Laundry Blog 5/7/2013

After spending about 45 minutes on the phone with parental unit, I've been reminded how my entire life has been a redundant cycle of riding my mental illness off the track, feeding my countless addictions, and all of my extremely poor choices that might accompany as a result. Whenever there was upheaval in my house, it was generally because of me.

Astoundingly enough, I am ...overwrought with anxiety after simply hearing about the MASSIVE amount of DRAMA, and CHAOS, and DISORDER, DISTRESS, and DIS-EASE that goes on in that family without me playing an active role. I am mind-boggled at how the cycle of shit storms and chronic chaos has remained in the places I've taken conscious measures to remove myself from. At the same time, I reflect back on my life [between sporadic contact] in honest appraisal, as I know I am not without my fair share. My initial take on the matter: I'm going to be OK, so long as I continue to stay away.

Carefully, with an open mind and a mirror to prevent me from lying to myself, I recall the last 5 conversations that I've had with family, ALL of which have been initiated by me, and I see that the contrast of chaos vs. serenity seems to align with the separation of that whole them vs. me feeling I've always had. Ironically, I don't feel as though they are sick and I am well, I feel more like they pointed the finger at me, while having three of their own fingers pointing right back at themselves, and how true these things can be... I got tired of being sick and being to blame for all the shit, I took a stand and some strategically planted advice, and well...

I've come a long way, there is no cap on my potential to do better, I feel good about this. As for the they, or them...? I can report with confidence in my perception that they are unknowingly, blindly, and with reckless abandon, are reliving the same horrific, sordid, and twisted tale of victims helping victims over and over and over again, like a half hearted attempt at another remake of the same crappy movie, same plot, new cast of characters, same empty feeling at the end of each deplorable remake.

I have learned to reduce the level of all that noise in my life, I've also learned how to diffuse it when it becomes too much for me to deal with... I have not mastered or perfected either skill, as ALL who know me will surely testify.

I am not sure what this all means with regard to my own sanity, or lack thereof... However I am about as sure as I could possibly be that I've begun to transform into a person I am happy to be, and have been riding a more stable, modern day, roller coaster... My darkest days of late have shone incredibly brighter than the grey existence of my former days. Being mindful of my pseudo-cavalier approach to life, with a little help prioritizing the things that actually DO matter, I might have half a chance at brief moments of contentment and peace... My Conclusion: Knowing the depths of ones own insanity is like being aware of shark infested waters. I find gratitude in having the sense to proceed with caution.

Dirty Laundry Blog 1/20/2013

I am living with a former roommate and his once "little" boy. Today, I took this 12 year old out to lunch and to the laundromat. He's a really strange little man, shares some of the high points of MY sense of humor and to be honest I kinda like the kid, besides being a filthy, vile 12 year old male, of course. He brought his own laundry this time. He did it all by himself, from wash to fold. His father spends zero time with him, he won't even try to get to know the kid. It's HIS loss too, because the child is fun, smart, goofy, and creative. He is artistic and he can sing like no 12 year old I've ever heard. 

Paranoid and neurotic, one of those "doomsday prepper", conspiracy theorists, the father almost never leaves his room unless he's gone to work. He is so on edge all the time, enraged at the world, afraid "they" are coming to take his guns, "ready" to defend his rights, angry that he doesn't have a wife, humiliated and embarrassed that his son doesn't know how to do pre-teen boy things like use tools and operate a lawn mower. 

Can someone please tell me how a young boy learns how to use tools or operate lawnmowers? I must be stupid, I don't understand this skill developing with hand-eye coordination during some early pubescent osmosis, I thought these things were taught  to a son by his father. In this house, I am the one who puts snow blowers together and changes tires and jump starts the cars... All of these things were taught to (this girl) by a father and a few ex-boyfriends who were taught by their fathers or father figures. Is it MY responsibility to teach the boy how to do these things now as well? Does it matter to me one bit whether the kid ever learns this stuff? Yeah, it matters, and if the kid doesn't learn, I get stuck doing it anyway... 

