There is NO "Right or Wrong", Interpretation is Just Semantics Until We Are Ready to HEAR.

There was a time, before Christianity, when philosophers spoke of kindness, of selfless acts and ideas that implied a sense of balance between human beings and mankind, respect for the world in which we lived, and of all living things which we were dependent upon for our survival.

These teachings were that of accountability through mindfulness and awareness. Spirituality symbolized an inner peace and sense of empowerment, achieved simply by being in tune to the fact that the world was comprised of far more than man, that if we didn't practice such principles, our selfish acts over time would have a negative impact on our world, and that every thing, living or dying, was a moving part with a crucial role in a complex universe.

With that said...

If you wanna know me invest some time, if you wanna know how I feel, I'll tell ya... about myself, about you, about someone else, that's as honest as I can be... I don't have the skinny, or any dirt, but if you wanna hear an opinion, I'm all about it!!!

Label me outspoken, judgmental, mean, whatever you like, if you don't wanna hear it don't ask! And if you are gonna interrupt when I am telling you what you asked to hear, don't draw your own conclusions as if you understand me, you don't, and as long as you think you do, you never will.

Few people have balls enough to ask me for my opinion, and listen to my answer, even fewer have the balls to disagree without fear. My opinions are mine, they are opinions, the way I feel is me, it's how I feel, feelings and opinions are subject to change at any time as I grow and open my eyes to other angles and other points of view. Who am I to tell you your ideas or feelings or opinions are wrong? They belong to you and have no impact on me or my life whatever.

Not everyone can see the points I try to illustrate. I am grateful when you share, when you disagree, when you help me to see things from outside of my own comfort zone. I am not going to be persuaded, brainwashed, force fed, or bullied into believing or seeing something that just isn't there for me. If that is how you roll, please roll on by. If I am meant to catch your drift, I will.

Are we speaking in Fact, Opinion, or Smoke Up My Ass?

FACT: There are people in the world who manipulate others, prey on their weaknesses, and gain their trust, all for no reason other than a sense of power or superiority.

OPINION: We all have a dark side, some are frightened by it, some are intrigued by it, ever testing the depths of debauchery they are capable of, others are oblivious to it, and a few spend their entire life sharpening and honing it, they are the true "wolves in sheeps' clothing", and potentially the most dangerous people on the planet. The most skilled dark mind is stealth among his peers, he's virtually undetectable, hiding in the shadows of our most trusted sanctuaries, he doesn't look out of place, he disguises himself as a trusted servant, he watches and listens and learns studying his prey like an animal in the wild.

FACT: Without entering into a big debate of religion and Darwin etc... Predatorial behavior is in our nature, we are animals in the circle of life, and while "most" humans are civilized and generally good, the human predator may actually be more highly evolved, after all, an uncivilized creature would not have the ability to appear, act, and live among its' prey and certainly couldn't maintain the level of self control required for such a long and slow process.

OPINION: Balance is the key to a healthy, productive, "happy" life. Dark minds exist, oblivious minds exist, paranoid minds exist, it takes all kinds to make the world we live in. If you surround yourself only by one type of mind, your mind will either fight to be the leader, follow suit, or bow down to serve. Too much of any one thing can be unhealthy to all of us.

SMOKE UP YOUR ASS: If you struggle with unmanageable circumstances and you can't curb the behavior on your own, there are support groups, 12 step programs, therapists, retreats, hypnosis, acupuncture, you name it... there is a way to improve your life. Whatever works for you is your choice. I need to remind myself why I came into these groups, programs, therapists, etc... I was feeling like I was an outcast, completely unable to exist in society. I was unemployed and unemployable, I was angry and violent, I was clinically insane. The root of my problems lays within me, the symptom was the depravity of my addiction and my inability to stop.

With true desperation comes surrender, willingness, and freedom from bondage of self. Relying on a group of strangers that came before you and keep coming is a great way to learn what to do and how to get it done. This worked for me the first 3 years. Legit, it worked, my life got better, I started a new career, I became very successful.

Life dealt me some bad hands, I played them out, never folded, and eventually found myself back in a world of desperation, not a relapse, just life's bullshit bringing me back to the beginning. I submerged myself back in the programs and groups. They were my life raft and I was drowning in life's terms. Some of the people within these places befriended me and played a role of supportive friend, fellow, or understanding confidant. While MOST remained that way, a few seemed to have a stake in my presence, they had been trusted members of my crew but they had not appeared to be so supportive as my plan to reintegrate with society came into view. I had never planned to abandon these groups completely, however when people turn on you for wanting to improve your life, the safety net of a group starts to feel like the confines of a gang, cult, or prison.

