About Me

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All I can be is just me... Here I am for all to see, love me or leave me alone.

Why Did You HATE ME So?

I’ve spent most of my life wondering why you never loved me.

I’ve wondered why you didn’t want my father to love me, and why you didn’t want me to love my father.

I watched you push me away like you pushed him away and I allowed you to turn my daughter on me the way you turned me against my father.

I always felt like you hated me. Since I was 7 years old, I was pretty sure you didn’t want me. You worked a million hours and never wanted to be home with me. I used to cry myself to sleep at night with visions of you in a car accident or a fire and you were never coming home.

My father only tried to do what was best for me; he had no help and no parenting skills of his own. History would repeat as it did for me, with my daughter.

Dozens of hospitalizations and surgeries and calls from hospital staff and both institutional and outpatient therapists, not once did you answer the phone or return a call. As well as 7 years of sobriety and never did you come to support me, see me or help me in any part of my recovery.

But I’ve been out of your life and her life for so long now; I’m interested in hearing all about your success. How much better is life without me? How has my daughter matured in the time that you’ve had alone with her? Tell me how she’s doing at WORK, tell me how self-sufficient she is, and tell me how proud you are of her.

I have contacted her but she hates me. That’s all you. You got what you wanted all along, your second chance… You didn’t change a fucking thing. The only reason she’s not on drugs or drunk is because you made food her addiction instead. If she knew cocaine would help her drop 150 pounds she'd be stealing your checkbook just like I did.

The events of the day that ended my contact with you were truly insane. We were supposed to have Sushi for LUNCH, but you purchased a dinner sized entrée and gave it to her  to eat ON TOP OF the dinner sized entrée she ordered herself. You are feeding her like you did to me. She’s heavier than I ever was. That’s not emotional eating, that’s a LEARNED behavior. You TAUGHT us how to use numb the pain.

You took guardianship of my daughter and signed for her to drop out of school. You never wanted what was best for my little girl. You wanted her away from me. Now what do you have? You have your homegrown adult child, wearing out the furniture, eating everything in sight, running up the bills and going nowhere.

Yes, mother, your words ring true, I was always screwed up. Denial on your part that your contribution played a role, the only chapter from my childhood that hasn’t been amended. My life improves without the thought of you in it. My pain is lessened when you aren’t here to slice me up and rub salt into the wounds. I hate you for living long enough to hurt me that one last time but I am not angry with you anymore. My acceptance came when the 7 year old girl who lives inside my broken heart was finally able to mourn her mother’s soul. Damn you for stealing my daughter’s.

She will always be MY daughter, you can manipulate her memories, you can poison her mind with your lies, but you can’t wash me out of her DNA… Mark my words, if I die before you, I swear to EVERYTHING you find sacred, I will see she is protected while you suffer a long, grueling and painful, merciless death.


Inside of my gut is a rage that burns white hot.

I can't stand people who run off at the mouth about their opinions and try to force them upon others.

Are you an Atheist? Good for you, that doesn't mean everyone needs to be.

Are you a Mormon? Great, now keep it to yourself, I don't want to go to church with you.

Do you hate the government? OK, I heard ya. Shut up already.

Are you in love? Good for you, now can you rejoin the rest of this miserable society and get some work done?

I hate redundancy, patterns, repetition, 'same ole same ole' sorts of bullshit. I don't want to hear the same shit day in and day out, I don't want to watch the same shows, I don't want to eat the same food, I don't even want to fuck the same guy.

I can go from feeling good and comfortable in a relationship to homicidal maniac with nothing in between but a good nights rest.

Destined to die alone, or live in toxicity with crazy fucks like myself, I know I can't stand the state of the world and I have no power to change it.

Job Hunting or Online Dating?

I am seeing a new trend in job postings that say:  “Job Hoppers need not apply” yet I've observed:

Employers can pay you however little they want for as much work as they want to task you with. 
Employers can change the rules of the game at any time.
Employers can cut your position or let you go at any time without notice. 
Independent contractor and commission only jobs are increasingly common but the hours required never pay off in the end. (Who wants to work 80 hours for 100 bucks?)

I am looking for just ONE person that isn't pulling from a trust fund or living with a wealthy spouse or whatnot... Speaking with respect to today's economy and the decade leading up to it... 
One person who can honestly tell me that they would up and leave a great job, making good money, being treated well, and feeling appreciated... just to try something different every couple years.
Is there even one person actively LOOKING for a job who doesn't feel that they NEED to be?!?!

Personality profiles: "no right or wrong answer", my ass. These are designed for sociopaths and "company men" employers aren't looking for your HONEST answers, but instead they want to know that you can "tell them what they want to hear" even when it's a blatant and OBVIOUS lie.

Finding long term, gainful employment is worse than online dating; employers either want to use you and discard you, or they want you to sign your life over to them so they can systematically rape and torture you for the rest of your life.

The War Between My Ears

Dear _______, 

Oh how you frustrate me so! 

You've never failed to be right here whenever I need to see you. I love you for that... But I hate you, I wish you weren't always here, I wish I didn't have to look at you everyday. I try to ignore you, I try to believe the lies I tell myself, I wish you would just go away. Go Away, Get out of my life, I'm so sick of you!

Wait, Come Back!
I'm desperately crying out to you in the night, I need you, where are you? I am imprisoned in my own mind, I have no one to set me free but you. I need the solution, I fail miserably without you! Where have you gone, why won't you tell me the answer? I know you are there, reveal yourself!!

Ouch!! Why do you have to sting me so hard? Why does your very existence hurt me so? Why is pain the only method you use to present yourself to me? Can't you be more kind and gentle with me?

What do you mean I am not kind and gentle to myself?

What do you mean I won't remember the lesson if I don't feel it?

I hate when you're right. Why do you always have to be right? When will I know what's best for me? When can I have a chance to prove I can do it myself? I don't need you! I'll show you. You'll see! 

How could you? I can't believe you abandoned me like that. I hate you. Step up and show yourself! You are such a... You are so... Grrrr. I can't even face you right now!

Can you figure out "who" I'm grappling with?

If I told you the "TRUTH" would you re-read my blog post?