I Know You're Out There!

We all have good days and we all have bad days, we all do things that we wish we could do differently and we all have things we wish we could take back altogether. We all have personality quirks, and we all struggle with a certain level of insecurity. These things are a fact of life for any human being. 

Perhaps there is an abundance of things I would like to change about myself starting today. How to I know what things take priority? I feel like I need to understand things in order to put changes in place. I need to know a process before I can find more efficient ones, and the only way to know a process is to be a part of it. So if you hired me to help improve efficiency on your manufacturing floor, I would not be doing you any service to just tell you to speed up the line, if in fact there is are issues throughout the process. I am always looking for root causes...

As far as my shortcomings are concerned, there are some fundamental elements in my process which may have shaken loose and in some cases fallen completely out of the track. I need to get a handle on my temper, more so the fueled-by-stupidity tantrums that erupt, which in the most recent of days, spins off to pilot my already foul mouth and sharp tongue at an alarming real-time, instant. The cherry on top of this home-spun delight is my general disdain for authority. It is beginning to come clear now, that this is a caustic combination of traits when combined in a non-controlled environment. It appears that such an unstable mixture may become explosive in the least noticeable pressure change in ANY environment. So when one is subjected to corporate America, there is bound to be an explosion of mushroom cloud proportions.

As I understand it, stupidity and a lack of common sense is the root of my personality flaw. I can't eradicate all of the stupid people, I can't inject anyone with common sense. So what now? Kill myself?

No, that's too simple, and I can't possibly be the only one. In fact I know that I am not. Better yet, the only time in my existence that I feel as if I'm not alone, is when talking to one of these people, they are the only ones who GET ME, and they get me because they THINK like me. Most of the time, I feel like an alien in a strange world. I have become friendly with others like me. There are more of us out there, and the faster we can create unity, the better off we will all be... You don't have to be an addict, an alcoholic, a degenerate gambler, you simply have to identify with something that you've read in any one of my neurotic posts. 

The only requirement is to be a free thinking, open minded human being. You won't have to drink the Kool-Aid or wear a tin foil hat, your thoughts are welcome, come along for the wild roller coaster ride... 

I am NOT OK

I am not strong, so don't lean on me.

I am not smart, you don't want to hear what I think.

I am not sane, stay away! Why are you drawn to me?

Keeping up appearances is about the worst habit I could have picked up along the way. I have perfected the art of creating and presenting a false persona, one far different from what I am or how I feel under my skin. My insides do NOT match my outsides. Like an actor on a stage, I portray a likable and friendly, fun-loving, smart, strong, and well rounded individual. Internally I am antisocial, sad, angry, I spend a great deal of time in the clutches of an agonizing depression. It is like a bad neighborhood that you wouldn't want to be in alone. My gut tells me that these feelings have roots in living this lie which may not be unlike living a double life. A life and a lie which I don't believe I can continue to carry on. 

That is why I started this blog, and it is virtually unknown to people who think they really KNOW me. I want my fresh start on an empty canvas, a clean slate so to speak. I want to be me, without walls, with no aggressive defenses, and no bullshit. I want to make true friends based on who I am inside and that I am working to help myself heal from there, rather than continuously trying to put on a show. Such honesty would be sure to render me powerless over the cruel and calculated predator known as the human animal.

Trust does not come easy, as I feel as though I am vulnerable to exploitation if I am to allow an open view into who I really am. This may be why I am prone to abuse. I generally find the good in all people and become weakened as I listen to their sad, sorry, stories, I make convenient and well packaged excuses for everybody's shit-bag behavior. I put myself in danger by doing so and I continue to allow it and defend it and excuse it over and over and over until it hits a nerve. Then, being the extremist that I am, I turn to drop the motherfucker in the most vicious and dramatic reactionary style that any retaliatory attack could be. Unacceptable behavior needs to be nixed immediately, not tolerated until it reaches a breaking point.

Knowing this, one may presume, is instrumental in getting a handle on it... If only I knew how to view things for what they are as they are happening. I  sometimes feel that I am at an extreme just before I hit a wall and dramatically, I turn radically into the opposite extreme. So when dealing with people and the way I cling to the good and bypass the bad... In that exact moment of discovery, after extracting all possible inner goodness real or imaginary, the only alternative that my mind can see happens in the immediate and turns to complete suspicion and skepticism. Sniff out the conspiracy and go to any lengths to prove that there is one in play. 

I go through phases where I will pass this negative judgment upon any and all who I encounter. Therefor the slightest thing set's my neurosis of intolerance in motion. (As a post-conscious observation... especially relevant in the event of my own misunderstanding). If it defies logic, or neglects to make practical sense in my thought process, my tendency is to adamantly reject it, aborting all other protocols, casting it out as alien, and publicly voicing my displeasure. My sharp wit morphs to a razor tongue which aids in the personal dissection of  character. I'm on auto-pilot, spinning beyond my own control, while systematically, my cyclonic behavior constructs the soapbox that I stand upon while I emotionally execute my newly manufactured enemy.

