I am NOT OK

I am not strong, so don't lean on me.

I am not smart, you don't want to hear what I think.

I am not sane, stay away! Why are you drawn to me?

Keeping up appearances is about the worst habit I could have picked up along the way. I have perfected the art of creating and presenting a false persona, one far different from what I am or how I feel under my skin. My insides do NOT match my outsides. Like an actor on a stage, I portray a likable and friendly, fun-loving, smart, strong, and well rounded individual. Internally I am antisocial, sad, angry, I spend a great deal of time in the clutches of an agonizing depression. It is like a bad neighborhood that you wouldn't want to be in alone. My gut tells me that these feelings have roots in living this lie which may not be unlike living a double life. A life and a lie which I don't believe I can continue to carry on. 

That is why I started this blog, and it is virtually unknown to people who think they really KNOW me. I want my fresh start on an empty canvas, a clean slate so to speak. I want to be me, without walls, with no aggressive defenses, and no bullshit. I want to make true friends based on who I am inside and that I am working to help myself heal from there, rather than continuously trying to put on a show. Such honesty would be sure to render me powerless over the cruel and calculated predator known as the human animal.

Trust does not come easy, as I feel as though I am vulnerable to exploitation if I am to allow an open view into who I really am. This may be why I am prone to abuse. I generally find the good in all people and become weakened as I listen to their sad, sorry, stories, I make convenient and well packaged excuses for everybody's shit-bag behavior. I put myself in danger by doing so and I continue to allow it and defend it and excuse it over and over and over until it hits a nerve. Then, being the extremist that I am, I turn to drop the motherfucker in the most vicious and dramatic reactionary style that any retaliatory attack could be. Unacceptable behavior needs to be nixed immediately, not tolerated until it reaches a breaking point.

Knowing this, one may presume, is instrumental in getting a handle on it... If only I knew how to view things for what they are as they are happening. I  sometimes feel that I am at an extreme just before I hit a wall and dramatically, I turn radically into the opposite extreme. So when dealing with people and the way I cling to the good and bypass the bad... In that exact moment of discovery, after extracting all possible inner goodness real or imaginary, the only alternative that my mind can see happens in the immediate and turns to complete suspicion and skepticism. Sniff out the conspiracy and go to any lengths to prove that there is one in play. 

I go through phases where I will pass this negative judgment upon any and all who I encounter. Therefor the slightest thing set's my neurosis of intolerance in motion. (As a post-conscious observation... especially relevant in the event of my own misunderstanding). If it defies logic, or neglects to make practical sense in my thought process, my tendency is to adamantly reject it, aborting all other protocols, casting it out as alien, and publicly voicing my displeasure. My sharp wit morphs to a razor tongue which aids in the personal dissection of  character. I'm on auto-pilot, spinning beyond my own control, while systematically, my cyclonic behavior constructs the soapbox that I stand upon while I emotionally execute my newly manufactured enemy.

What has seeded such extremes of passive and aggressive anger inside of me? Why do I continue to allow myself to become enraged when the slightest issue arises? Human beings aren't perfect, we ALL make mistakes, we ALL have issues around admitting we are making them, don't we? Why do I feel in the deepest point of my heart, that I have a purpose on this earth? When will it be revealed? Which way will I turn? Who am I supposed to help? I can't understand this fire and ice, bi-polar, good vs. evil, human oxymoron, love me or fucking kill me... chemical conundrum which drives me and tears me apart from the inside! 

Sometimes I think I can completely  accept all of this. In actuality, it is but a momentary thought that allows me to believe any of this it is within the limits of  my own comprehension. I am told to let it be as it is, but I cannot. At my core I'm a fixer, a problem solver, a puzzle finisher, and I won't stop until I've connected the dots. At this moment, I am in fear I may be losing my grip, I am shredded inside, the pain, it burns deep today, and I fear that I may be falling apart completely.

At the Intersection of Perspective & Perception: Things Aren't Always Clear

What we see in our own eyes... 

We have little or no reason to doubt. There is no thought of placing question on the validity or our view. Barring of course, some neuro-scientific issue with regard to hallucinations.
We have all seen something or at the very least, thought that we did, it may have been off in the distance. We did not question it, as it appeared to fit the rest of the scene or simply make sense in the moment. Yet as we moved in closer our sights adjusted and we came to realize that it wasn't what we had thought it was at all. 

