Still... Not a Butterfly!

I'm learning that old, tired phrase, "midlife crisis" is a very real thing. Of course, it doesn't have to be a "crisis", should we learn to embrace it... 

I need to imagine myself going through a complete, biological metamorphosis from which I will emerge as my best self. Humans, after all, like all living organisms, go through many transformations throughout life. Some more noticeable than others, all are necessary, and all serve a greater purpose, none however begin or end when we think, say, or suggest they "should".

Things we previously enjoyed, we now find no interest in, things we did not appreciate in the past, we may see from a new perspective and are drawn to today. These changes may be permanent or just temporary, at this point, it matters not. What's important is that are evolving, growing, learning, absorbing and adapting for the next chapter of our lives. 

Others may not receive us well, they can't always be consciously aware of what we are struggling with. Explaining it just freaks most people out. We aren't generally conscious of the personal struggles of others and if everyone just blubbered all over us about theirs, we'd want even less to do with all of it!

Day to day interactions are often uncomfortable for us, we don't feel like ourselves... This shit is as awkward like puberty and embracing the changes can be as terrifying as being forced down the birth canal and facing life for the first time all over again. Regardless of what we think we know, we are headed into a realm of the less familiar, in many cases, the unknown.

There are a few things I feel we can do to alleviate the emotional toll of this terra incognita:

• Listen to your Inner Monologue.

The way we speak to ourselves, about ourselves... Don't DO anything, just listen and identify whether it is kind and honest providing the necessary peace of mind to move forward, or is it harsh and hurtful which might suggest there's likely something preventing us from taking the next step forward.

• Reflect on the Past Free of Judgement.

Ask yourself what you've learned from such memorable mistakes, have you paid your debt or penance for these actions? At the end of the day, allow time for a system of "checks and balances" based on how you feel about your day, your behavior, yourself as a person and what you'd like to do differently or better in the event you are graced with another day on the green side of the grass. 

• Forgive Yourself!

We call all embrace the lesson(s) and put our knowledge into action moving forward, clean our sides of the street accordingly, and finally... cut the emotional cord!
I've caught myself saying horrible things out loud in the shower, actually talking to myself in a cruel and with  angry about mistakes, embarrassing moments,
You may be a fantastic human, but all humans make mistakes... 

Who keeps a photo album illustrating all of the days/weeks/months/years they spent self-loathing? Why carry it around with you for the rest of your days?

• Have Gratitude.

Although things can be overwhelming and we may feel as though everything in life is so much worse than ever...
Think positive, they say... I'm usually positive things couldn't be worse, until they actually get worse!
So today, I try not to focus on the fact that I don't have enough money to book my next vacation. Instead I create realistic, achievable goals for myself, a reasonable time frame, and a plan of action. In the meantime, I think about the number of things I do have, I can do, etc. Gratitude helps get me out of my head, out of the shit, and onto more productive ways of utilizing my time.

If you feel as though you can't find anything to be grateful for, consider everything you have and CAN have, everything you see or simply the fact that you can see. Be grateful for those you care about and those who care about you, for the breath in your lungs, the beat in your heart, for your gifts or abilities, even the smallest of personal triumphs, another day filled with opportunities, or even for clean underwear. Being grateful just feels immensely better!

Words and phrases can easily become pitfalls! It can be very difficult to get out of a negative mindset once we submerge ourselves in one. Our expectations may set us up for disappointment, frustration, and a tremendous loss of hope.

I've found myself telling everyone else what their job is, how to do it properly, and sputtering on about all of what's wrong with the world and what I believe "should" be. Should is a word I try to avoid today, and in my head, I've begun to replace it with, "Not my circus, not my monkey"... If it is not my job to fix (__fill in the blank__), I need to accept it, and if I can influence it, but have spoken up once about it, I have no need to beat a dead horse. I can change myself, and only myself which is hard enough with everything I have invested in me... Why would I even want to try to work on someone else?

The bottom line for me is this; if I feel as though I need to change the behavior of everyone I encounter, the issue is not everyone, the issue is me. Acceptance of the way things are versus the way I wish them to be is the single most difficult bridge I've ever had to cross, and yet somehow, I have repeatedly found myself back on the wrong side of it!!

Ohhhhh yes. I am... very much human, I do try so very hard to 'morph, but STILL... I'm not a Butterfly!

DIRTY LAUNDRY BLOG: Grab Some Pussy... and Everybody Wins ...

As we enter the future discussing subjects like which age will be appropriate for a child to choose its own gender, I can’t help but wonder how many people think of the consequences we face everyday for the thousands of shitty decisions we’ve made to get us to this point.

We used to live by a code of ethics which was paradigm. Whether biblical or simply moral, there was a fundamental difference between Right and Wrong, or shall we say Good and Evil. In most families this code was strictly enforced in various, often physical manners carried out by our parents (or the nuns) depending on which school system you were enrolled in.

