make our choices, and we are not victims of the consequences when we make one that doesn't turn out the way we WANT it to. Since life is such a learning experience, I am grateful today for the consequences of my choices, some are a jagged pill to swallow, but all are a direct result of the way I choose to make decisions.

My mother and daughter may never change, what changed yesterday was my participation in their game. I do not have to go to every fight I am invited to. I've changed and I will continue to change, I am a work in progress and I do not do everything right. However, I crawl beneath no one, and owe no more apologies to this family. My amends are continued as I live and continue to grow and continue to learn from the errors of my ways, like any adult is meant to do. I hate the thought that my daughter is inevitably going to have to suffer through some of the most difficult times of her life, almost needlessly until she finds that she's lying to herself and that blame doesn't matter. Other people's behavior doesn't matter, as it is uncontrollable, that all she can control are her own actions and reactions to her choices and consequences. However what she finds along the way is part of her journey, not mine, and I refuse to be abused any longer.

What have I become?

I was a head strong little girl, much to the dismay of my parents. I never took no for an answer, I rarely did as I was told, I refused to accept fact as fact, I wanted to be just like the people who proved the world wasn't flat. I hated myself yet I held myself at such high regard that I thought the grown ups around me were idiots. This was the birth of the human oxymoron.

Running was what I did whenever I felt the chains of society bind me. I refused to be confined or enslaved, I wanted to explore, I wanted to discover, I wanted to uncover, I wanted to be recognized for a groundbreaking historical find. I've not given up this quest!

As I got older I was impossible to tame, I played sports and was always arguing rules and semantics and never taking any answer as the right one. My teachers and coaches were at a loss. Parents wouldn't let their kids play with me. I was angry, and defiant. I ate what I wanted, slept when I wanted, drank, did drugs, had sex, fought, stole, ran away, worked, went to school, lived away from home, went to college, worked, and fell apart over and over and over again. I went to prison at 19 years old. I got out and more discreet about my beliefs, I kept my opinions to myself and my close friends, I stopped trying to be so extreme with my reckless behavior, I gave up select drugs, which I was sure were the cause of my problems. Inevitably, I was back to the old me in no time.

I had a kid at 21, I was a complete train wreck, I defiantly took her without help gave her a home. I subjected that child to the most depraved and unhealthy moments in my life. I settled for less than what I truly deserved, and I got exactly what I had coming to me. When my daughter turned 7, I dropped her off at my mother's house and never returned for her. This was the moment that I became free to live the way my addiction wanted me to live. I had no morals, no spiritual values, not a lick of common sense, no affinity, no allegiance to anyone or anything but cocaine, my one and only true love.

Cocaine called all the shots, for the next 5 years. Every breath I took was around using or obtaining it. It never rejected me, never neglected me, never hurt me, never promised me anything, it was always there when I needed it most, it always made me feel better, I was popular because I always had it, I wasn't a criminal, I was a rock star, I wasn't hiding, I was advertising, I wasn't lonely, everybody loved me.

Until it stopped working. Nobody trusted me, I was alone, isolated, hiding, paranoid, miserable, full of guilt, shame, remorse, pain, anger, and rejection. I wanted to end my days on this planet, the pain was great enough for me to try one last time to check out for good. I did it, I definitely did it, but nothing happened, my heart should have exploded, it should have stopped, I should have dropped to the floor, I should have had a seizure, a stroke, a heart attack, something. Nothing fucking happened.

The realization that my work here was not yet complete gave me one option, to get help, and there was no better time than the present. My mission was simple, "How the Hell do I exist in society without putting poison in my body? How do I learn to stop fighting everything so furiously?" That's all I wanted, it's all I needed. It's coming true, the answers are being revealed, more and more each day.

It's now 6 years later and so much has changed. So much remains the same as well...

I am defiant, I am full of self will, yet I am humbled, I am less reactive. I want to allow someone into my life today, I'm ready to relinquish some of the power and share it with another human being, a person who is kind and loving, someone whose strengths fill in my weakness and vice versa.

