The War Between My Ears

Dear _______, 

Oh how you frustrate me so! 

You've never failed to be right here whenever I need to see you. I love you for that... But I hate you, I wish you weren't always here, I wish I didn't have to look at you everyday. I try to ignore you, I try to believe the lies I tell myself, I wish you would just go away. Go Away, Get out of my life, I'm so sick of you!

Wait, Come Back!

I'm desperately crying out to you in the night, I need you, where are you? I am imprisoned in my own mind, I have no one to set me free but you. I need the solution, I fail miserably without you! Where have you gone, why won't you tell me the answer? I know you are there, reveal yourself!!

Ouch!! Why do you have to sting me so hard? Why does your very existence hurt me so? Why is pain the only method you use to present yourself to me? Can't you be more kind and gentle with me?

What do you mean I am not kind and gentle to myself?

What do you mean I won't remember the lesson if I don't feel it?

I hate when you're right. Why do you always have to be right? When will I know what's best for me? When can I have a chance to prove I can do it myself? I don't need you! I'll show you. You'll see! 

How could you? I can't believe you abandoned me like that. I hate you. Step up and show yourself! You are such a... You are so... Grrrr. I can't even face you right now!

Can you figure out "who" I'm grappling with?

If I told you the "TRUTH" would you re-read my blog post?

IN BOLD PRINT: My DISCLAIMER

I feel compelled to put out a disclaimer... There are some newbies to my world that may appreciate this, and some oldies who might want a refresher, so here goes.

I've been through my share of shit, and there will be more as sure as the sun rises and sets. The only people in my life who ever did me any good were the ones who had the balls to stand up to me and tell me when I was off the mark.

So if you're going through shit, and your behavior is causing you more harm than good, I'm gonna call you on it whether you want to hear it or not, whether you ask me or not. Here's why... Because I care? Yes, that's one reason... Bigger than that, it's because I expect the same from you in return when you see me acting a fool. If you can't stand up to me, you're afraid of me, and if you're afraid of me, you're not a true friend to me. I don't want someone to kiss my ass and tell me I'm right when I'm blatantly wrong... That's not a friend.

We can't see the apple on top of our own heads, it's nice when someone holds our hand and helps us out of harms way. It makes us want to help another person when we see it happening to them later on, perhaps our own children. It's inevitable, we ALL fuck up. We need each other to get through the hard shit sometimes, no matter how much pride we have, no matter how hell bent we are to do it ourselves.

So if I offer up some sort of perspective, know that it's not advice, it's not an attack, it's not criticism, it's an alternative viewpoint. That's all. Take it, leave it, chew on it, or fuck it. I wouldn't listen if I didn't care and if you expect me to listen, know I'm going to share my thoughts. Know that my thoughts aren't EVER going to kiss your ass or stroke your ego. Know that my thoughts arise from my own experience and the pain that I had to endure to get where I am today. Know that if you hold the title of my friend, I love you enough to be real with you.