Prince Charming was a closeted homosexual bitch-boy which clearly explains why his hair was so perfect and he always rode a stallion. "Happily Ever After" referred to his safe existence, after the Princess pulled him up out of the moat after the King's men ran a train on his ass and beat the ever living shit out of him for being such a fucking queen. Shortly after Prince and Princess move in together, there was some strange accidental chemical reaction between two cells and a parasitic infection occurs inside of the Princess.
This growing parasite thrives on it's new host, controlling everything from body temperature to mood swings, appetite, sex drive, nipple tenderness... It grows and depletes all of the natural supply of vitamins, minerals, emotional stability, shape, and memory of the suffering princess.
Eventually the parasite becomes too large for the host and must be expelled by any means necessary, it seems biologically driven in the direction of the door that it's foreign, paternal cell used to enter. The Princess suffers through an excruciating event, for which drugs may be introduced, and not a moment too soon. Large doses of opiates and sedatives are just the perfect combination of pharmacology to create a bond between this now external parasite and it's hosts, for it is not cute, it is all wrinkly and yellow, an under-developed, barely human, fish-faced, dependent organism. It does NOT smell good, at first it may smell like bad food, fermented amniotic fluid, afterbirth, blood, and over-worked pussy, then they get cleaned up and some asshole brings it back to you smelling like Ivory Snow and Baby Wash.
Soon after you bring it home, it reeks of cradle cap and spit up sour milk, then real vomit and straight up shit, the drugs have worn off and you can throw any sign of cuteness out the fucking window, believe me, you are about to! Your delusion of being a princess has disappeared!
Just before you feed it to the neighbors dog, this dependent creature begins to make these alien cooing sounds, while staring all crooked at you. One eye closed, tongue over to the side of their drooling pucker, oh how cute, you are in love all over again.
NO, moron, that's not a smile, the little shit machine is working on a record, filling its diaper and trying to make shit smear straight up his back and out the top of the Onesie and the adorable little Baby Gap outfit that you just spent 60 bucks on.
You won't sleep or get a hot meal for years, the common cold seems to linger longer than average in your home, you sanitize and wash everything until you don't give a fuck if the thing eats a dead rat. You stop wiping snot from it's ever running nose, you stop replacing the batteries in the baby monitor, you stop checking it's mouth for small marbles or lego's, you left those in on the floor deliberately, you are secretly trying to kill the fucking thing, it's sucking the life out of you and it's no longer even on the inside. What the fuck have you done?!?!
The parasite is dependent on it's host for many years to come, food, lots of food, clothing, lots of clothing and SHOES, braces, and CASH, car keys and college, bridal shower, wedding, new home, baby shower, there you go rinse & repeat... it's a horrific nasty cycle for which you spend decades wanting to drown Charming in the moat you pulled him out of, if of course, he hasn't left you for your younger wicked step sister, or the much older and wiser, fairy god-mother.
Now you are an alcoholic, single mom, with a distended, stretch marked gut, wrinkles, yellow teeth, smokers lung, thinning grey hair, a wardrobe which has gone in and out of style 4 times since you purchased it, and it's barely covering your belly, let alone the once perky tits that sag beneath your belt line. What a catch, you go girl!
you sick person- i love u
ReplyDelete