This was a time when there was ONE rebel in the classroom the other kids were terrified to act against the code. They all feared their parents’ wrath… until...

Television became the babysitter:

Both parents forced to work, more single parent households, alcoholic parents, whateverthefuckever. Most parents didn’t have time to review their kids’ daily activities. Reflecting back I’d simplify it by saying, ‘The more time kids spend watching TV, the more their minds are exposed to. The less you can shelter them or protect them from…’ 

When kids acted out, parents found out and usually set them straight with a swift kick in the pants… Suddenly a day came when a thing called a, “Time-out” took the place of a well deserved smack on the ass. The unexpected shift in control would lead to our rapid decent down this fucking rabbit hole.

The subsequent rebellion would later lay the groundwork for a new phenomenon known as the “cool parent”. This is where parents make efforts to become “best friends” with their kids, which would inevitably evolve and give birth (breach birth) to the “everybody wins” movement which formed a thick layer of bullshit around the whole cause and effect thing, which completely inverted our... well, REALITY.

Since we were escaping reality and no longer had a need to work toward our achievements, and with nobody to control us, the internet appeared, catapulting us into the future of limitless irresponsibility... 
This was television to the millionth power. The world wide web mutated radically like an infectious disease from “Information Superhighway” to, “Everything you can think of and a ton of shit you wished you hadn’t read about”, while becoming our most necessary evil. Today, our social existence, world infrastructure, and black market rely heavily if not solely on the internet. 

So we whine, we blog, we rant, we complain. We write negative reviews of businesses with free products or services the ultimate goal. We criticize the world but we continue to do little or nothing to improve ourselves. After all, there’s got to be a restart button or a pill we can take to make us bonafide grown-up when the time is right, right?

A pill because you’re too sad or too anxious or too hyper or too tired. A pill to make your unruly 5 year old sit still and stay focused, a pill to make you lose weight between your celebrity recommended ice cream and cupcake diet. A pill to make you feel, or a pill to make you not feel, but nothing to make you cope. How the hell do we cope… with loss, failure, rejection, success, expectations? Do they teach that in school? 

I was raised to suck it up, understand there were no “do overs”, which brings me to my personal anguish: 

After years of misery, infidelity, shame and humiliation, my father left. He married a woman with 3 kids. He got his “do over”, a whole family. He was such a success, bringing order to a disorderly single mother’s life. Family vacations and a whole new life. I was a teen at the time, today I’m 44, so I would have or at least, should have, made peace with it by now, and I have, or so it would seem… until... This past week Dear ole Dad was in town for the holidays with his “family”, although we had plans for dinner, he blew me off... I spiraled into a nightmaric depression, it felt as if all of those old scars were wide open and fresh, I couldn’t eat or sleep or speak and this blog was born.

… and since I mentioned my father…

My mother has always had her own method of dealing with things. Lie about everything and wash it all away by devoting your time to the church. Uncomfortable subject? We don’t talk about such things... An answering machine plugged directly into the phone jack for screening calls, if my mother feels like returning your call she will plug in a phone and call you back, but don’t hold your breath. I once spent 2 weeks in a hospital, the staff had been leaving messages, but she never returned a single call. She got her “do over” by manipulating my daughter into her deceitful story. The woman hasn’t taken my calls for years and even though she has my phone number, she tells people in town that she has no idea where I am. 

Not all of the evil lurking in the wings of the Catholic church is in the form of pedophile priests.

I honestly grew up thinking there was something terrible about me, that I wasn’t worthy of being loved, not even by my own parents. I was on a reckless path, often suicidal. Many of my friends’ parents took a liking to me. Some of them even took me in over the years, I am eternally grateful to those people and their families for treating me with unconditional love and respect, even when I didn’t respect myself. I may have been an adult, but emotionally I was still a helpless, rejected child. I not so secretly filled the void like so many before me, with sex, drugs, and heavy metal music.

Speaking of Sex...

Like it or not, Sexual misconduct is a cornerstone of American behavior. Best selling books, movies, TV shows and the jokes we laugh the hardest at, even our favorite songs; shamelessly objectify women and suggest an open platform to talk about it. We sex up our child stars and wonder why they grow up so fast. Celebrities, sports heroes, public officials have been the center of scandal since the beginning of time. We elected for president, a man who bragged about grabbing women by the pussy, for fuck sake. We can’t turn around and play the prude, becoming outraged and offended when a comedian asks for a hand job!

Speaking of pussy grabbers:

Donald Trump as president is the answer to our corrupt government as releasing wild predators into a middle school cafeteria is the answer to our opioid epidemic. 

