Conforming to what I see everyday as society's acceptable way of life is the most depraved act that I can comprehend for myself at this moment. I am more likely to take my own life, as the I cannot seem to comprehend the way we've come to dismiss human decency, being considerate of others, doing the right thing, committing acts of kindness, having humility, and a living by a some sort of moral code.
I was taught very young to treat people the way I would like them to treat me. In summer camp, in preschool, this was referred to as "the Golden Rule", I took it literally, and I've always tried to keep it at the front of my thought process when dealing with people. I am not a true threat to others, as being homicidal would mean that I wish to hurt another human being, and I am not generally seeking relief from my own pain through the suffering of another person. When another person wrongs me, I most often blame myself. Of course, there are times when the harm they caused was in fact, cold and calculated, when it was blatant and malicious. In these cases I am usually out for blood, I can visualize myself doing horrific things to them. I suppose there could be a "perfect storm" scenario where every element was just so, I could snap and commit murder, however what usually winds up happening is that the reality in knowing that carrying out the act would affect innocent people connected to my victim, saddens me deeply and the rage turns inward... and again, it's me that deserves to hurt. I deserve to suffer, I am not worthy of anything better, and because of this I can't go on.
Suicide is ALWAYS in my mind. However, the way I see it, is final. This means "lights out", one last time around with the same old repetitive bullshit, and game over.
I was shocked by a mental health "professional" who stated that I could not be truly suicidal. This absurd statement was backed by my lack of a very specific fantasy surrounding the details of my death (method) AND the logistics of my funeral, who would be there, what they might say or think, or how sorry they would be. I don't care about how I do it, when the time comes and I know I am ready, if I'm driving I will drive into a tree, if I'm walking I might hurl myself over an overpass, or off a cliff, or off a roof, or into a train, I could slice my own throat, or get a gun, or OD on drugs, I really am not concerned with the HOW, so much as the getting to the fastest, most efficient means to an END.
There are no details after the lights go out. I have to wonder why anyone who was TRULY wanting to end their own life would bother to fantasize about what happens after they are dead. Are they doing it to spite or hurt someone else? Are they trying to prove a point? That seems more insane in my mind than the person who just simply wants to get off the fucking ride, and get away from this rigged carnival game once and for all.
My childhood isn't the issue, it was the same old sordid tale of deception we all bring to the table, nothing better or worse than any other person who comes to a therapist at 40 years old. There was no memorable, traumatic, or catastrophic event to mark my discovery of the truth when I was 7. Yet this was the very moment where the first pin was inserted, all faith was lost, the fuse had been lit and set of the rapid spiral of anger, self injurious behavior, depression, rage, impending doom, night terrors, bed wetting, self loathing, cutting, attempting suicide, overeating, sneaking out, running away, dishonesty, profanity, promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, crime, violence, disrespect for authority, and overall distrust in man. Nothing more than your run of the mill, textbook example of Borderline Personality Disorder.
My adult life is a whirlwind of emotional peaks and valleys, my childhood and reckless teen years brought to light a court ordered diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. It was not until my 30's that I would find this diagnosis to be so undeniably accurate, yet I defy doctors who insist upon medicating me with modern methods. There is no way in hell that I will allow even the smallest dose of chemical pharmacology into my life ever again.
When on those medications I had no desire, no creativity, no imagination, no ambition, no drive, no motivation, no will to succeed or to improve on anything, no self worth, no sense of individuality. I could not draw, and I used to draw very well. I almost never had any desire to write, and when i did, there was no feeling in what I wrote. Since I was able to hold a crayon or pencil, drawing and writing have gone hand in hand as the most important things in the world to me.
I was also physically unhealthy with numerous side effects from medications. The worse would affect my renal and cardiovascular health. Other drugs would impact my joints and my muscles. To top off the effects of these medicines that were supposed to "help level out my moods" would be a devastating unhappiness, not a depression per se, instead I described it as more of a feeling of involuntary isolation. Being trapped or suffocated inside of a bubble of synthetic material, like my brain chemistry and nervous system had been taken hostage and had been suspended in mid-air, in the warehouse of some aftermarket manufacturer's lab, a stagnant, purgatorial state of chemical neutrality.
