The War Between My Ears

Dear _______, 

Oh how you frustrate me so! 

You've never failed to be right here whenever I need to see you. I love you for that... But I hate you, I wish you weren't always here, I wish I didn't have to look at you everyday. I try to ignore you, I try to believe the lies I tell myself, I wish you would just go away. Go Away, Get out of my life, I'm so sick of you!

Wait, Come Back!

I'm desperately crying out to you in the night, I need you, where are you? I am imprisoned in my own mind, I have no one to set me free but you. I need the solution, I fail miserably without you! Where have you gone, why won't you tell me the answer? I know you are there, reveal yourself!!

Ouch!! Why do you have to sting me so hard? Why does your very existence hurt me so? Why is pain the only method you use to present yourself to me? Can't you be more kind and gentle with me?

What do you mean I am not kind and gentle to myself?

What do you mean I won't remember the lesson if I don't feel it?

I hate when you're right. Why do you always have to be right? When will I know what's best for me? When can I have a chance to prove I can do it myself? I don't need you! I'll show you. You'll see! 

How could you? I can't believe you abandoned me like that. I hate you. Step up and show yourself! You are such a... You are so... Grrrr. I can't even face you right now!

Can you figure out "who" I'm grappling with?

If I told you the "TRUTH" would you re-read my blog post?

AA is a group of sick people working to get well, we go to learn how to live a quality life without alcohol (and/or drugs). With the help of those who came before us, we watch the others, we take what we need and we leave the rest, we try to live a day at a time without hurting one another, and we work on our individual shortcomings rather than pointing out the shortcomings of others, these are all things that do not come easy for the alcoholic, which is why we keep coming, and in time, things get better. We learn about things like patience and tolerance, we hear and see slogans on banners that say things like, "Live and Let Live" and they suddenly start to mean something to us, we are able to reflect back upon our own behavior in early recovery, and we start to see how sick we truly were, and years later, if we keep doing the next right thing, we can still see how sick we continue to be, or still are! We learn how to be grateful that this is a journey not a destination, nothing is meant to be done perfectly. I have days where I want to jump out of my own skin rather than to listen to someone dumping their problems on the group, however, I also have days where my problems feel like the most catastrophic issues of the world and when I try to talk about them everything comes out like a manic cyclone of drama and emotion... I don't want to be viewed as the over dramatic psycho, but maybe that is my fear of people actually getting to know who I am inside, childish, grandiose, and insensitive...

I am NOT OK

I am not strong, so don't lean on me.

I am not smart, you don't want to hear what I think.

I am not sane, stay away! Why are you drawn to me?

Keeping up appearances is about the worst habit I could have picked up along the way. I have perfected the art of creating and presenting a false persona, one far different from what I am or how I feel under my skin. My insides do NOT match my outsides. Like an actor on a stage, I portray a likable and friendly, fun-loving, smart, strong, and well rounded individual. Internally I am antisocial, sad, angry, I spend a great deal of time in the clutches of an agonizing depression. It is like a bad neighborhood that you wouldn't want to be in alone. My gut tells me that these feelings have roots in living this lie which may not be unlike living a double life. A life and a lie which I don't believe I can continue to carry on. 

That is why I started this blog, and it is virtually unknown to people who think they really KNOW me. I want my fresh start on an empty canvas, a clean slate so to speak. I want to be me, without walls, with no aggressive defenses, and no bullshit. I want to make true friends based on who I am inside and that I am working to help myself heal from there, rather than continuously trying to put on a show. Such honesty would be sure to render me powerless over the cruel and calculated predator known as the human animal.

Trust does not come easy, as I feel as though I am vulnerable to exploitation if I am to allow an open view into who I really am. This may be why I am prone to abuse. I generally find the good in all people and become weakened as I listen to their sad, sorry, stories, I make convenient and well packaged excuses for everybody's shit-bag behavior. I put myself in danger by doing so and I continue to allow it and defend it and excuse it over and over and over until it hits a nerve. Then, being the extremist that I am, I turn to drop the motherfucker in the most vicious and dramatic reactionary style that any retaliatory attack could be. Unacceptable behavior needs to be nixed immediately, not tolerated until it reaches a breaking point.

Knowing this, one may presume, is instrumental in getting a handle on it... If only I knew how to view things for what they are as they are happening. I  sometimes feel that I am at an extreme just before I hit a wall and dramatically, I turn radically into the opposite extreme. So when dealing with people and the way I cling to the good and bypass the bad... In that exact moment of discovery, after extracting all possible inner goodness real or imaginary, the only alternative that my mind can see happens in the immediate and turns to complete suspicion and skepticism. Sniff out the conspiracy and go to any lengths to prove that there is one in play. 

I go through phases where I will pass this negative judgment upon any and all who I encounter. Therefor the slightest thing set's my neurosis of intolerance in motion. (As a post-conscious observation... especially relevant in the event of my own misunderstanding). If it defies logic, or neglects to make practical sense in my thought process, my tendency is to adamantly reject it, aborting all other protocols, casting it out as alien, and publicly voicing my displeasure. My sharp wit morphs to a razor tongue which aids in the personal dissection of  character. I'm on auto-pilot, spinning beyond my own control, while systematically, my cyclonic behavior constructs the soapbox that I stand upon while I emotionally execute my newly manufactured enemy.

What has seeded such extremes of passive and aggressive anger inside of me? Why do I continue to allow myself to become enraged when the slightest issue arises? Human beings aren't perfect, we ALL make mistakes, we ALL have issues around admitting we are making them, don't we? Why do I feel in the deepest point of my heart, that I have a purpose on this earth? When will it be revealed? Which way will I turn? Who am I supposed to help? I can't understand this fire and ice, bi-polar, good vs. evil, human oxymoron, love me or fucking kill me... chemical conundrum which drives me and tears me apart from the inside! 

Sometimes I think I can completely  accept all of this. In actuality, it is but a momentary thought that allows me to believe any of this it is within the limits of  my own comprehension. I am told to let it be as it is, but I cannot. At my core I'm a fixer, a problem solver, a puzzle finisher, and I won't stop until I've connected the dots. At this moment, I am in fear I may be losing my grip, I am shredded inside, the pain, it burns deep today, and I fear that I may be falling apart completely.