Loving, Living, Letting Go

I have been in love ONE TIME, with ONE MAN. Yet we were never together.
I wanted to be in the presence of this man since as far back as I can remember knowing him.
He was as individual as I ever thought I was at that time. Mysterious in ways that intrigued me.
I wanted desperately for him to talk to me, eventually he did and we became the closest of friends.
I never had the nerve to say what I was feeling, yet I was content in being there in whatever it was.
I felt SAFE in his arms, (no one had I TRUSTED before). I chased these feelings like a drug for 25 years.
I loved this man and wanted him to love me back. I couldn't speak of it, I was terrified, I couldn't face rejection, and I was sure he had better prospects. I remained paralyzed in that fear for a lifetime.
I settled for less, repeatedly.  No man was ever as kind, as gentle, as honest, as real, as intelligent, or as responsible as he was.
Today he is sick, suffering from the depression, anger, and antisocial issues that this disease provides.
I see him and my heart hurts, it angers me to see THE man who ALWAYS helped me make the right decisions, not be available to himself for the same advice. I want to SAVE him, I want to FIX him. I want to cry out to him, tell him I love him, and give him a reason to want to get better.
He was my first love, he was my best friend, and I felt that he was my soul mate. His soul is like a message in a bottle, floating in a sea of alcohol and barely a fleeting thought to him right now. I loved this man with the patience and conviction that a wife would have had.
Today I can see that we did share something special, I did fit in with him, we were two cut from the same cloth, birds of a feather, two sickies that would have never made a wellie.
Today, my love for him is the love that I have of a sick and suffering alcoholic. I will never forget how much he means to me and I will pray to God that he finds his way to recovery.