All of this was supposed to "help me cope" with life, yet I had no feeling, I could not feel my feelings at all, I wasn't able to become aroused, or enlightened. Perhaps to my benefit, I was never angry... Nor could I feel excitement, I was internally irritated but couldn't feel enough externally to do anything to alleviate it, I was unable to cry or to even produce tears. This was not LIVING, it was less than even merely EXISTING in anyway that I would deem acceptable for myself.
My goal was to LIVE among the rest of society accepting things as they are, embracing what I have, who I am, how I am wired, without having to absorb such an extreme impact when those very specific times when my stressors, or triggers, or behaviors, seemed to flip that switch inside of me. I needed alternative ways to LEARN so that I could ADJUST my behaviors and reactions, I did NOT need brain altering chemicals.
I seem to do well for shorter periods of time when I am single, much longer periods when I am in a relationship and have another human being to be considerate of. I don't know if I am lying to myself when I say it's not about a driven desire or need to take care of or manage another person's needs. Could I be the poster child or the epitome of codependency? Or is it possible that I'm merely sadistic and prove more productive when in a position of power over others, and in turn need to have a hostage?!
From a deeper level that feels more raw and honest to me, I feel that this trend centers mostly around my need to have a defined role in life and in the life of someone else. My desire to fulfill that role the way that I've envisioned it's, "supposed to be" with all of the kindness and honesty and respect I've never been given but always wanted in return. *The Golden Rule*
However, as things don't run smoothly as I see them in the movie playing in the back of my mind, when I cannot force them to work MY WAY... I've taken inventory while reviewing my past and I will agree definitively that I do tend to exhibit those nasty passive aggressive traits of a sociopath.
It seems that because I draw from a variety of past experience in efforts to make informed and intelligent decisions, that I don't believe anything I am told by anyone. It has become part of my nature to investigate everything and everyone sometimes to degrees far beyond necessary. If I do not find data contrary to their claims, but I'm still not comfortable allowing them "in", I will remain "on the fence" and be "guarded" throughout the early weeks or months of a new relationship. I really stay this way for a long time, I don't ever "feel" assured, I certainly don't know when or how or who to put trust my trust in. So I have begun to lie to myself and to those who love me. I paint a picture of romance and chivalry, kindness, courtesy, and eventually I believe these lies, not entirely, but enough to carry on the facade of a "healthy relationship". It's not easy to distinguish the red flags of instinct from the flashbacks of "last time" when faced with the idea of letting my guard down.
Although I knew deep inside that I had been embellishing my association with a less than mediocre acquaintance, I used to use a myriad of impulsive behaviors to my benefit when self soothing the hurt. I'm sure that I did indeed set myself up for a great deal of the pain, as I can see that I have again lied to myself in my own voice. I will pretend to believe these lies that I tell myself until they just don't work anymore. I've placed no value on family, I've forever felt doomed as the byproduct of 2 crazy parents and am overwrought with the most inconceivable guilt for the contribution that I've tossed onto the heap myself, my own child. What's MY fault and what's theirs and what's static and can never be improved upon? What's hereditary and what's behavioral? What CAN I make a difference in and what is out of my control? What's instinctive or primal and what's learned or taught?
I am very factual, literal, and logical, I learn things best when introduced methodologically and scientifically. Information comes to me through a perpetual flow of observational data collected by my receivers: eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and skin, combined with mental note-taking or eidetic snap shots. Based on what I know to be true, I am able to form a baseline. Further results from other areas are subject to reflective analysis and added to the baseline, and my list of facts. My evaluation of data gathered through other trial & error processes allows me to deduct and give reason to believe what I have found.
Science shows us that these methods are appropriate. Yet I find myself surrounded by the nonchalant who see no issue with wasting time, burning out resources, and fail to recognize the value of this seemingly endless supply of uncollected data. I find most people are of this lackadaisical mindset, and with that, the most recent approach to learning about ways to better our lives and the best practices we use seems to be, "Just throw it all against the wall and see what sticks".
