I’ve spent most of my life wondering why you never loved me.
I’ve wondered why you didn’t want my father to love me, and
why you didn’t want me to love my father.
I watched you push me away like you pushed him away and I
allowed you to turn my daughter on me the way you turned me against my father.
I always felt like you hated me. Since I was 7 years old, I
was pretty sure you didn’t want me. You worked a million hours and never wanted
to be home with me. I used to cry myself to sleep at night with visions of you
in a car accident or a fire and you were never coming home.
My father only tried to do what was best for me; he had no
help and no parenting skills of his own. History would repeat as it did for me,
with my daughter.
Dozens of hospitalizations and surgeries and calls from
hospital staff and both institutional and outpatient therapists, not once did
you answer the phone or return a call. As well as 7 years of sobriety and never
did you come to support me, see me or help me in any part of my recovery.
But I’ve been out of your life and her life for so long now;
I’m interested in hearing all about your success. How much better is life
without me? How has my daughter matured in the time that you’ve had alone with
her? Tell me how she’s doing at WORK, tell me how self-sufficient she is, and
tell me how proud you are of her.
I have contacted her but she hates me. That’s all you. You
got what you wanted all along, your second chance… You didn’t change a fucking
thing. The only reason she’s not on drugs or drunk is because you made food her
addiction instead. If she knew cocaine would help her drop 150 pounds she'd be
stealing your checkbook just like I did.
The events of the day that ended my contact with you were
truly insane. We were supposed to have Sushi for LUNCH, but you purchased a
dinner sized entrée and gave it to her to eat ON TOP OF the dinner sized entrée she
ordered herself. You are feeding her like you did to me. She’s heavier than I
ever was. That’s not emotional eating, that’s a LEARNED behavior. You TAUGHT us
how to use numb the pain.
You took guardianship of my daughter and signed for her to
drop out of school. You never wanted what was best for my little girl. You
wanted her away from me. Now what do you have? You have your homegrown adult
child, wearing out the furniture, eating everything in sight, running up the
bills and going nowhere.
Yes, mother, your words ring true, I was always screwed up.
Denial on your part that your contribution played a role, the only chapter from
my childhood that hasn’t been amended. My life improves without the thought of
you in it. My pain is lessened when you aren’t here to slice me up and rub salt
into the wounds. I hate you for living long enough to hurt me that one last
time but I am not angry with you anymore. My acceptance came when the 7 year
old girl who lives inside my broken heart was finally able to mourn her
mother’s soul. Damn you for stealing my daughter’s.
She will always be MY daughter, you can manipulate her
memories, you can poison her mind with your lies, but you can’t wash me out of
her DNA… Mark my words, if I die before you, I swear to EVERYTHING you find
sacred, I will see she is protected while you suffer a long, grueling and
painful, merciless death.