What has seeded such extremes of passive and aggressive anger inside of me? Why do I continue to allow myself to become enraged when the slightest issue arises? Human beings aren't perfect, we ALL make mistakes, we ALL have issues around admitting we are making them, don't we? Why do I feel in the deepest point of my heart, that I have a purpose on this earth? When will it be revealed? Which way will I turn? Who am I supposed to help? I can't understand this fire and ice, bi-polar, good vs. evil, human oxymoron, love me or fucking kill me... chemical conundrum which drives me and tears me apart from the inside! 

Sometimes I think I can completely  accept all of this. In actuality, it is but a momentary thought that allows me to believe any of this it is within the limits of  my own comprehension. I am told to let it be as it is, but I cannot. At my core I'm a fixer, a problem solver, a puzzle finisher, and I won't stop until I've connected the dots. At this moment, I am in fear I may be losing my grip, I am shredded inside, the pain, it burns deep today, and I fear that I may be falling apart completely.

Mommy and Daddy Issues... Ya Think?

Inside my mind is a bad neighborhood... I really shouldn't be here alone!"

When I am all alone with myself, the quiet is too much to bear. I am physically paralyzed by emotional pain...To own my part seems foolish, as I did not ask for this life and the fucked up childhood which I did not have a choice in living. Apologizes don't remove scars. Living amends work well for me and those I hurt who are interested in actually being connected to my life somehow. My mother hasn't ever been interested in me, what I wanted to be, or what I strive to do. She rejects me, refuses to see me, and when I show up, never misses an opportunity to point out just what kind of piece of shit I am, or how my status in scumbag-ville has so appropriately manifested in my child, who is nearly an adult, and a very positive specimen at that. 

After 17 years of chaos, filled with calculated emotional and physical abuse, my ex-military one time psychologist father, removed himself from my life, and has made very seldom a cameo appearance since. The only contact I have had with him in the past 22 years, I have initiated. Only one conversation has ended with a positive feeling, it was the most recent, and the odds of it happening again are so slim, it may very well have been our last one ever.

Repeatedly, I have tried to be a part of my family. Like touching a hot stove, burned my hand, and beat myself up about it. Time went by, I thought I was to blame and that it was going to be different, because of the work I have done on myself, I gave it another shot, and OUCH! That fucking stove STILL burns, go figure. Most recently, I have made a conscious decision to make no effort toward first contact with either of them, and of course there has been no attempt from either side to have any contact with me. I say that I do not hold any ill will or resentment... This is true as long as I am busy, working, going to the gym, attending meetings, out with friends, listening to loud music, spending time with my daughter, but the pain is there behind all of these band aids that I use to masque it.

The cut is too big for band aids now. It's torn up and the surface isn't sturdy enough for stitches. My hurt feelings and sadness used to only worsen during times when society calls for togetherness of "family", and holiday cheer. The word FAMILY is a hot button, which sends me off the deep end at times. It's safe to say that the pain is now constant and debilitating. I believe it is cutting off my circulation, I cannot breathe, it's stunting my growth. I can't act out in my old childish ways, as I would be incarcerated or hospitalized indefinitely. Medication is not an option for me, as I don't believe chemicals are an appropriate treatment of the root issue, but the outer symptoms... let's start with one chemical then add another, then add one more, then something for the side effects of the first, now the second and so on... defying all logic.

SO I write...

To both of you:

My poor choices were made after yours, yet mine have always been the ones criticized. What did we do about our precious child trying to slit her own throat at age 7? I know what we did, we suppressed it, after all what would the neighbors think? I have come to accept that once things happen in life, they cannot UN-happen. In my quest for validation, love, affection, nurturing, and emotional stability; I've sought temporary relief in sex, older men, older women, crime, drugs, and when I still wasn't satisfied, dominance, power, and violence. My relationships have been no healthier than the one that brought me into this world, and I recognize today that nothing else in my life can improve until I have successfully released this pain from my heart.

To my mother:

Keeping up appearances was your facade manufactured to keep people from getting close enough to see the sickness inside of you. In a sense I was raised in a lie and forced to lie. Feelings, affection, comfort, were dismissed, discounted, and disallowed. Love and respect were purchased. Trust was a foreign commodity, traded for leverage on the most believable fable. You are cold and calculated, and as you have aged, it has become more clear. When I was a child there was one parent that saw through you, as a teen, a second parent and a third, as an adult I notice that your friends have disappeared, you have just one left, and she will inevitably see through your veil of deceit. You had them all snowed for so long, as if you were some sort of "Mother Theresa", high regarded in your clique of church folk who had no reason to suspect that any kind of evil would lurk in their sacred house of worship. 

