AA is a group of sick people working to get well, we go to learn how to live a quality life without alcohol (and/or drugs). With the help of those who came before us, we watch the others, we take what we need and we leave the rest, we try to live a day at a time without hurting one another, and we work on our individual shortcomings rather than pointing out the shortcomings of others, these are all things that do not come easy for the alcoholic, which is why we keep coming, and in time, things get better. We learn about things like patience and tolerance, we hear and see slogans on banners that say things like, "Live and Let Live" and they suddenly start to mean something to us, we are able to reflect back upon our own behavior in early recovery, and we start to see how sick we truly were, and years later, if we keep doing the next right thing, we can still see how sick we continue to be, or still are! We learn how to be grateful that this is a journey not a destination, nothing is meant to be done perfectly. I have days where I want to jump out of my own skin rather than to listen to someone dumping their problems on the group, however, I also have days where my problems feel like the most catastrophic issues of the world and when I try to talk about them everything comes out like a manic cyclone of drama and emotion... I don't want to be viewed as the over dramatic psycho, but maybe that is my fear of people actually getting to know who I am inside, childish, grandiose, and insensitive...

I Know You're Out There!

We all have good days and we all have bad days, we all do things that we wish we could do differently and we all have things we wish we could take back altogether. We all have personality quirks, and we all struggle with a certain level of insecurity. These things are a fact of life for any human being. 

Perhaps there is an abundance of things I would like to change about myself starting today. How to I know what things take priority? I feel like I need to understand things in order to put changes in place. I need to know a process before I can find more efficient ones, and the only way to know a process is to be a part of it. So if you hired me to help improve efficiency on your manufacturing floor, I would not be doing you any service to just tell you to speed up the line, if in fact there is are issues throughout the process. I am always looking for root causes...

As far as my shortcomings are concerned, there are some fundamental elements in my process which may have shaken loose and in some cases fallen completely out of the track. I need to get a handle on my temper, more so the fueled-by-stupidity tantrums that erupt, which in the most recent of days, spins off to pilot my already foul mouth and sharp tongue at an alarming real-time, instant. The cherry on top of this home-spun delight is my general disdain for authority. It is beginning to come clear now, that this is a caustic combination of traits when combined in a non-controlled environment. It appears that such an unstable mixture may become explosive in the least noticeable pressure change in ANY environment. So when one is subjected to corporate America, there is bound to be an explosion of mushroom cloud proportions.

As I understand it, stupidity and a lack of common sense is the root of my personality flaw. I can't eradicate all of the stupid people, I can't inject anyone with common sense. So what now? Kill myself?

No, that's too simple, and I can't possibly be the only one. In fact I know that I am not. Better yet, the only time in my existence that I feel as if I'm not alone, is when talking to one of these people, they are the only ones who GET ME, and they get me because they THINK like me. Most of the time, I feel like an alien in a strange world. I have become friendly with others like me. There are more of us out there, and the faster we can create unity, the better off we will all be... You don't have to be an addict, an alcoholic, a degenerate gambler, you simply have to identify with something that you've read in any one of my neurotic posts. 

The only requirement is to be a free thinking, open minded human being. You won't have to drink the Kool-Aid or wear a tin foil hat, your thoughts are welcome, come along for the wild roller coaster ride... 

What have I become?

I was a head strong little girl, much to the dismay of my parents. I never took no for an answer, I rarely did as I was told, I refused to accept fact as fact, I wanted to be just like the people who proved the world wasn't flat. I hated myself yet I held myself at such high regard that I thought the grown ups around me were idiots. This was the birth of the human oxymoron.

Running was what I did whenever I felt the chains of society bind me. I refused to be confined or enslaved, I wanted to explore, I wanted to discover, I wanted to uncover, I wanted to be recognized for a groundbreaking historical find. I've not given up this quest!

As I got older I was impossible to tame, I played sports and was always arguing rules and semantics and never taking any answer as the right one. My teachers and coaches were at a loss. Parents wouldn't let their kids play with me. I was angry, and defiant. I ate what I wanted, slept when I wanted, drank, did drugs, had sex, fought, stole, ran away, worked, went to school, lived away from home, went to college, worked, and fell apart over and over and over again. I went to prison at 19 years old. I got out and more discreet about my beliefs, I kept my opinions to myself and my close friends, I stopped trying to be so extreme with my reckless behavior, I gave up select drugs, which I was sure were the cause of my problems. Inevitably, I was back to the old me in no time.

