What have I become?

I was a head strong little girl, much to the dismay of my parents. I never took no for an answer, I rarely did as I was told, I refused to accept fact as fact, I wanted to be just like the people who proved the world wasn't flat. I hated myself yet I held myself at such high regard that I thought the grown ups around me were idiots. This was the birth of the human oxymoron.

Running was what I did whenever I felt the chains of society bind me. I refused to be confined or enslaved, I wanted to explore, I wanted to discover, I wanted to uncover, I wanted to be recognized for a groundbreaking historical find. I've not given up this quest!

As I got older I was impossible to tame, I played sports and was always arguing rules and semantics and never taking any answer as the right one. My teachers and coaches were at a loss. Parents wouldn't let their kids play with me. I was angry, and defiant. I ate what I wanted, slept when I wanted, drank, did drugs, had sex, fought, stole, ran away, worked, went to school, lived away from home, went to college, worked, and fell apart over and over and over again. I went to prison at 19 years old. I got out and more discreet about my beliefs, I kept my opinions to myself and my close friends, I stopped trying to be so extreme with my reckless behavior, I gave up select drugs, which I was sure were the cause of my problems. Inevitably, I was back to the old me in no time.

I had a kid at 21, I was a complete train wreck, I defiantly took her without help gave her a home. I subjected that child to the most depraved and unhealthy moments in my life. I settled for less than what I truly deserved, and I got exactly what I had coming to me. When my daughter turned 7, I dropped her off at my mother's house and never returned for her. This was the moment that I became free to live the way my addiction wanted me to live. I had no morals, no spiritual values, not a lick of common sense, no affinity, no allegiance to anyone or anything but cocaine, my one and only true love.

Cocaine called all the shots, for the next 5 years. Every breath I took was around using or obtaining it. It never rejected me, never neglected me, never hurt me, never promised me anything, it was always there when I needed it most, it always made me feel better, I was popular because I always had it, I wasn't a criminal, I was a rock star, I wasn't hiding, I was advertising, I wasn't lonely, everybody loved me.

Until it stopped working. Nobody trusted me, I was alone, isolated, hiding, paranoid, miserable, full of guilt, shame, remorse, pain, anger, and rejection. I wanted to end my days on this planet, the pain was great enough for me to try one last time to check out for good. I did it, I definitely did it, but nothing happened, my heart should have exploded, it should have stopped, I should have dropped to the floor, I should have had a seizure, a stroke, a heart attack, something. Nothing fucking happened.

The realization that my work here was not yet complete gave me one option, to get help, and there was no better time than the present. My mission was simple, "How the Hell do I exist in society without putting poison in my body? How do I learn to stop fighting everything so furiously?" That's all I wanted, it's all I needed. It's coming true, the answers are being revealed, more and more each day.

It's now 6 years later and so much has changed. So much remains the same as well...

I am defiant, I am full of self will, yet I am humbled, I am less reactive. I want to allow someone into my life today, I'm ready to relinquish some of the power and share it with another human being, a person who is kind and loving, someone whose strengths fill in my weakness and vice versa.