Criticism Mirrors Back to the Critic

I did not know what it was with me, for the past few days I felt angry toward a few newcomers that didn't act as though they were willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. I wanted to cut them out of my life completely because of how irritable and frustrated I had become around them.
I was sure it couldn't be ME... If it was, I justified it as having hit my breaking point with my own codependency issues and shouldn't talk to so many newcomers.

I distanced myself and found no reduction in the level of disgust that was brewing inside of me, I realized this was in fact MY issue, and I had inwardly become a judgmental, critical, bitch.
I was talking about these people to others, I was negative, and I assassinated their character. That is NOT me, I became more angry, that's just not my style, I am a better person than that. These people viewed me as a friend, a confidant, a mentor.

The feeling in my gut was clammy and cold, I was so full of shame, I couldn't believe that I could have allowed myself to fall back into such horrible habits. I was sick to my stomach for what I had become, I did not sleep that night, the next morning I woke up suicidal and depressed, angry with myself about not being able to identify the why and carrying the guilt of my actions. I went to my regular meeting, we read Step 1. People with time began to share, "not wanting to forget where they came from" and "we are here for the newcomer, we've been where they are".

I crumbled, broke out into tears, not only was I reminded of just how sick I once was, but awakened to how sick I still am. A newcomer was sitting next to me, she wrapped her arms around me, put her hand on my head like a mother to a child and said, "You are going to be alright". I tried to pull away, she said, "Be still, feel your feelings, this is what you have taught me, just breathe and stay in the moment... FEEL, DEAL, HEAL".

I was as grateful as I could have been. She wasn't one of the newcomers that I felt frustrated about, but she spoke for all of them in that moment. Those words that she whispered in my ear were not original, they were not MY words, they were the words of those who came before me, those who helped me when I was new and taught me how to be of service to others, they didn't judge me, they loved me when I did not have the ability to love myself.

Once I had a chance to reflect, I realized that I was not only angry with people for doing exactly what I had done in the past, but I was jealous of the fact that they were doing it. Once more, I was watching people engage in behaviors that weren't conducive to their recovery, and I found that I too, was engaging in those VERY SAME behaviors myself.

During this epiphany, I heard a man say, "This is the only disease you'll have that will TELL you that you don't have it!"

I'm an addict in recovery today. I have no excuses to offer, simply amends to make, apologies for those who saw the evil and negativity of my disease rear it's ugly head, and radical changes need take place in my behavior, my attitudes, and my spiritual health.

Reflecting Back Brings Gratitude.

In the first year, I was out of my mind, I was all over the place, I was desperate to feel better, it's all a blur to try to recall today, but there are a few who can tell me stories... Oh boy, can they ever!

The second year was better, I was able to maintain, I regained all I had lost, materially. I forced myself to be "sane" among my peers outside of my program. It worked, or people learned to embrace my insanity, not sure, but I made it through. I became ill and was out of work for 3 months, I had several surgeries, and came through with no family, few friends, and never fully recovered physically. Recovery from my addiction took a back seat to my health.

The third year into the forth life evolved, my ego blew up with financial success. In my eyes, all was perfect, I was happy and all I needed was someone to share it with... I found a sick relationship that was a horrible relapse for lack of a better description. All of my old behaviors and shortcomings rose above my financial status, and in no time, I was homicidal, suicidal, and defeated. It is a miracle I did not pick up, as I had almost no recovery in my life at that time.

I returned to meetings, dug out the books, the phone numbers, got right back into the middle of the program. I became ill again, shortly thereafter. Surgeries were needed, I procrastinated as my career and recovery was more important than my health, my plate was full, and I was hesitant to trust the doctors. Eventually, it became medically necessary to operate. I lost my job and health insurance before it could happen, was ill which deemed me unable to receive unemployment compensation at first. I was forced to leave a beautiful home and move to a state where there would be help available to me. Back home where I got sober in the first place, back to where it all started, and although my health issues are compounding, although I haven't be able to receive all of the resources I need, I am getting well in my recovery again, because I did NOT pick up in times of adversity, I did NOT pick up in times of crisis, depression, rage, excitement, or celebration.