I had a kid at 21, I was a complete train wreck, I defiantly took her without help gave her a home. I subjected that child to the most depraved and unhealthy moments in my life. I settled for less than what I truly deserved, and I got exactly what I had coming to me. When my daughter turned 7, I dropped her off at my mother's house and never returned for her. This was the moment that I became free to live the way my addiction wanted me to live. I had no morals, no spiritual values, not a lick of common sense, no affinity, no allegiance to anyone or anything but cocaine, my one and only true love.

Cocaine called all the shots, for the next 5 years. Every breath I took was around using or obtaining it. It never rejected me, never neglected me, never hurt me, never promised me anything, it was always there when I needed it most, it always made me feel better, I was popular because I always had it, I wasn't a criminal, I was a rock star, I wasn't hiding, I was advertising, I wasn't lonely, everybody loved me.

Until it stopped working. Nobody trusted me, I was alone, isolated, hiding, paranoid, miserable, full of guilt, shame, remorse, pain, anger, and rejection. I wanted to end my days on this planet, the pain was great enough for me to try one last time to check out for good. I did it, I definitely did it, but nothing happened, my heart should have exploded, it should have stopped, I should have dropped to the floor, I should have had a seizure, a stroke, a heart attack, something. Nothing fucking happened.

The realization that my work here was not yet complete gave me one option, to get help, and there was no better time than the present. My mission was simple, "How the Hell do I exist in society without putting poison in my body? How do I learn to stop fighting everything so furiously?" That's all I wanted, it's all I needed. It's coming true, the answers are being revealed, more and more each day.

It's now 6 years later and so much has changed. So much remains the same as well...

I am defiant, I am full of self will, yet I am humbled, I am less reactive. I want to allow someone into my life today, I'm ready to relinquish some of the power and share it with another human being, a person who is kind and loving, someone whose strengths fill in my weakness and vice versa.

Well, well, not so "well"

I am the High Priestess of Humility, Allow me to lead you into a world of serenity and peaceful goodness... My wisdom comes from experience and I have proven to be an expert on everything that you can present to me. If you have any doubts, that's normal, your sick mind is still twisted from your inflated ego, which is all based on fear, that's OK, come along anyway, don't be afraid, TRUST ME, I'll help guide you, have no worries, for I have all of the answers you seek. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, so long as you NEVER disagree!

Criticism Mirrors Back to the Critic

I did not know what it was with me, for the past few days I felt angry toward a few newcomers that didn't act as though they were willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. I wanted to cut them out of my life completely because of how irritable and frustrated I had become around them.
I was sure it couldn't be ME... If it was, I justified it as having hit my breaking point with my own codependency issues and shouldn't talk to so many newcomers.

I distanced myself and found no reduction in the level of disgust that was brewing inside of me, I realized this was in fact MY issue, and I had inwardly become a judgmental, critical, bitch.
I was talking about these people to others, I was negative, and I assassinated their character. That is NOT me, I became more angry, that's just not my style, I am a better person than that. These people viewed me as a friend, a confidant, a mentor.

The feeling in my gut was clammy and cold, I was so full of shame, I couldn't believe that I could have allowed myself to fall back into such horrible habits. I was sick to my stomach for what I had become, I did not sleep that night, the next morning I woke up suicidal and depressed, angry with myself about not being able to identify the why and carrying the guilt of my actions. I went to my regular meeting, we read Step 1. People with time began to share, "not wanting to forget where they came from" and "we are here for the newcomer, we've been where they are".

I crumbled, broke out into tears, not only was I reminded of just how sick I once was, but awakened to how sick I still am. A newcomer was sitting next to me, she wrapped her arms around me, put her hand on my head like a mother to a child and said, "You are going to be alright". I tried to pull away, she said, "Be still, feel your feelings, this is what you have taught me, just breathe and stay in the moment... FEEL, DEAL, HEAL".

I was as grateful as I could have been. She wasn't one of the newcomers that I felt frustrated about, but she spoke for all of them in that moment. Those words that she whispered in my ear were not original, they were not MY words, they were the words of those who came before me, those who helped me when I was new and taught me how to be of service to others, they didn't judge me, they loved me when I did not have the ability to love myself.

Once I had a chance to reflect, I realized that I was not only angry with people for doing exactly what I had done in the past, but I was jealous of the fact that they were doing it. Once more, I was watching people engage in behaviors that weren't conducive to their recovery, and I found that I too, was engaging in those VERY SAME behaviors myself.

During this epiphany, I heard a man say, "This is the only disease you'll have that will TELL you that you don't have it!"

I'm an addict in recovery today. I have no excuses to offer, simply amends to make, apologies for those who saw the evil and negativity of my disease rear it's ugly head, and radical changes need take place in my behavior, my attitudes, and my spiritual health.

