Yeah, I'm pretty fucking far from OK.
I'm no psychologist, but I think it may be connected to the fact that I haven't seen a card, a gift, a phone call, a text message, or an email from EITHER of my parents on my birthday or Christmas in years.
I don't drink anymore, I don't use drugs anymore. I don't run around with abusive men anymore, I don't cut myself anymore, I don't binge eat anymore. (Not that ANY of that was even evident to these self absorbed assholes before I ever told them I had a problem.)
Years of therapy, hospitalizations, jail, and rehabs and the result is the same.
I am alone. I always have been.
Today, I lay in bed sobbing, desperately wanting to get out and go to the beach. But as I get my body to my bedroom door, my heart aches and my knees buckle. Back to bed, sobbing, hours go by and I try repeatedly to get out of my own fucking way.
I miss my grandparents and those chance holidays of my childhood where I might perhaps have an opportunity to feel loved by anyone. I've seen my Aunts/Uncles/Cousins less than a dozen times in my whole life (well, since I was old enough to remember). I know it wasn't due to any lack of trying on their part, and I always felt loved and cared for when I did see them.
Suddenly I have all these people step up when I'm 40 and say they knew what was going on and they wanted to help me when I was a child. What good does that do to know now? I've got 40 years of validation that they are insane, I don't need to hear it at my Grandmother's funeral.
I work DAMN HARD not to feel the way I do about my parents. Not to feel all of this pain inside all of the time. But let's be honest, it's the holidays and people get stressed and overwhelmed with misery. I want to trudge forward but I can't lie to myself, the odds of coming out the other end of this wildly successful and well adjusted are pretty much less than nil.
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