I work all week, I try to make some sort of social life for myself, I spend time with the boy and teach him some sort of a life skill. He's learning to cook, he's really pretty good at it and he loves to do it, however... cleaning isn't his favorite part ;) No biggie, he's growing up a little more every day and he's learning about living among diverse groups and how to respect others in his community. He's interacting more with cashiers, waitresses, and service workers. His father teaches him how to hate, how to be rude, and how to be angry. The kid really isn't interested in the racism, rhetoric, or propaganda that his father pulls off the internet and preaches to him. He enjoys the time he spends with his friends, at school, and with me. He's increasingly disgusted with his father, saying heartbreaking things, he cannot please him no matter what he does, he's really reluctant to continue to try.

He's not my son, he calls me Mom, he hugs me when I come home at night. He tells me all about his day and wants to hang out with me until he goes to bed. I don't want to hurt this kid, I won't tell him what I think of his father's decisions or thought processes. I can't be the person he bad mouths his own father to, I can't be the one he runs to when he's decided not to listen to him anymore. I am not willing or able to be that person. I need this time to be productive time for me to pull my head out of my ass and support myself better, not take care of everybody else.  Why's it got to be so fucking painful? I am overwhelmed with the guilt of having not played this role in my own child's life, and now I am in this situation where another child of no relation is crying out to me for guidance. I can't NOT do anything.

Take the POWER Back, BREAK FREE, THINK FREELY

You and I couldn't possibly have anything in common today because: __________.
I'm black and you're white, I'm short and you're tall, I'm fat and you're thin, you went to Yale and I was in jail, I'm a Democrat and you're a Republican, you're Jewish and I'm Buddhist, you like cats and I like dogs, you prefer the city and I love the countryside.

As children, we are taught from a very young age to recognize and identify that which is "different" from ourselves. In some cases, this is where the hate seed is planted.


We all have a very human tendency to comprehend things in any number of different ways. Each one of us can hear the same story and interpret it differently, so consider the variety of factors, such as how the information is introduced or is explained to us, our level of understanding, how it is interpreted by us, and how we use the information, what if any will be incorporated into our lives.

What is the most powerful tool they have against us? 
The answer is us. 

With so many layers of fundamental differences, how could we actually ever see the root of our trouble is so simple?

This is precisely why there is such emphasis on our differences. Separation feeds ignorance and that will feed fear. This has gone on for generations and generations, and governments use it to cloud the fact that they are not the voice of the majority.

Unity builds strength to overcome and conquer.

Walk with me down the hallway of a very well known children's hospital, in one of these rooms to the right or left you may find your child desperately clinging to life while waiting for an organ transplant. For your entire life, you've been programmed to believe any combination of hateful things about a specific group of people living among us. Are you going to stop the very surgery which could save your child's life just to make sure that the organ she was matched with didn't come from one of your sworn "enemies"? Of course, you wouldn't. 

Can you now see that whether you see things biologically, fundamentally, emotionally, socially, or psychologically...  At our very core, we are all the same. We all have the instinct to bond with and be nursed by our mothers. We all long for companionship, learning, fun, love, sex, excitement, etc. We all require food, water, sunlight, sleep, and shelter to survive. We all have the same internal organs.

Perhaps before we take on marketing for "everyone on earth", we are best to start at the rudimentary. Shut off the TV and try to keep it simple by looking in the mirror with an honest focus. See ways we can break the cycle of negativity starting with things that we actually can control, ourselves. Maybe come up with a list of positives in our lives... 

What are we grateful for? What makes us smile?

Then take those answers and share them with another person that we may not appear to have anything in common with. Look at a stranger and find a positive about them, and pay them a compliment. Not to receive one back, but to know we dropped a hit of positive energy in their day whether they asked for it or not. Make a game of it, but be genuine in our words toward each other, even if we do this just once a day, it will change our whole world for the better. Providing our world with the counterbalance is imperative. It won't be long before we find out just how much the little things DO matter! 