Reflecting Back Brings Gratitude.

In the first year, I was out of my mind, I was all over the place, I was desperate to feel better, it's all a blur to try to recall today, but there are a few who can tell me stories... Oh boy, can they ever!

The second year was better, I was able to maintain, I regained all I had lost, materially. I forced myself to be "sane" among my peers outside of my program. It worked, or people learned to embrace my insanity, not sure, but I made it through. I became ill and was out of work for 3 months, I had several surgeries, and came through with no family, few friends, and never fully recovered physically. Recovery from my addiction took a back seat to my health.

The third year into the forth life evolved, my ego blew up with financial success. In my eyes, all was perfect, I was happy and all I needed was someone to share it with... I found a sick relationship that was a horrible relapse for lack of a better description. All of my old behaviors and shortcomings rose above my financial status, and in no time, I was homicidal, suicidal, and defeated. It is a miracle I did not pick up, as I had almost no recovery in my life at that time.

I returned to meetings, dug out the books, the phone numbers, got right back into the middle of the program. I became ill again, shortly thereafter. Surgeries were needed, I procrastinated as my career and recovery was more important than my health, my plate was full, and I was hesitant to trust the doctors. Eventually, it became medically necessary to operate. I lost my job and health insurance before it could happen, was ill which deemed me unable to receive unemployment compensation at first. I was forced to leave a beautiful home and move to a state where there would be help available to me. Back home where I got sober in the first place, back to where it all started, and although my health issues are compounding, although I haven't be able to receive all of the resources I need, I am getting well in my recovery again, because I did NOT pick up in times of adversity, I did NOT pick up in times of crisis, depression, rage, excitement, or celebration.

In my fifth year, I am clearing up enough to recognize when I am going back to the hot stove again and again, repeating the old behaviors, the insanity. I recognize, however still a defiant addict, I am not always willing to stop, even when there is great pain. I never saw my behavior before, it's sick, and I see it now and THAT is progress. I am not riding ever bus til the wheels fall off today, I am not showing up to every fight I am invited to. I have a choice today, I can fall victim to my disease or I can employ the tools and the gifts given to have a defense. I have let go of some sinking (friend) ships, I have opened my heart and allowed myself to TRUST those who have been conducive to my recovery. I am working on me, unselfishly, and well deserved. My plate is full again, this time it's full of recovery, and I love my life.

Loving, Living, Letting Go

I have been in love ONE TIME, with ONE MAN. Yet we were never together.
I wanted to be in the presence of this man since as far back as I can remember knowing him.
He was as individual as I ever thought I was at that time. Mysterious in ways that intrigued me.
I wanted desperately for him to talk to me, eventually he did and we became the closest of friends.
I never had the nerve to say what I was feeling, yet I was content in being there in whatever it was.
I felt SAFE in his arms, (no one had I TRUSTED before). I chased these feelings like a drug for 25 years.
I loved this man and wanted him to love me back. I couldn't speak of it, I was terrified, I couldn't face rejection, and I was sure he had better prospects. I remained paralyzed in that fear for a lifetime.
I settled for less, repeatedly.  No man was ever as kind, as gentle, as honest, as real, as intelligent, or as responsible as he was.
Today he is sick, suffering from the depression, anger, and antisocial issues that this disease provides.
I see him and my heart hurts, it angers me to see THE man who ALWAYS helped me make the right decisions, not be available to himself for the same advice. I want to SAVE him, I want to FIX him. I want to cry out to him, tell him I love him, and give him a reason to want to get better.
He was my first love, he was my best friend, and I felt that he was my soul mate. His soul is like a message in a bottle, floating in a sea of alcohol and barely a fleeting thought to him right now. I loved this man with the patience and conviction that a wife would have had.
Today I can see that we did share something special, I did fit in with him, we were two cut from the same cloth, birds of a feather, two sickies that would have never made a wellie.
Today, my love for him is the love that I have of a sick and suffering alcoholic. I will never forget how much he means to me and I will pray to God that he finds his way to recovery.

Evil Took My Baby

Somehow, some way 
given the dangerous games I played.. 
I am able to fight from morning to night, 
with hope that I can actually get it right. 
The sickness inside is a curse of the fam, 
it's taken me off to the world of the damned. 
I've seen hell, been there, lived it! 
Today I stay within my limits... 

Seeing my baby in my old shoes is scary, 
I must protect her from my mother Mary. 
I see my past, know where I came from, 
I can try to take her, but she'll never come. 
She just doesn't know or understand 
how she was ripped out of my hands. 
Portrayed so perfect she appears so tight, 
but she lives a lie beyond her own insight. 
A daughter should know her mother's not lying, 
she's been fed the same crap that everyone's buying. 

