If I Should Die Before I Wake

Things to know about me.

I have always felt alone and helpless.
Since I was 7, when my mother watched me press a butcher knife against my own throat. Her reaction was not to help her child, but to hide the truth from the rest of the world. This would ultimately fill me with shame, far too young to understand.

I never felt like I fit in where I grew up.
I wasn't white, I wasn't black... I was mixed
I didn't have straight hair, I didn't have curly hair... I had frizzy hair.

My mother appeared to be ashamed of her heritage. UNLESS of course there was a way she might benefit, as with her career.

I grew up with no culture or education of my ethnicity.

I was raised in a small WHITE, Massachusetts town.

Today, I don't fit in with the people most like me, they don't understand me, they seem to know more than I do, my ignorance embarrasses me and causes me shame.

I don't know who I am supposed to be and I don't feel like I am worthy of love.

I guess I just feel like I don't have a beginning or a foundation... and I know that nothing without a foundation lasts for long.