I wear misery like a jacket these days, it is not a good look on me. I am emotionally exhausted, taking it out on people who can think nothing of me besides the fact that I am a fucking lunatic. This dull mood wears me down and I can feel it eating away at my soul.
Do I let go? Fuck no, the depression is familiar, it's my security blanket, and the "chase" is what I know. I'd say I'm good at it, but that's bullshit. Chasing what? A fairy tale? I'm infatuated with something I never even believed in. I'm hooked on a feeling (hahaha I never thought I would hear myself use that phrase).
My mind seems to enjoy manufacturing a romantic story line to convince me that all of this shit is real. I must be nuts. I can see the ways that I sabotage my life. Even just by saying this love thing doesn't exist, while grasping desperately onto an unknowing warrior, and slapping a label on "us" so that I can appear to be "normal".
When my hostage turns out to be as emotionally unavailable as I truly am, the drama of the situation rises up and my poor little heart is broken again, and again, what do you know... Oh, but now I can say I was right, and my theory appears to be true, there's no such thing as love. At the same time that I cling to the idea of Prince Charming riding in on his white horse and carry me off to happily ever after, I know in my mind, that I'm fucked in the head and that what I envision DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST. My twisted mind will make a prince out of anyone, and like a moth to a flame, I'm on the chase again. Crazy Bitch.
