The Voice of Insecurity

I don't know how to allow others to get close enough for me to feel good without suspicion. As soon as I place an expectation on someone to do as they say they will, I set myself up for disappointment and pain.

I have is this voice of insecurity in my mind, the voice is my own, it tells me things like: "SUCKER, You fell for it again! You always believe people can be held up to their word." "You are such a fucking idiot, what would ever make you think such a great person would want to spend ANY time with you". "You aren't worthy of any happiness in your life". "Why would anyone want to be with you? You are ugly, fat, and worthless, your own parents want nothing to do with you". There are lots of other negative, painful thoughts that I try to suppress on a daily basis, some days I succeed and other days I can't get out of bed. On a bad day I am isolated, a prisoner of my own mind, and the weight of depression is almost suffocating. 

I overcompensate in all of my relationships with people because I know how horrible this feels and don't want to ever play a role in someone else feeling this way. I find pleasure in making others feel the way I've always wanted to feel, loved and accepted. I put so much into it, too much it seems. I bend over backwards, to manufacture excuses, over-accommodate, excessively ego stroke, emotionally care take, even alibi, but before I know it I'm alone again, depressed, disappointed, hurt, angry, and setback in my own development. For FEAR of being labeled selfish or self centered, as I have been all my life. Now, I've gone too far doing for others and not learning how to do for me. 

Naturally people identify this kindness as a weakness and take, take, take from me as long as I continue to tolerate it. That's the ugly truth behind human nature and the selfishness of others. As long as I believe that anyone is out for anyone other than themselves, I will continue to put myself in a position to be disappointed. I feel I need to accept that in the grand scheme of things, it's everyone for themselves, and if I need to be selfish, so be it. I can rely on no one but me for my own survival and the quality of my life.