Over Thinking Hurts my Soul

My heart hurts. My head hurts. My soul feels sick.


I do on to others as I would have others do on to me. Yet I get taken advantage of and used, taken for granted and abused. Is the solution that I must learn to discriminate as not all "others" are worthy of my doing?


I practice simple principles of kindness. If I place no expectation on any person, then I must not believe, or trust that any person is one of their word. I find myself conflicted between the concepts of belief, faith, trust, and expectation.


If I tell you that I am going to help you tomorrow at 6, you can rest assured knowing that I will show up and keep my word, and if there is an unseen circumstance, I will call and let you know. You can have the expectation that I will do as I say. In other words, you can trust me in the fact that I will show up or do the next right thing.


I have been burned so many times, I do not have that faith, trust, or belief that anyone else can be held to their word.


Everyone talks a good game, but very few people walk their talk.


Today, I need to find a defense against believing that you feel the way I feel. I am also supposed to realize that I am not unique. I am supposed to be accepting of the fact that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, that what is happening is not a moral issue, and that I am not being punished for some wrongdoings of my past. I am supposed to unlearn everything I thought I knew about me, about life, about living. I am discouraged, I am hurt, I am emotionally exhausted. I am not wanting to over think, to mentally masturbate, or to mindfuck myself here. I am overwhelmed, as I truly do not understand, I truly cannot grasp these concepts at their most rudimentary level. I need help, I need someone to hold my hand and walk me through the simple explanation that is sure to be available, like I myself do for the "others" in need.


Most days I do OK, people view me as strong and positive, helpful, loving, and a person of dignity and integrity.


Days like this I am emotionally 5 years old, I've just been dropped off at kindergarten, I am overcome by fear, and I don't know how to make myself stop wondering what is, what will be, I need to learn to be still and open my mind up to being teachable.