In my fifth year, I am clearing up enough to recognize when I am going back to the hot stove again and again, repeating the old behaviors, the insanity. I recognize, however still a defiant addict, I am not always willing to stop, even when there is great pain. I never saw my behavior before, it's sick, and I see it now and THAT is progress. I am not riding ever bus til the wheels fall off today, I am not showing up to every fight I am invited to. I have a choice today, I can fall victim to my disease or I can employ the tools and the gifts given to have a defense. I have let go of some sinking (friend) ships, I have opened my heart and allowed myself to TRUST those who have been conducive to my recovery. I am working on me, unselfishly, and well deserved. My plate is full again, this time it's full of recovery, and I love my life.

Evil Took My Baby

Somehow, some way 
given the dangerous games I played.. 
I am able to fight from morning to night, 
with hope that I can actually get it right. 
The sickness inside is a curse of the fam, 
it's taken me off to the world of the damned. 
I've seen hell, been there, lived it! 
Today I stay within my limits... 

Seeing my baby in my old shoes is scary, 
I must protect her from my mother Mary. 
I see my past, know where I came from, 
I can try to take her, but she'll never come. 
She just doesn't know or understand 
how she was ripped out of my hands. 
Portrayed so perfect she appears so tight, 
but she lives a lie beyond her own insight. 
A daughter should know her mother's not lying, 
she's been fed the same crap that everyone's buying. 

She's been hurt so much, she's so confused, 
so naive to the fact that she's being abused. 
Pure evil will sit up on the highest perch... 
and masquerade in the shadows of the church. 
Brainwashed, convinced, she's got them all tricked 
That's MY BABY, Evil has clenched in her grips! 
I can't stand to see it, I could fight to the death. 
I would lose her for sure, and have nothing left. 

I love my baby I know how she suffers, 
because of me, the worst kind of mother... 
What's left to do? I have made my amends! 
I have to be patient until it finally ends. 
I wish she would open her eyes to the truth, 
she'd still have some time to enjoy her youth. 
All I can do is wait here at the gate, 
hope when she comes out it's not too late.

Ode to My Disease

To My Disease,

Everyday you held me down and beat me into submission. You lied to me in my own voice, you crippled me with fear, you told me I was less than, that I would never be good enough, that people don't want me, that I was not worthy of any love. You infested my body for so long that I became unaware of who and what I was truly meant to be. You forced me to obsess and stew miserably over the hurtful words of others for an entire lifetime. You have pulled me away from people and thwarted all of my efforts toward intimacy and love. You polluted my thoughts and systematically began killing me when I was just a young child. You kept me emotionally separated from my parents and from others. You taught me not to trust anyone, you skewed my vision, allowing me to see only the dark and the negative. You convinced me that it was my fault when I was being hurt, that I deserved it.

Then when the time was right, you befriended and tricked me, you cashed in on my inadequacies. You convinced me that poisoning my body and my mind would help allow me to fit in with the world. That poison fed you, it made you grow more powerful inside of me, you told me that as long as we had each other, we didn't need to be loved. People would try to come between us, and we would have to protect our relationship. Perfecting our ability to lie, cheat, rob, manipulate, assault, or attack anyone who might try to stop us, because they were only trying to hurt us, after all, nobody was to be trusted. You assured me that we were partners in crime, outsiders were not welcome, we were sick enough to kill if it came down to it, so the world should fear us, that we would someday be famous for the horrific things we did. 

Like a demon, you had a hold on my entire existence. You controlled my will, you molded me into want what you wanted, an empty shell. Perhaps if you were to successfully gain possession my soul, upon my demise, you would inhabit the vessel by which you shall carry out your evil plot to sneak into heaven. God had a different plan.

Whether I chose to admit it or not, He had been there all along. 

The miracle happened, and you were arrested. Like a criminal, your liberties were removed, every day you've gone before the parole board, every day you have remained under arrest.

Today I shall not feed you.

Today I shall not fear you.

Today I shall not aid you.

Today I shall be grateful, for it was you, my disease, which ultimately brought me closer to my Higher Power.