I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Things that might not need to be thought about. However, when I try to control my thinking, my thinking gets out of control... Which leads to chaos and results in a tsunami of random unthinkable thoughts...

Co-dependence wears heavy, like a lead vest, or cement shoes.

When I was a kid, I resented the fact that some people were treated differently (as though they are somehow less than). I've spent my entire life treating others the way that I would like to be treated. However, as the dawn breaks and I awaken a little bit, I can see that not everyone was raised with the high bar for good grades or doing their best. 

Although I could never please my parents, and it has always caused me to feel less than; I can see that some people were barely raised at all, there was no attention placed on kindness, integrity, or quality at school or work. They were happy to get by (even if they barely made it), and to never go above and beyond, to never set goals of their own, let alone to ever exceed them. 

I used to be a people person. Now, I am learning that I have less and less in common with the very type I am drawn to, it pains me to know that there are just some that I just can't have riding shotgun on any leg of my journey.

Casino of Life Win, Lose or Draw...

I can't choose the cards I'm dealt, but how I play them matters. 

I can learn from my choices and become a better player, but skill alone will never carry me.

There are too many players and too many decks. 

There is no way to cheat, the house always wins. 

If I sit out on just one hand, its a lesson never learned. 

A lesson that can make achieving a higher level of consciousness that much more difficult perhaps even impossible. 

Most importantly, I need to be present to win.

I WISH

Sometimes I just wish I could be heard or seen long enough to make an impact or a change for the better.

Sometimes I know I can make a difference.


Sometimes I simplify things and it makes the world seem an easier place to live in.

Sometimes I wish life could be fair.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a conscience.
Sometimes I don't feel like I do.

Sometimes I just want to take a day off from life.
Sometimes I want to stay on the ride and do it again.

Sometimes I want someone to love me the way that I love.
Sometimes I wish everyone would just not give a shit about me.

Sometimes I wonder what others think of me.
Sometimes I let the way others feel about me control my emotions.

Sometimes I want to be unique.
Sometimes I realize the ways that we are all the same.

Merry Christmas, Here's Why I Moved 1,700 Miles from "HOME"

Yeah, I'm pretty fucking far from OK.

I'm no psychologist, but I think it may be connected to the fact that I haven't seen a card, a gift, a phone call, a text message, or an email from EITHER of my parents on my birthday or Christmas in years.

I don't drink anymore, I don't use drugs anymore. I don't run around with abusive men anymore, I don't cut myself anymore, I don't binge eat anymore. (Not that ANY of that was even evident to these self absorbed assholes before I ever told them I had a problem.)

Years of therapy, hospitalizations, jail, and rehabs and the result is the same.

I am alone. I always have been.

Today, I lay in bed sobbing, desperately wanting to get out and go to the beach. But as I get my body to my bedroom door, my heart aches and my knees buckle. Back to bed, sobbing, hours go by and I try repeatedly to get out of my own fucking way. 

I miss my grandparents and those chance holidays of my childhood where I might perhaps have an opportunity to feel loved by anyone. I've seen my Aunts/Uncles/Cousins less than a dozen times in my whole life (well, since I was old enough to remember). I know it wasn't due to any lack of trying on their part, and I always felt loved and cared for when I did see them. 

Suddenly I have all these people step up when I'm 40 and say they knew what was going on and they wanted to help me when I was a child. What good does that do to know now? I've got 40 years of validation that they are insane, I don't need to hear it at my Grandmother's funeral.

I work DAMN HARD not to feel the way I do about my parents. Not to feel all of this pain inside all of the time. But let's be honest, it's the holidays and people get stressed and overwhelmed with misery. I want to trudge forward but I can't lie to myself, the odds of coming out the other end of this wildly successful and well adjusted are pretty much less than nil.

Just THINK... and ASK YOURSELF...

Why are people drawn to me socially when I've always been the outcast?

Why do people lean on me when they are hurting when I'm barely stable enough to take care of myself?

Why do people come to me for help with their relationships when I've never even had a healthy one of my own?

I would not rest on a chair that isn't strong enough to support my weight. So why would I wish to lean on a person who has no sage advice to help me in life?

I would not transport water in a vessel made of tissue. So why would I take advice from somebody dumb enough to try?

50 Shades of BULLSHIT, Gentlemen, Pay Attention!!

Why didn't she ever call or text you back after the one night of "FUN" you had with her?!?

OK Guys, 

I am giving you the information you want. Here it is...

LEARN HOW TO BE AN ATTENTIVE LOVER

MOST guys don't watch, listen, or feel for the signals a woman puts out as to whether he's going in the right direction or he's off the map altogether. Women aren't all the same, and guys are often on a psychotic mission to get to a very specific place on a woman's body, when they do they are big clumsy oafs just jamming their fingers teeth tongue or nose in the softest warmest wettest spot they can find...

Guess what baby, IT HURTS!!! 

Some guys don't realize when a woman is slapping them on the head, they are tapping out, saying "OK that's too much pain!! STOP"... they don't listen to the words OUCH, NO, STOP, when they've got a very sensitive section of our naughty parts between their teeth... I don't know what book or porno is being circulated among men these days, but STOP reading/watching it... Women are delicate, we like to be touched softly, sensually... if we TRUST you beyond there, we will indicate we want something harder, faster, whatever... ALWAYS start gentle and the rest will work itself out...