As stated before, my mind works in a very literal sense. I mean exactly what I say, and I use a very clear and articulate method of delivering the message I desire to get across. Yet I am nearly always misunderstood. I am mind-blown by what seems to be an increase in stupidity all around me. Maybe it's not even stupidity, or certainly not from a an IQ perspective, perhaps it is deliberate, or worse even, an actual epidemic to settle for less.
The lack of work ethic and follow through in our own lives, in our careers, lazy parenting, accepting behavior that traditionally would be considered otherwise unacceptable. These seem to be the new "standard". I'm criticized for my need to exceed these standards, and raise the bar. I am encouraged to sit back and not do so much. This is a lifestyle to which I am unable to conform. I can't gauge what is right and wrong anymore, I do what I feel is right, yet I am robbed by the person who chooses not to and I have not a leg to stand on when fighting to get back what was taken from me. I lose the fight because the thief was versed in exploiting whatever loopholes there were in the law as it has been written. I don't wish to know all of the loopholes, or even all of the laws. Where I come from we didn't have to, we were driven by a sort of moral code, written or unwritten, it was all based on my early programming with the this all important, "Golden Rule".
Since it's the only baseline for everything I've ever known. Feeling as if my brain is clogged with convoluted bullshit, distrust in others, and smoke from the last flicker of hope for humanity blowing out on me. I just want it all to stop, I want for it to end forever. I do not wish to continue in a world so cold and dishonest and shallow and selfish anymore. Purposeful ignorance (we don't talk about the big elephant in the room) is all too common beginning at home and now it is evident in the workplace. People are either emotionally defeated or so lazy that they don't seem to care about delivering their best anymore, it is no longer a requirement. There is no real need to follow directions, rules, orders, or protocol in everyday life:
>Customer Service is deplorable at almost every level in for every consumer. The goal is not to help the customer anymore, it's how fast you can get rid of them. So if the customer is still having a problem, tell them you are going to transfer them to a manager and just hang up on them, let the clock start for someone else when they call back in.
>It's nearly impossible to get a simple cup of coffee made to order without a noticeable error. Even with computerized coffee machines and measuring systems at businesses that serve nothing but coffee!
>Doctors have no time for patients and lack a bedside manner altogether. They are paid to write prescriptions and push you out the door as fast as they can.
>Construction lacks craftsmanship. Craftsmanship costs too much time and cuts profits.
>Religion lacks sanctuary. Scandal in the name of the very God they're devoted to. Nothing is sacred.
>Everything is disposable. It's cheaper to buy new than fix what we've got. Even though "new" means lower quality.
>Personal Integrity has taken a back seat to social status. May the best liar win.
>Expressing feelings is no longer a sign of weakness, but a lack of boundaries.
>Political correctness is to align society and label those who spoke up, only to be cast out, labeled, and medicated.
>Children are empowered negotiate their demands with parents. This should prove interesting in the future!
I feel like I woke up one day in a parallel universe. Where everyone lives life accepting mediocrity under the, "Fuck It" philosophy, also known as "good enough", "average is still passing", "an ugly win is still a win".
Have we been hypnotized as a society? Baited and switched with gadgetry and awed by technology? Distracted like children with video games and lollipops? Did "they" dumb us down? Who are "they" anyway? The government? China? Aliens?
How come I didn't get entranced like the others? Do I even have a purpose in life? Should I be doing something more advanced or complex? Have I wasted so much time on the things that didn't matter, that I am now stuck in this gloomy grey area? Is this the matrix? Was I supposed to take the red pill or drink some fucking Kool-Aid? Is any of this shit really happening? Is this some experiment or lesson in quantum theory or virtual reality? Am I really thinking freely or is this someone else's idea and I am merely their puppet or a character in a larger computer life simulation game? Is my need to understand ultimately what's killing me? Is my drive to correct my mistakes feeding my frustration? I thought this was the right thing to do! Should I already know all of this stuff? Is it too late for me to grasp it? When will the lambs stop screaming?