She's been hurt so much, she's so confused, 
so naive to the fact that she's being abused. 
Pure evil will sit up on the highest perch... 
and masquerade in the shadows of the church. 
Brainwashed, convinced, she's got them all tricked 
That's MY BABY, Evil has clenched in her grips! 
I can't stand to see it, I could fight to the death. 
I would lose her for sure, and have nothing left. 

I love my baby I know how she suffers, 
because of me, the worst kind of mother... 
What's left to do? I have made my amends! 
I have to be patient until it finally ends. 
I wish she would open her eyes to the truth, 
she'd still have some time to enjoy her youth. 
All I can do is wait here at the gate, 
hope when she comes out it's not too late.

Ode to My Disease

To My Disease,

Everyday you held me down and beat me into submission. You lied to me in my own voice, you crippled me with fear, you told me I was less than, that I would never be good enough, that people don't want me, that I was not worthy of any love. You infested my body for so long that I became unaware of who and what I was truly meant to be. You forced me to obsess and stew miserably over the hurtful words of others for an entire lifetime. You have pulled me away from people and thwarted all of my efforts toward intimacy and love. You polluted my thoughts and systematically began killing me when I was just a young child. You kept me emotionally separated from my parents and from others. You taught me not to trust anyone, you skewed my vision, allowing me to see only the dark and the negative. You convinced me that it was my fault when I was being hurt, that I deserved it.

Then when the time was right, you befriended and tricked me, you cashed in on my inadequacies. You convinced me that poisoning my body and my mind would help allow me to fit in with the world. That poison fed you, it made you grow more powerful inside of me, you told me that as long as we had each other, we didn't need to be loved. People would try to come between us, and we would have to protect our relationship. Perfecting our ability to lie, cheat, rob, manipulate, assault, or attack anyone who might try to stop us, because they were only trying to hurt us, after all, nobody was to be trusted. You assured me that we were partners in crime, outsiders were not welcome, we were sick enough to kill if it came down to it, so the world should fear us, that we would someday be famous for the horrific things we did. 

Like a demon, you had a hold on my entire existence. You controlled my will, you molded me into want what you wanted, an empty shell. Perhaps if you were to successfully gain possession my soul, upon my demise, you would inhabit the vessel by which you shall carry out your evil plot to sneak into heaven. God had a different plan.

Whether I chose to admit it or not, He had been there all along. 

The miracle happened, and you were arrested. Like a criminal, your liberties were removed, every day you've gone before the parole board, every day you have remained under arrest.

Today I shall not feed you.

Today I shall not fear you.

Today I shall not aid you.

Today I shall be grateful, for it was you, my disease, which ultimately brought me closer to my Higher Power.

What is a Human Oxymoron?

If I were a living oxymoron, what would it be like?

I would be an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I would appear tough, strong, in control, calm, cool, and collected, but inside I'd be crippled with fear, doubt, and insecurity. I would find pleasure in pain. I would treat the loneliness of depression with isolation. I would keep people at arms length yet become saddened that no one ever gets close to me.  I would appear to be independent, yet be co-dependent to an extreme, only secure when taking care of someone else's troubles. I would want to be recognized, but not want to be watched. When I am right, all should take note, when I am wrong, all would take cover. I would hate my parents, yet desperately seek their approval. I'd be disgusted by the opposite sex, but yearning for that companionship. I would trust no one, but tell everyone everything about me. I would be Bi Polar, Bi Sexual, Ambidextrous, Passive Aggressive, Serene and Chaotic, Anti Social, overworked, underpaid, an Addict, a Gambler, a Compulsive Blogger. Any substance or action or lifestyle that could take the ME out of me, I would become addicted to, chasing all feelings of relief or pleasure as though it were a quest for the meaning of life.

Every single part of my life would be extreme in one way or another. Everything or nothing, perfection or immediate dismissal, I would be overqualified and still underachieve, my thermostat would be off or on high, the volume would be off or on max, I'd take hot showers, drink cold coffee, sleep during the day, stay up all night, read books and directions backwards, I would under-mind my GPS, make lists but don't use them, my best intentions would yield the worst results. I would detest rules, break laws, resist management, defy government, oppose religion, shun politics, and nix the like. I would challenge any so-called experts. I would adamantly refuse conform, as it would mean becoming a sheep or a slave to today's society and agendas.

If you are wired like me, you'll understand, and if you can admit to that much, you are honest enough to be my friend.