We would probably benefit greatly by putting down the gadgets and "reality TV" and other tripe we've lowered our standards to be subjected to. This would provide us with a real-world ability to increase our awareness of real events happening in our world. People still do nice things, animals still save lives, kids can still be kind to each other, sunny days come after the storm which was needed as a way to cleanse the land, at times people recover from cancer and other diseases, accidents can often be prevented, tragedy narrowly averted, marriages can sometimes be saved, communities unite in times of disaster, even criminals are sometimes rehabilitated and choose to devote their lives to helping others. 

Test yourselves. Try to take a day, or even a week off... from TV and the so-called "news" that is being fed to us by the negatively biased media outlets. If we actually LIVE a little rather than EXIST allowing life to be force-fed to us from some man-made digital God, we might stop actively seeking the BAD in every culture, person, place, idea, opinion, or situation, and maybe even allow our minds to let in a few rays of GOOD again. 

If you ever wonder why small children are so full of love,

it's because they haven't been PROGRAMMED by news reports, in fact, when the news is on, they find something else to explore and enjoy... Perhaps it's an instinct or an allergy to bullshit!

We CAN all be happier, more content, and more motivated to make the NEXT positive change in our lives if we would just open our eyes a little wider, expand our focus, get off our ASSES, and use our brain the way it was designed... To think FREELY and to LEARN. 

WE STILL RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE HOW MUCH SHIT WE ARE WILLING TO TAKE!

Fanatics and Tyrants, Terrorists and Citizens

The conspiracy theorists and their internet talk radio shows are the real terrorist groups in this country, spouting off about a tyrannical government and selling their rhetoric and propaganda to weak minded people with less than ideal emotional stability. Telling them to buy assault rifles and prepare for government tyranny. Keeping them all on high alert after an election, giving them more reason to hate the current president, and telling them the media isn't reporting the truth about another school massacre, that the "killer" was merely a patsy and that the government is coming to your door next week, to take away your guns!"

Responsible gun owners, do not stockpile assault rifles in their homes, preparing for the "tyrannical government" to come try to take their guns. Responsible gun owners are the people who own a hunting rifle, even a pistol. Whether for sport or protection, they are not INVITING a firefight for any "government agency" who wishes to take their guns away. Fanatical crazy people are buying assault rifles and collecting them just LOOKING for a reason to use them. The government has every right to want to remove these automatic weapons from the hands of unstable individuals, however... for every legally obtained gun in this country, I am willing to bet there are several black market firearms. The real threat is not the people who allow the "government" to know they have guns in the house. Aside from the few idiots who are dumb enough to let them know they have multiple assault rifles... maybe THEY are the patsy's? How else would taking guns from responsible and sane people who register and apply for the necessary licenses help reduce the number of violent gun crimes in this country?

I think the government might have a better shot at trying to bring something to the table that might shut up the fools that are feeding the crazies, telling them to stop drinking the water and stop taking their meds... They are creating an army of domestic terrorists, fanatical and racist. Feeding their minds with thoughts of "race wars" and "FEMA camps" and "Lizard people" and so on. 

I do not like the direction that American society has turned in, however, I am a law abiding citizen. I'd feel far less comfortable around a racist, militant atheist, doomsday prepper than I would around a suspended cop with a drinking problem. 

I have come up with some great ideas in my life, every one of them someone else already beat me to... I am certain that if I can see a clear difference in the psychology of a lunatic with a gun and a responsible gun owner, that the government of the great country I live in can see it as well. My discomfort of fanatical behavior is based on healthy instinct, nothing short of miraculous given my history.

Historically Hindered: The Roles Will Eventually Roll, Full Circle

Let me be the first to admit that I was a spoiled, selfish, materialistic, child.

Was I born that way? NO. 

Did society help mold me? YES. 

Did my parents help enable that to happen? YES.

Did they do the best they could with what they had given the circumstances? YES.

Kids growing up a decade before me, and a decade after me appear to be at different ends of this spectrum. It's as if no parent knows how to relate to their own child today, because each generation is technologically advanced 10x over the last. For example: My parents didn't have color TV or Cable, so they couldn't relate to my addiction to shows. I didn't have internet or life-like video games, so I can't relate to my child's addiction to electronics. 