I have crawled and climbed and dug my way back out of the hole and while I am trying to make my transition back into the workforce and being a productive member of society, I am met with great resistance from my peers at these groups, etc. I am being discouraged from reaching for the stars... I am being told that people like me don't do well in (ABC) circumstances, or (XYZ) jobs.

I did not "join" to be held back, I needed to learn how to live. I came in with thoughts of ending my life because I just couldn't exist among my neighbors, co-workers, family, and friends. I can do this today, and I know that the possibilities are endless, however, I have to take some initiative, take a risk occasionally, and apply myself. I would never have the ability to do this without the skills I picked up in the groups that I centered myself in and the people who rallied around me.

FACT: No human being has the power to predict whether you will rise to the top or sink to the bottom in any situation, do not allow yourself to drown in the misery of others. You crawl beneath no one.

OPINION: The moment you feel uncomfortably inferior to anyone, get out of the situation and find one that suits you.

EVIL & FEAR: Born or Taught?

Lots of children have fears of the dark and ghosts and monsters and the devil and God.
In the beginning perhaps out of sheer loneliness, I didn't have those fears, I thought if ghosts or monsters were to approach me, once I showed my acceptance to them, they would love me and want to be my friend and play with me, because I would never hurt them and they would just sense that I was kind and loving and GOOD. I distinctly remember begging the monsters and ghosts to please come out and play with me, I wouldn't hurt them, I knew they were just like me and they only wanted a friend to play with. Realistically, I knew that if said creatures existed, they weren't "of this world" and I was OK with that, as I was not happy being here at all. I used to look out my bedroom window, up at the stars in the night sky wishing and hoping that aliens would send a ship down to rescue me, and I would pray to them to take me away.
By age 4, the concept of a punishing God was branded into me by my parents. Every time I so much as stubbed my toe, I was being punished for the horrible thoughts running through my evil little mind. I knew deep down that I wasn't evil and I wasn't deserving of this punishment. But I wasn't strong enough to fight the lessons I was being taught.
When I was 6, my loneliness was very clear, I was not like other kids, I was not interested in being like other kids. So they got me a puppy. I loved him, and trained him myself, he was remarkably obedient, but only to me. This was the first time that I felt as though any being on earth understood me, loved me, or appreciated me. Then they sent me away, my puppy and I were separated. Again I was alone and empty and hopeless. I was 7 when I returned and my puppy was a full grown 125 pound dog. He remembered me, and I loved him and missed him so much, but it was not the same, I didn't get to see him grow. I resented them for sending me away and forcing me to miss out on his whole puppyhood.
The dog remained my best friend, but that just wasn't enough. The rage which seemed to double inside of me daily, the fact that God had punished me and gave me what I had deserved for being "bad" was seeping into my thought process, coupled with the revelation that nobody understood me. My parents were sick fucks, they had no idea the damage that they were doing. I taught myself to draw as a way to try to direct some of my frustration into a healthy outlet, I began writing short stories, poems, and kept journals. Nothing could bring peace to my heart, nothing could fill the hole in my soul, nothing could take away the crippling sadness. I attempted to take my own life.
There was no remedy applied to my action, after all, what would the neighbors think? I was a very sick kid and I needed help. My relief seeking behaviors really became apparent. Stealing cookies, eating sugar right out of the bowl, food was my first form of self medication. I soon became obese. I stole from candy stores and my mother's purse. I also became physically aggressive when anyone or anything interfered with obtaining my medicine. In a tantrum, I put my fist through my bedroom window around age 8 and was not punished. My father justified this by the fact that I had sustained a minor injury. A cut on my hand and arm. This cut which was painless to me, opened my mind to my second form of medication, self mutilation. I became a cutter. My belly and my thighs were places that I could hide the marks and summertime, mosquito bites could be picked and scratched and I learned I didn't even need a bug bite to pick my skin raw. I did whatever I could do to allow myself to release the tension and pressure of living in this horrible world that I really didn't want to be in.
About 10 years old, I weighed 130 pounds, with scratches, scars, scabs, and cuts all over, a pediatrician recommended some therapy.
By 11, I was defiant to the greatest extreme, out of control, and had suffered a complete loss of trust or faith in anyone or anything positive or healthy. I would lie compulsively, steal without need, cheat at board games, and assault anyone including my mother for trying to set a limit with me. This would be the year I had sex, started using and abusing drugs, drinking, and first ran away from home.
With rage fueling my decisions and no identifiable fear, I would set out to face the world and to fight all of it's demons to the death. The idea of kindness and goodwill toward all was completely shattered in my mind. I no longer carried that belief that I was good, the idea that my seat in Heaven would be secure, simply by being the kind, loving, generous, child that I had been, was gone. My mind had a different thought, they knew something that I couldn't comprehend, they couldn't comprehend me, which must mean I was fundamentally different, exactly what they had been saying all along, I must have been just what they said, I was in fact, that EVIL child.

