When You Were MY Daddy (8 August 2010)
You loved me, you held me in your arms, and made me feel safe and secure
You told me everything was gonna be alright.
You fed me, changed me, burped me, rocked me, and sang me lullabyes
You took me places, and taught me all about things, you wanted the best for me always.
You hugged me and kissed me and fixed all by boo-boos, taught me to brush myself off and try, try again.
Day trips to amusement parks, zoos, and fairs, I have great memories of the pre school years.
I also remember some sort of fight, a long trip to DC, a flood, and being up half the night.
I knew I was safe with my Daddy though, not a worry in my heart nothing I needed to know.
The Smithsonian, Fonzie's jacket and boots, Abe Lincoln, the Capitol, the Country's roots
For those first six years it was all you and me, I was Daddy's little girl the way life should be.
Like a clap of thunder, it came to an end. Neither of us saw what was around the bend.
In the 7th year, due to a troubled union, you sent me away for a family reunion.
My Mom's family, they were strangers to me, I chased you a tenth of a mile before I ripped up my knee.
I was hurt, confused, angry and sad... when you left me and drove off while I screamed for my Dad.
The image burned into my brain, I was screaming hysterically, I felt intense burning pain.
My heart and my gut felt the same, my Daddy had already forgotten my name.
I had nightmares, I relived it for years and years, nothing could fix it or dry my tears.
When I returned home things had certainly changed, Trust was an issue, we'd become estranged.
Walking in from school when I WAS SEVEN, to find Daddy wishing to go to heaven.
"I'll Blow my brains out", those were the words that you used. Blaming it all on you being abused.
I recognize your efforts, you tried to fix what was missing, you coached my baseball team, and took me Fishing,
The irrepairable damage had already been done, things fell apart, I was overun
For years you felt the distance of us growing further apart, you child was suffering from a broken heart
That firey rage filled my gut every day. A relief seeking missle, had gone astray.
The day in the church yard when the fuse had been lit, those silly boys didn't know what hit.
I couldn't stop and that was frightening, my temper was fierce and as quick as lightning.
I remember horrendous words spewing out of my mouth, at that point I knew I was headed South.
In a moment I froze, fearing GOD's wrath from the sky. I even thought I was gonna die.
When nothing happened, it was a load of crap. All faith was lost and I felt like a sap.
Missing the trust fueled my anger some more, I didn't feel safe or loved or secure.
I became enraged, self seeking, willful, and violent. When given guidance I was always defiant.
As I went spiraling out of control, your psychology degrees were lost in a hole
And that winter I tried to take my own life, 7 years old with a butcher knife,
My mother wouldn't discuss it, she was ashamed, the neighbors would hear and she might get blamed.
I needed real help and you were the shrink, it wasn't hard to see me headed straight for the drink.
You lost sight of me, your own flesh and blood, your poor little girl, her emotions a flood.
You screamed and swore and smashed things up. I couldn't cope, I was all fucked up.
I ran away to the woods. hid under the cellar stairs, The tension was high and so were my fears
We didn't relate like we did from the start, we continued to drift further and further apart.
The disease of addiction was in full bloom. My values were lost, my future felt doomed.
Relief came in the form of "more" at that time, food, physical pain, drugs, booze, sex, and crime.
You became enraged, disgusted with me, the feeling was mutual but you couldn't see.
You beat me to death with the sick things you said, with your hands you branded it into my head.
I was 15 when you got sick on board that plane, Dad. I switched the pills that you "accidently" had.
I wanted your life to come to an end. You had failed me as a father. There were no amends.
I had issues with DADDY with TRUST and with RAGE. I knew that we'd NEVER be on the same page.
I was hospitalized, locked up, I was sick, and arrested, I wouldn't slow down, every limit was tested.
So you left me again with no second glances, and found a prefab family with 3 young, 2nd chances.
A step dad, today even a grampa, without any anger. My daughter is your blood and you are a stranger.
When You Were MY Daddy
You loved me, you held me in your arms, and made me feel safe and secure
You told me everything was gonna be alright. I just wanted my Daddy back in my life.
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