The word, "addiction" may appear to be used loosely in this case. However, in my recovery I have learned about how unmanageable my life became because of my addiction, and the loss of values that came with defending my right to have my vice. If a child isn't doing his homework or chores, if he is not eating, sleeping, bathing, or going to school, but rather playing online or gaming until all hours of the night... If he is lying about the amount of time he is engaged... If he is becoming combative when confronted, or physically aggressive when his "toys" are taken away... If his life is completely unmanageable due to the use and abuse of technology... Your child may be addicted. 

When I was a kid my parents had one TV in the whole house, we didn't even have cable until I was 14. However, even then I wasn't allowed to sit and watch TV, my parents had control. Kids today have smart phones, MP-3 players, e-readers, tablets, handheld video games, and portable DVD players. When I was a kid, no TV for a week was not a punishment, it was a way to get more into something else for a week, I was still allowed to listen to music on my stereo (the walk-man came later). Today, no gadgets for a week is next to impossible. The parents' frustration is mounting, yet excuses are ridiculous, "He needs it for school... I can't take his phone away, how will he reach me... I don't want him to feel like he doesn't have the things all the other kids have". Would we be saying the same thing if all the kids had crack pipes or syringes and the drugs to put in them? Of course not. But since I am the once active drug addict who became an adult with no life skills, and feeling like I was a decade behind my classmates... I believe I am qualified to recognize the ways my addiction will manifest in whatever behavior it can based on what is at my disposal. 

Does that mean all video game addicted kids will become crackheads? No, BUT if you anger one enough by taking away his toys, he may act out and if the wrong people are outside when he does, anything is possible. 

So why not home school our kids and keep them close to us at all times? That is how some choose to handle things, however are they gaining any life skills that way?

As a parent, I feel a moral obligation to teach my child good work ethic, hygiene, basic survival, basic financial, and basic interpersonal skills. This way at 18 if they wind up out in the real world, they can last a little while before realizing that they aren't so tough. That was my theory anyway, however there are always outside influences which can counteract your parental teachings, and this was my experience. 

I was busy doing drugs and destroying my credibility when my peers were building a foundation of life skills. I was barely able to support myself, when I became pregnant and forced to support another. I did give up drugs and alcohol the minute I suspected that this was the case. I did a really great job as a mother for the first seven or so years. Everyone who knew me would agree. In the beginning, I lived with my mother, who would continuously under mind me, she would wake the baby from a sound sleep to play with her when she got home from work at night. We would fight, and we did, constantly. So I conditioned myself to leave as soon as my mother arrived every night. The only place I could go was the bar... and even then I wouldn't drink hardly ever. I would have a soda and a late dinner and my "friends" would show up. I did this every night and weekends I was rarely home at all, because the toxicity between my mother and I was too high to subject a baby to.

Before I knew it, my mother was retired, I was working 2nd shift, and control of my child was lost. This became more clear when I moved out and enrolled my kid in school, the behavior issues began, the hygiene issues began, the eating and TV control issues began. The kid had way more stamina than I had patience. The school, the police, therapists, everyone was involved, because I had asked for help. The battle became harder to win when I took my weekends and used them as a way to escape. My mother took my kid and I got high. The length of the weekend got longer and longer, soon my mother would be making a 40 minute commute daily to my child's school and I didn't even live in the town anymore.