Not Separate, Not Unequal: Human Beings in Need of Kindness and Understanding

There is no great mystery or secret behind a woman's desire for being cherished. Men equally have a need to feel admired. Women who feel cherished are more likely to be content to stay in a relationship. Yet for some reason, modern society has formed women who are put off by notion of showing admiration to a man. His sustained attraction is often fueled by whether he feels admired by her. Men, like women, often lose interest when they sense that they don't have the admiration of their cherished partner.

Women have a high regard for a faithful man. Both sexually faithful and standing behind her while she makes strides on improving her life. Similarly, men place high value on loyalty. He needs to know that you are in his corner, when life's situations become difficult, he needs the kind of woman who has his back. There is not a man or woman on earth who will forget those hardships that they had to overcome alone or without the loyal partner they needed.

Some men subscribe to the idea that certain women are to be viewed maternally and certain women are viewed sexually. They have a very difficult time reconciling the two. That is honestly no different from women who naturally find themselves attracted to men with qualities mirrored to their own fathers. 

With that said, I believe that there is a balance. One which is crucial all who have a tendency toward codependency. Being in someone's corner does not mean parenting them. Being faithful doesn't mean abandoning your professional life, friends, or hobbies. Having someone's back does not mean doing their work. Admiring or cherishing a person does not mean obsessing or becoming addicted to them, nor does it mean accepting unacceptable behavior and making excuses for anyone who treats you poorly. Fundamentally we are not entirely different, fears arise in both sexes, we both have emotional needs and insecurities. 

Our society has driven a wedge between its' people... Separating us by sex, race, religion, nationality, neighborhood, tax bracket, personal preferences, Pepsi vs. Coke, etc... Dictating to us what's natural and not natural for us to be feeling, discussing, or pursuing. It's not hard to see that we are all alike in many, many ways. 

Imagine the worldly problems we could solve if we all focus in and worked together? 

Open your eyes, wake up people, don't believe the lies.

Who's YOUR Daddy?

I don't have ANY concept of "God" in a traditional sense, I was raised strict Catholic, I never felt comfortable with those teachings which were force fed to me for so long. What I was left with, was only my twisted perception, a rather ugly impression had been branded into my defiant mind as to WHO this God character was supposed to be. 

Today, after some fearless, soul searching I've begun to break free and identify for myself that "God" is merely a word, apparently a universal word symbolizing a creator. I cannot personify such a concept, as many seem to be able to do without a second thought. 

To satisfy my own visions, I considered the concept of a "Higher Power". For this no personification of "God" is possible. I simply imagine the forces of nature. I know that if I were to muster up all of my human power and call upon a thousand friends, I would still fail miserably in trying to create or prevent a tsunami, tornado, earthquake, volcano, hurricane, flood, mudslide, avalanche, sinkhole, blizzard, heatwave, drought, or any combination. I see no human power responsible for the sun rising or setting, the seasons from changing, or any of the daily life in nature that flows all around me. Beyond that, I have no need to understand YOUR concept of a "Higher Power" or "God" or a "Creator". Simply stated, everything after respect and kindness is inconsequential to me. Life will continue to go on whether I am awake or asleep, dead or alive, engaged in my personal recovery or not.

As for prayer... I view prayer as the power of positive thought, accepting the fact that this word, "God" symbolizes so many things to so many people, requires a great deal of humility. I will never be able to comprehend such complexities as to how it all came about, the planets, the universe, space, and the history of man and mankind. I can see for myself in my own life that positive thought supports positive actions which in turn yield positive results, maybe not immediately, in the manner I WANT everything, but always in the long run. 

My own personal choice to research ANCIENT teachings from cultures that have proven to have a far healthier lifestyle than mine (such as Hinduism, Tibetan Buddhism, and Taoism) have helped me choose the principles of living a spirituality centered life based on kindness and personal growth. When there is serenity and peace at the core of my being, I make healthier decisions. I have a value system of good morals and peace of mind.

Criticism Mirrors Back to the Critic

I did not know what it was with me, for the past few days I felt angry toward a few newcomers that didn't act as though they were willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. I wanted to cut them out of my life completely because of how irritable and frustrated I had become around them.
I was sure it couldn't be ME... If it was, I justified it as having hit my breaking point with my own codependency issues and shouldn't talk to so many newcomers.