Do you ever wonder if these things are more than bad eyesight? Perhaps a warped insight? Is your twisted brain feeding your mind's eye? Is it possible for the objects themselves to morph as we get closer or farther away to or from them?

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it does it make a sound? Of course it does, if it makes a sound in front of me it will make a sound when I am not there. How ridiculous, or even arrogant a thought is it that a human needs to be around to witness an event in order to acknowledge that it ever happened? Yet that is our arrogant nature. We are so simple at times we don't consider any species but our own when we scratch our heads with such absurd wonder.

Perspective is our view, the actual angle or vantage point that we see things from. Perception is how our mind translates that view to us. Think about this concept and sight specific instances when you were seeing a far different picture than others or that the final outcome. Now how extreme was the case? For me, the differences between my perception and reality have been radically disconnected, dangerous at times, perhaps even deadly. I realized my mind was trying to kill me when I was about seven years old. I didn't know how to harness it, I didn't know how to protect myself from it. I've spent a lifetime learning, and today I've taught myself how to live with it. I've addressed the depths of my innermost wildly vivid, yet unorthodox imagination, I've pretty much come to embrace it. I am convinced that this is my mind, someday it may be what defines me, nonetheless, it will remain with me for the long haul.

Discovering that my perspective differs greatly from my perception, I have also found that I actually have a level of control within the situation. Not in changing it, but in changing how I see it. The more I know, the more likely I will make an informed decision in what I might do. So changing my stance or vantage point, is like adding perspectives. Looking at things more openly, widening my lens helps me to obtain a much more open perception. For me, a variety of angles are needed prior to coming up with a definitive solution to potential obstacles or issues which may present themselves along the way for me. In my experience, to effectively plan something can be very difficult. I am overwhelmed with the infinite combinations of variables. There is uncertainty and clarity needed, especially when there is someone else reliant upon my direction. I need to step back, climb higher, familiarize myself with the terrain, and remain agile in my mind and on my feet when these variables do arise to potentially push me off course. When any one of my five senses are incorporated with the perspectives that I allow, processing becomes easier. I feel more confident in my responses, reactions, and intuitively knowing my next steps. 

There were days when my decisions were made with reckless abandon. I placed no thought in long term effects or damage. Things were chaotic, but since I never faced anything, that was just fine with me. Throwing caution to the wind creates great anxiety to me today. I feel that learning how to recognize the difference between my perspective and perception, has helped me to explain why things are not always as they seem for me. I also believe that if I have something specific on my mind, whether it be consciously or subconsciously, the image created for my perception can often be a result of just that. I have a tendency to believe the lies that I tell myself. Therefor it is very important to check myself, my motivation, and my state of mind before believing what I think that I see. 

Should I someday decide to "let go" so that I may simply "accept" that life just "is what it is" and ignore my need to pursue other viewpoints, I wonder and worry about how dangerous things might actually become for me. I have this fear that if I submit I will die. I'm terrified of what the challenges my mind is presenting me. Perhaps one day I look out and believe that I see a long road ahead when in reality it's the edge of a high cliff that I am about to drive off of? 

An example of how my mind is playing tricks on me is illustrated here while I was walking to an important appointment at a local place that I'd never been to. I could see it up ahead, only about 1000 feet away. Although I could barely make out the dog sitting on the front porch, I was comforted in knowing they had a dog at this place. My vantage point was too far to see clearly enough to be able to recognize what breed the dog might be. As I got closer to it, I noticed it's behavior, it was not moving, the image still rather fuzzy. I suddenly felt somewhat puzzled and even a bit frightened. Immediately my thought process and inner dialogue goes to, "Why isn't this dog moving? Surely he can see me coming at this point, is he blind? But wait he would be able to hear me, unless he is deaf too. Wow, this old deaf blind dog sure sits pretty rigid at his age and deteriorated condition. Oh that's stupid, this dog is not deaf, blind, or old, he's studying my movements." 

I was increasingly frightened at this point because I was approaching a dog that wasn't barking or moving or wagging it's tail. "A dog that isn't moving must be ready to attack. This dog was getting ready to maul me". 