Roughly 3 years later, I made a conscious effort to rebuild my life, beginning with my addiction. I was homeless, jobless, penniless. I was not allowed in my mother's home, my father was not speaking to me, my true friends had washed their hands of me, and my new friends, well most of them were dead or in prison by now. I begged forgiveness of my child, and my mother, I went into the hospital for a while, sober living, therapy, 3 meetings a day. Finally the words of forgiveness were spoken. I thought I was making progress, however, these were only words, the words that I wanted to hear, no less. There was no meaning behind the words, no truth, no love, no merit, and no ACTION. The relationship with my mother became increasingly volatile, my 12 year old has discovered the internet, video games, and junk food. I tried to invoke my motherly duties and try to  steer the ship back on course, however my good intentions were met with resentment and resistance. These feelings simmered in a pressure cooker for another 6 years. While I was working on me, building a foundation of the skills I missed out on in my youth, my child was stewing with bitter anger toward me and there was no healing taking place at all. A high school drop out, spending all time time on the internet and playing video games with friends and never even bothered to get a driver's license, personal hygiene had become deplorable. My enabling mother continued to bankroll the whole operation.

When my child turned 18 the muscle flexing began, there was no way to avoid the verbal onslaught which I would receive. It's been months now and our relationship is at an all time low, however I have done far too much work on myself and my life to allow anyone to use or abuse me at any time. This includes my own child. She resents the way I try to help her assimilate her lack of enthusiasm toward growing up to the same underlying illness which feeds my addiction. The person is different, the symptom is different, however the disease is the same. The anger, the rage, the finger pointing and the blame, all comes from fear and uncertainty, right now it is all aimed at me.

There comes a time when we all realize the best outcome of a losing battle happens when the person with the greatest arsenal simply walks away. I feel emancipated and physically, I feel healthier, almost as if I have overcome a great illness. I feel no guilt, no shame, and I harbor no ill will. I live with a lighter heart, my family doesn't define me, and their lack of love will not condemn me. I am free today.

AA is a group of sick people working to get well, we go to learn how to live a quality life without alcohol (and/or drugs). With the help of those who came before us, we watch the others, we take what we need and we leave the rest, we try to live a day at a time without hurting one another, and we work on our individual shortcomings rather than pointing out the shortcomings of others, these are all things that do not come easy for the alcoholic, which is why we keep coming, and in time, things get better. We learn about things like patience and tolerance, we hear and see slogans on banners that say things like, "Live and Let Live" and they suddenly start to mean something to us, we are able to reflect back upon our own behavior in early recovery, and we start to see how sick we truly were, and years later, if we keep doing the next right thing, we can still see how sick we continue to be, or still are! We learn how to be grateful that this is a journey not a destination, nothing is meant to be done perfectly. I have days where I want to jump out of my own skin rather than to listen to someone dumping their problems on the group, however, I also have days where my problems feel like the most catastrophic issues of the world and when I try to talk about them everything comes out like a manic cyclone of drama and emotion... I don't want to be viewed as the over dramatic psycho, but maybe that is my fear of people actually getting to know who I am inside, childish, grandiose, and insensitive...

18 and Straight-Edge, STILL My Daughter

The more things clear up for me, the sharper the reality becomes. I am a product of two people who have always had their own internal, personal, or even psychological issues and both continually make the same poor choices, and refuse to acknowledge that they "own" even a fraction of accountability for the things that happen in their lives as a result.

That is OK, I have no control over them, or how they wish to live their lives, and I made one poor choice in leaving my daughter with one of these people when I was actively abusing drugs and couldn't take care of her myself. Sort of a lesser of two evils decision, there really wasn't a better one in hindsight. So for the past 6 years while I've been soul searching and working through 12 step programs to make a serious effort to improve my thinking on a daily basis, my child has been living in the very toxicity which I could not bear. I did make room for my daughter to come and live with me, repeatedly extended the offer over the past 4 years and finally stopped asking. She knows that she wouldn't be allowed to live the way she does where she is. (Up all night on the computer or playing video games, sleeping all day, no job, poor hygiene, no structure, no therapy, no school). I can't control how a teenager behaves, but I can lay down the boundaries of what I am willing to tolerate in my own home.

Needless to say because my child has not lived with me for several years and is now 18, she's not really interested in the whole mother daughter relationship. I have talked with her about drugs, about alcohol, about sex, about peer pressure, about anger and rage, she views everything as a lecture, and responds with "I know, Mom". She won't talk about anything but girl gossip and teen-aged drama, I don't  know what to give her on birthdays and holidays, because she is so over-indulged to begin with. She's over 300 pounds, her inevitable addiction has manifested itself in food, although she denies it. I don't know how to help her and suddenly it becomes clear that she doesn't WANT my help. I can't be the one who helps her, I get that, but I am the only one trying. In fact, I am the only person in my family working on improving my life, and that makes me the enemy.