You are 71 years old, headed in the direction of dying alone, and I don't feel bad, not one iota. Fuck you, for continuing to treat me like I am lower than buried dog shit. I've fantasized about hanging myself at (Your Church)'s altar with a giant sign that reads simply, "(Your Name)'s Daughter", if only the video that plays in my head playing all the fucked up things you say and do could project out to ensure that you wouldn't be seen as a martyr. When I needed a mother, you needed to perform for your audience. The older I got the less fun it was, the promises of fame and fortune were as empty as my soul was becoming. I knew nothing of life, of being a woman, of sex, of my body. I sought your approval through all means possible. The more desperate I became, the less you had to do with me. You have been ashamed of my existence since I was able to form a thought that was different from yours. 

To this day you are uncomfortable when I begin to speak in your presence. If you admitted that you've ever had ANY single human struggle whatsoever, I would recoil from such an emotionally angry, and aggressive posture and I would embrace you in MY arms, as you are my mom and I am biologically wired to love you. Even though you have consistently used my need for your love as a way to crush my exposed, unguarded, heart. When I had cancer, you wouldn't even drive me to my surgery, I was in prison, you wouldn't take my calls, rehab, still nothing. Again, fuck you, you sick fucking depraved sociopath. If I outlive you, I will drop trow and shit on your headstone!

To my father:

My role in your family remains undefined, says the grown up forgotten child.

When I needed a Daddy, you needed to chase pussy. You finally divorced from my mother after dragging me around from situation to situation cheating on her for 18 years. Promising me a happy life and a loving family. You never bothered to look at the lifetime of destruction you left in your wake. Your abusive and explosive temper left it's devastation in the form of physical and emotional scars, your cruel and horrific words cut far deeper than that. I was selfish and self centered at 6? Really? You bastard, you knowingly placed blame on me and robbed me of my childhood by insisting that I grow up and accept the fact that I was never going to amount to anything. I sat at your bedside while you threatened to blow your brains out, I cried myself to sleep at night afraid that you actually would. You turned me against my mother who was equally crazy, insured me that you were going to take me somewhere that life would be better for both of us. At 7, you fucking abandoned me with family I never knew and haven't seen since. Then at 17 you fucking bailed on me completely. You left me behind. I was very sick, having surgery in the hospital when you packed all of your shit and the day I got out, you left. You fucking COWARD. 9 months without a call, no forwarding address, not a birthday or a Christmas card. 20 years later, and you've contacted me ONE TIME. Let's not forget about the 17 years of abuse, the holes in my bedroom walls and the scars on my face. Don't worry, the school nurse knows I just fell, but Daddy, why are you mad at me? You never came to see me in jail, rehab, or any hospital, you never took my calls begging for your help. You have never visited, you have never invited me to spend time with you. You and your ex wife both act like once the magic number 18 is achieved, your child is no longer existent. Fuck you. 

Not only did you make a million promises you did not keep, you left me DAD, you walked out the door and found yourself a pre-fab-family, then you forgot all about me and made them your 2nd chance! Those kids grew up loving the fact that they have 2 fathers, and now an extra grandfather to their kids. Do you ever wonder how your biological daughter feels about not having a father at all, or your biological grand daughter wondering why she has a grandfather, but he never talks to her or sees her or sends her cards on her birthday? FUCK YOU. I often wonder how my life would have been had you died from taking my penicillin instead of your percocet on the plane that day... what a convenient oversight it was for you to be having an allergic reaction in the hospital while I was running the streets of Oakland at 15. I've always had a knack for finding ways to have my kinda fun.

I made my amends and you claimed that you too had made some changes and found your own program and way of life, funny how nothing has changed for you and I, but what a great man you are today. When holidays come, use your fucking head... I don't want your fucking photographs of your family and your happy life. I don't want to hear about the wonderful family vacations you've taken with my grandmother, aunts, uncles, or cousins. I don't want to know about how much better a Dadda you are to someone else's kids, or "grand kids"... You have ONE grand daughter, you piece of shit, you didn't even bother to acknowledge her when planning for your mother's 80th birthday celebration. YOU sure as fuck don't want to hear how I struggle every day of my life with the strength to not put a bullet in my own fucking head. Yeah Daddy, just like you did when I was a little girl, I sit in the dark on the edge of my bed contemplating suicide. Thanks for the inheritance, shove it up your fucking ass. I should blow my brains out all over your dining room during your beautiful loving family's Christmas dinner!