I distanced myself and found no reduction in the level of disgust that was brewing inside of me, I realized this was in fact MY issue, and I had inwardly become a judgmental, critical, bitch.
I was talking about these people to others, I was negative, and I assassinated their character. That is NOT me, I became more angry, that's just not my style, I am a better person than that. These people viewed me as a friend, a confidant, a mentor.

The feeling in my gut was clammy and cold, I was so full of shame, I couldn't believe that I could have allowed myself to fall back into such horrible habits. I was sick to my stomach for what I had become, I did not sleep that night, the next morning I woke up suicidal and depressed, angry with myself about not being able to identify the why and carrying the guilt of my actions. I went to my regular meeting, we read Step 1. People with time began to share, "not wanting to forget where they came from" and "we are here for the newcomer, we've been where they are".

I crumbled, broke out into tears, not only was I reminded of just how sick I once was, but awakened to how sick I still am. A newcomer was sitting next to me, she wrapped her arms around me, put her hand on my head like a mother to a child and said, "You are going to be alright". I tried to pull away, she said, "Be still, feel your feelings, this is what you have taught me, just breathe and stay in the moment... FEEL, DEAL, HEAL".

I was as grateful as I could have been. She wasn't one of the newcomers that I felt frustrated about, but she spoke for all of them in that moment. Those words that she whispered in my ear were not original, they were not MY words, they were the words of those who came before me, those who helped me when I was new and taught me how to be of service to others, they didn't judge me, they loved me when I did not have the ability to love myself.

Once I had a chance to reflect, I realized that I was not only angry with people for doing exactly what I had done in the past, but I was jealous of the fact that they were doing it. Once more, I was watching people engage in behaviors that weren't conducive to their recovery, and I found that I too, was engaging in those VERY SAME behaviors myself.

During this epiphany, I heard a man say, "This is the only disease you'll have that will TELL you that you don't have it!"

I'm an addict in recovery today. I have no excuses to offer, simply amends to make, apologies for those who saw the evil and negativity of my disease rear it's ugly head, and radical changes need take place in my behavior, my attitudes, and my spiritual health.

Reflecting Back Brings Gratitude.

In the first year, I was out of my mind, I was all over the place, I was desperate to feel better, it's all a blur to try to recall today, but there are a few who can tell me stories... Oh boy, can they ever!

The second year was better, I was able to maintain, I regained all I had lost, materially. I forced myself to be "sane" among my peers outside of my program. It worked, or people learned to embrace my insanity, not sure, but I made it through. I became ill and was out of work for 3 months, I had several surgeries, and came through with no family, few friends, and never fully recovered physically. Recovery from my addiction took a back seat to my health.

The third year into the forth life evolved, my ego blew up with financial success. In my eyes, all was perfect, I was happy and all I needed was someone to share it with... I found a sick relationship that was a horrible relapse for lack of a better description. All of my old behaviors and shortcomings rose above my financial status, and in no time, I was homicidal, suicidal, and defeated. It is a miracle I did not pick up, as I had almost no recovery in my life at that time.

I returned to meetings, dug out the books, the phone numbers, got right back into the middle of the program. I became ill again, shortly thereafter. Surgeries were needed, I procrastinated as my career and recovery was more important than my health, my plate was full, and I was hesitant to trust the doctors. Eventually, it became medically necessary to operate. I lost my job and health insurance before it could happen, was ill which deemed me unable to receive unemployment compensation at first. I was forced to leave a beautiful home and move to a state where there would be help available to me. Back home where I got sober in the first place, back to where it all started, and although my health issues are compounding, although I haven't be able to receive all of the resources I need, I am getting well in my recovery again, because I did NOT pick up in times of adversity, I did NOT pick up in times of crisis, depression, rage, excitement, or celebration.

In my fifth year, I am clearing up enough to recognize when I am going back to the hot stove again and again, repeating the old behaviors, the insanity. I recognize, however still a defiant addict, I am not always willing to stop, even when there is great pain. I never saw my behavior before, it's sick, and I see it now and THAT is progress. I am not riding ever bus til the wheels fall off today, I am not showing up to every fight I am invited to. I have a choice today, I can fall victim to my disease or I can employ the tools and the gifts given to have a defense. I have let go of some sinking (friend) ships, I have opened my heart and allowed myself to TRUST those who have been conducive to my recovery. I am working on me, unselfishly, and well deserved. My plate is full again, this time it's full of recovery, and I love my life.