My daughter, views me as an asshole for having not pulled my head out of my ass 12 years before so that I could have been the mother she imagines I would be. My mother thinks that insanity is a choice and blames my father's side of the family for the choices I made which "made [me] crazy". Both are living in the past. I made my amends, and continue to, I follow through by being available and reliable and keeping my promises, my temper improved, although there were many days when I had to cut my visit short, as my bullshit meter was in the red and I was about to blow a gasket.

Which brings us to yesterday. Thanksgiving Saturday with my mother and daughter, out to lunch and to a movie... We get to the restaurant and my anorexic mother says she doesn't want to eat, but orders a meal anyway so that my food addicted daughter can have two entrees. When I make a comment about it, my daughter decides she doesn't want anything at all. The tension begins, there is a disturbance in the force, and I am already the bad guy for having pointed out the obvious. Then we go to the movie, walking back to the car, it is COLD out, my daughter is dressed for early fall not 30 degree weather, starts complaining about the temperature. I point out that she's not dressed for the weather, she argues that her winter coat is no warmer... Naturally, I say, do you need a new winter coat? She says "No, I hate the cold weather" (she has never lived in or even visited ANY other climate). My response is, "OK then, get a job and move out to a warmer part of the world" She SNAPS before I know it she's gone, now my mother and I are sitting in the car while she has her tantrum somewhere outside in this cold which she cannot handle... 30 minutes go by and she finally gets in the car, I ask her why she took off, especially if she is "so cold" she flips out again, almost psychotically, screaming at the top of her lungs and making little to no sense.

The general barrage of fuck you's and I hate you's were followed up by, "You were never there" and "you don't even care" as it turns out, the trigger phrase that had set her in motion was the "get a job" part. "I've been trying so hard to get a job, Mom, you don't even know." A better parent may have allowed this to end right then, however my parents did me a dis-service by not calling me on my lies and bullshit. Earlier in the week and again in the day, I had asked my daughter if she had tried on ANY of the $200.00 worth of clothes that I had bought her 5 weeks prior, "not yet" was the response. Considering those clothes were "help find and secure a job" clothes... Considering every one of her "posts" on social media sites was something about video games or horror movies, and had been time stamped all throughout the hours of the night when most people sleep, and my mother had been complaining to me that she sleeps all damn day long when most people job hunt, I called her out. I threw the bullshit flag, without a notion of my how my actions would be received, and it was ugly.

Although emotionally hung over, I do not regret what I did. I placed the accountability back on my 18 year old, because my mother never did (on either of us). Of course blame has been passed through the family several times, not the same, and not something that I have time for. My daughter has adapted her skills to be in shape for the blame game and this has become very convenient for her. I made it very clear that I wouldn't allow her to lie to herself in my presence. We all make our choices, and we are not victims of the consequences when we make one that doesn't turn out the way we WANT it to. Since life is such a learning experience, I am grateful today for the consequences of my choices, some are a jagged pill to swallow, but all are a direct result of the way I choose to make decisions.

My mother and daughter may never change, what changed yesterday was my participation in their game. I do not have to go to every fight I am invited to. I've changed and I will continue to change, I am a work in progress and I do not do everything right. However, I crawl beneath no one, and owe no more apologies to this family. My amends are continued as I live and continue to grow and continue to learn from the errors of my ways, like any adult is meant to do. I hate the thought that my daughter is inevitably going to have to suffer through some of the most difficult times of her life, almost needlessly until she finds that she's lying to herself and that blame doesn't matter. Other people's behavior doesn't matter, as it is uncontrollable, that all she can control are her own actions and reactions to her choices and consequences. However what she finds along the way is part of her journey, not mine, and I refuse to be abused any longer.