Criticism Mirrors Back to the Critic

I did not know what it was with me, for the past few days I felt angry toward a few newcomers that didn't act as though they were willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. I wanted to cut them out of my life completely because of how irritable and frustrated I had become around them.
I was sure it couldn't be ME... If it was, I justified it as having hit my breaking point with my own codependency issues and shouldn't talk to so many newcomers.

I distanced myself and found no reduction in the level of disgust that was brewing inside of me, I realized this was in fact MY issue, and I had inwardly become a judgmental, critical, bitch.
I was talking about these people to others, I was negative, and I assassinated their character. That is NOT me, I became more angry, that's just not my style, I am a better person than that. These people viewed me as a friend, a confidant, a mentor.

The feeling in my gut was clammy and cold, I was so full of shame, I couldn't believe that I could have allowed myself to fall back into such horrible habits. I was sick to my stomach for what I had become, I did not sleep that night, the next morning I woke up suicidal and depressed, angry with myself about not being able to identify the why and carrying the guilt of my actions. I went to my regular meeting, we read Step 1. People with time began to share, "not wanting to forget where they came from" and "we are here for the newcomer, we've been where they are".

I crumbled, broke out into tears, not only was I reminded of just how sick I once was, but awakened to how sick I still am. A newcomer was sitting next to me, she wrapped her arms around me, put her hand on my head like a mother to a child and said, "You are going to be alright". I tried to pull away, she said, "Be still, feel your feelings, this is what you have taught me, just breathe and stay in the moment... FEEL, DEAL, HEAL".

I was as grateful as I could have been. She wasn't one of the newcomers that I felt frustrated about, but she spoke for all of them in that moment. Those words that she whispered in my ear were not original, they were not MY words, they were the words of those who came before me, those who helped me when I was new and taught me how to be of service to others, they didn't judge me, they loved me when I did not have the ability to love myself.

Once I had a chance to reflect, I realized that I was not only angry with people for doing exactly what I had done in the past, but I was jealous of the fact that they were doing it. Once more, I was watching people engage in behaviors that weren't conducive to their recovery, and I found that I too, was engaging in those VERY SAME behaviors myself.

During this epiphany, I heard a man say, "This is the only disease you'll have that will TELL you that you don't have it!"

I'm an addict in recovery today. I have no excuses to offer, simply amends to make, apologies for those who saw the evil and negativity of my disease rear it's ugly head, and radical changes need take place in my behavior, my attitudes, and my spiritual health.