Not Separate, Not Unequal: Human Beings in Need of Kindness and Understanding

There is no great mystery or secret behind a woman's desire for being cherished. Men equally have a need to feel admired. Women who feel cherished are more likely to be content to stay in a relationship. Yet for some reason, modern society has formed women who are put off by notion of showing admiration to a man. His sustained attraction is often fueled by whether he feels admired by her. Men, like women, often lose interest when they sense that they don't have the admiration of their cherished partner.

Women have a high regard for a faithful man. Both sexually faithful and standing behind her while she makes strides on improving her life. Similarly, men place high value on loyalty. He needs to know that you are in his corner, when life's situations become difficult, he needs the kind of woman who has his back. There is not a man or woman on earth who will forget those hardships that they had to overcome alone or without the loyal partner they needed.

Some men subscribe to the idea that certain women are to be viewed maternally and certain women are viewed sexually. They have a very difficult time reconciling the two. That is honestly no different from women who naturally find themselves attracted to men with qualities mirrored to their own fathers. 

With that said, I believe that there is a balance. One which is crucial all who have a tendency toward codependency. Being in someone's corner does not mean parenting them. Being faithful doesn't mean abandoning your professional life, friends, or hobbies. Having someone's back does not mean doing their work. Admiring or cherishing a person does not mean obsessing or becoming addicted to them, nor does it mean accepting unacceptable behavior and making excuses for anyone who treats you poorly. Fundamentally we are not entirely different, fears arise in both sexes, we both have emotional needs and insecurities. 

Our society has driven a wedge between its' people... Separating us by sex, race, religion, nationality, neighborhood, tax bracket, personal preferences, Pepsi vs. Coke, etc... Dictating to us what's natural and not natural for us to be feeling, discussing, or pursuing. It's not hard to see that we are all alike in many, many ways. 

Imagine the worldly problems we could solve if we all focus in and worked together? 

Open your eyes, wake up people, don't believe the lies.

Friends with Benefits?

Can we really have this sort of relationship, and not have feelings for one another?

I don't think so, personally. 

Human beings are full of fear, doubt, and insecurity.

Someone almost always inevitably gets hurt. 

Most women and many men just don't have the ability to fuck without feelings.

Let's say we can't have what we want with who we want, but we can have a small piece of it.

Do we settle for less and take it? Almost always we do and we ride the bus til the wheels fall off. 

Believe me, they DO fall off and the odds are stacked way against us. 

If we are our first choice's second choice we are doomed from the start.

Now let's say you meet someone, you become friends, agree that no relationship is to be established but sex is alright. You are free to see other people...

It's a short matter of time before jealousy, anger, insecurity enter the situation.

A dating scenario breaks off and the sex remains, this almost always leads to some sort of drama.

A situation agreed upon by consenting adults as being solely for friendship and sex, still becomes a matter where at least one participant develops feelings for the other and the hurt feelings begin.

Imagine a basic outline of your needs from a FWB.

Now imagine their outline of needs from you. 

In a perfect world when layered over light, the two images align on several key points if not all and you both live happily ever after. There is no need to be friends with benefits, after all, as the perfect couple has emerged.

Life isn't perfect, and we seem to want insurance, a feeling of security in the form of guarantees that don't exist.

Friends with Benefits is a fear-based appeal for those who aren't ready to let go of one piece of their life to pursue a new or unknown one. 

Into Pain

Why is it that no matter how much time passes, and no matter how much better your life can get, there's always that one, the one you lost, no matter what the reason, all be it unexpectedly, with no closure, you could harbor years of anger and even hate to help you feel less jilted or hurt... Suddenly just when the pain is nearly forgotten, life is on track, you are succeeding in your field, your lives paths have once again crossed... POW, like lightning, you are jolted off course and thrown for a loop......? WHY? 

Why do we always try to test fate, try to figure out the purpose for everything, as if we can crack some secret code to life? Trying to answer for the "what if's" and the "why's" Why do we think everything happens for a reason? Is that a sign of hope or faith? What if it is? How do we know when it's FALSE hope? What if it's not and we are just fucking things up? With so many choices, how do we know where to rest our faith? If everything is just a test, when do we start living and actually enjoying life? Where is the balance between good and evil, and why am I always spinning and teetering on what I can only presume is the narrowest thread of the grey area? 

Do I instinctively like pain? Do certain people just have a certain magnetism for each other? Is there really a higher power controlling all this shit? I know if I had some little civilization that I could control and arrange, my sick mind would rule, I would be fucking with people constantly! 

I believe I just answered all of my own questions... Now, since I going to constantly be tested like this, should I finally abandon all the "sick", sadistic thoughts in my head, surrender, conform, and just follow the rest of the herd?? I guess it's my destiny to be frustrated and laugh in the face of all of it, as I will NEVER be a sheep.