I wanted to whistle or call out to it, but was afraid that it would come running at me. As I continued to get closer, my other senses kicked in, I know what it's like to live with dogs, I did not smell dog shit, or notice anything in the area that reminded me of having dogs in the past. The lawn wasn't patchy or stained. I listened carefully, and thought to myself, "This dog is so still, it's not even growling". I stepped to the right about 8 or 10 feet and continued to watch the dog, his head did not turn I squinted and adjusted my glasses, but I was still too far to identify what this beast on the porch was up to. When it registered to my logical mind that which I had already identified... This dog did not follow me with it's head when I stepped off to the right. It was not even staring at me, I began to feel safer yet more confused, questioning whether I was even looking at a dog. Nothing was making sense anymore.

I brought myself forward, closer to the porch, the dog suddenly disappeared from my thoughts. Understanding my own mind, not unlike the Matrix... I realized that once my perception made no sense, my brain sent emergency calls to my other senses ordering a full investigation of the matter. Suddenly mind went blank. It was if my signals had gotten jammed and my mental website had crashed. Following a quick mental reboot, my brain had re-engaged as it was wired to. It was now impossible for my mind to be able to manufacture an image of a dog. I am close enough now, everything comes into focus at once, within an instant I could see clearly that it was not a dog at all I had been fixated on, but a potted plant. 

A sense of horror came over me, "What the hell is wrong with me? How could I believe that I see something so clearly yet so absolutely and radically far from reality?" Then the thought came to mind, "I love dogs, perhaps I was feeling apprehensive about going to this place upon arrival, and my mind's eye projected an image of a dog to lure me closer...? Regardless, of the why, I made it closer to the porch." I needed to rest and analyze the thousand foot journey. "Was it the angle I approached the situation from? Was it my eyesight? Could it just be the distance that I was originally viewing the plant from? Or had there actually been a dog on the front porch when I got there, that turned itself into a potted plant right before my eyes?" The truth is it doesn't matter at all. My brain and my mind joined forces and worked together when I needed it most. There is no reason for me not to trust my own mind, everything works properly, it's the thinking that is going to take me down!

Things in my mind no longer seem to make sense. Maybe we really ARE living in a virtual reality, maybe there is a Matrix, maybe I see only what my mind and my programming allow, and occasionally some free range thoughts creep in, perhaps they are fragments and remnants of that which was conducive to the survival of the previous inhabitants of this vessel? Could it be true? Am I exactly where I am supposed to be right here, right now, present in this very moment, right down to this very breath?

What is a Human Oxymoron?

If I were a living oxymoron, what would it be like?

I would be an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I would appear tough, strong, in control, calm, cool, and collected, but inside I'd be crippled with fear, doubt, and insecurity. I would find pleasure in pain. I would treat the loneliness of depression with isolation. I would keep people at arms length yet become saddened that no one ever gets close to me.  I would appear to be independent, yet be co-dependent to an extreme, only secure when taking care of someone else's troubles. I would want to be recognized, but not want to be watched. When I am right, all should take note, when I am wrong, all would take cover. I would hate my parents, yet desperately seek their approval. I'd be disgusted by the opposite sex, but yearning for that companionship. I would trust no one, but tell everyone everything about me. I would be Bi Polar, Bi Sexual, Ambidextrous, Passive Aggressive, Serene and Chaotic, Anti Social, overworked, underpaid, an Addict, a Gambler, a Compulsive Blogger. Any substance or action or lifestyle that could take the ME out of me, I would become addicted to, chasing all feelings of relief or pleasure as though it were a quest for the meaning of life.

Every single part of my life would be extreme in one way or another. Everything or nothing, perfection or immediate dismissal, I would be overqualified and still underachieve, my thermostat would be off or on high, the volume would be off or on max, I'd take hot showers, drink cold coffee, sleep during the day, stay up all night, read books and directions backwards, I would under-mind my GPS, make lists but don't use them, my best intentions would yield the worst results. I would detest rules, break laws, resist management, defy government, oppose religion, shun politics, and nix the like. I would challenge any so-called experts. I would adamantly refuse conform, as it would mean becoming a sheep or a slave to today's society and agendas.

If you are wired like me, you'll understand, and if you can admit to that much, you are honest enough to be my friend.