Repeating half ass bullshit that we hear from half ass sources or drawing our own outrageous conclusions from creative headlines does not count as research. We’ve become lazy. We aren’t accountable for our own actions or mindful of the role we can play in things to come. We just sit on our asses and watch shit happen then we feed into it like mindless drones, because we just want to be entertained.

Chew on my thoughts:

• We won’t put an end to racism by tearing down monuments or building walls. 
• We can’t be lazy while complaining about lack of job or money. 
• While arguing your constitutional rights, respect my constitutional rights.
• Don’t be a sucker for catchy headlines and propaganda.
• Nowadays it's counter-intuitive to single out a group of people and expect them to follow separate rules or laws. 
• So if you’re offended by a word, stop using it, then encourage the people you hang out with to stop using it as well. 

What was once paradigm has violently shifted to become our paradox. Selfishness is the root of our society today, it’s become necessary to use evil to achieve good or at least what’s good for me in the moment...

OK So the moral of this ridiculous collection of fragmented, manic-depressive rage induced rants, is that we can’t have it both ways… 

Sacrifice is when you give up something today in the interest of something better for tomorrow. What we’ve done isn’t a sacrifice, we’ve abandoned our morals to be socially accepted. We still want people to think we are “cool”. Which is not cool, we’ve made it known that we are blissfully ignorant, easily distracted, and pathetically predictable. 

A classroom full of wannabe rebels who grew older but never grew up… 

My wish for 2018 is that we will band together and learn to respect and embrace each other’s feelings, ideas, cultures and differences, so we may strengthen the moral fiber of our future and actually work together toward bettering the world we live in.

Surreality: When Your Country is Having a Manic Episode

When people lie and contradict themselves do you call therm out or do you silently watch and listen just to see how far they'll run with their bullshit? I used to watch, then I started calling people out, today I'm at a loss, I'm tapping out, admittedly powerless.

A fatuous, rich guy spews outlandish claims, false accusations, contradicting promises and mundane catch phrases. His local audience once entertained, suddenly can no longer get a grasp on how to process the absurdity of his antics.

When that same obnoxious, rich white guy becomes the leader of a nation, a now global audience stands paralyzed, watching more closely, unamused, horrified.

What seemed so surreal before, so ludicrous, so impossible; has indeed become an irreversable work of historical nonfiction.

This kind of reality warrants escape. The convoluted web of selfish, greedy, closed minded, hate mongers that make up local, city, state and federal government is too tangled to cut through. Let Washington fuck up Washington.

Resurrect the hippy movement, organize peace rallies. We must gather together with positive people who truly care about the well-being of The PEOPLE.

Abandon the pull off social media, trashy television programming and soulsucking video games. Focus on our children, teaching life lessons and lost skills... like patience, tolerance, work ethic, accountability for ones actions, and how to cope... with loss, with life and with general disappointment.

It does not matter what color your skin is, who your parents were, what country you were born in. If you stand for peace, freedom, love, honesty and kindness, you are one of us.

We can join together and become large enough to make a difference in this crazy world.

Faith Based on YOU

Faith is not something that need be proven.

One either has faith, or does not.

No Faith is ever wrong; all Faith is equal.

Where you place your Faith is your business.

No human can strip you of your Faith.

Faith judges not, Faith hates not; Faith declares no war.

Faith is not religion, Faith knows no bounds.

Faith is Hope, Faith is Love; Faith is Grace and Dignity.

At times we are overwhelmed; we may not see a way out. Faith is what allows us to let go of the excess weight of these burdens and accept that whatever comes next is a necessary part of our journey.

Faith allows us to brush ourselves off and take the next step. Our enlightenment shows in the way that we carry ourselves through and out of life’s difficult days, the way that we reflect back on our struggles and what we learn about ourselves from the process.

Enlightenment can last for moments but no award or trophy can be displayed, it takes action to maintain. It is seen by others as spiritual growth, positive light, and serenity. I see it as a power of example.

Above My Pay Grade

Most of my life, I have been told to “let it go” or to “practice acceptance”. Some things are just the way they are; I ‘can’t fix it, change it or influence it’. I’m wasting time and energy on things outside of my control. (Yes, you probably did utter one of these phrases to me at least once before).

This may very well be true; however, I’m not comfortable throwing my hands in the air and going the opposite way of my own moral compass.

It has been sanctioned, “a win is a win”, and “passing is not failing”, but the facts remain, an A is still better than a D. We continue to underachieve to a point that somehow, “fuck it, good enough” has become the common goal that we set for ourselves to reach.

I can’t see hating someone I never met, believing in something I haven’t witnessed, or selling something I haven’t tried, but that’s my choice. I’m not suggesting anyone follow my lead. Perhaps knowing our own limits is half the battle. How low are you willing to go? Be honest with yourself when answering the following:

1. Do you have standards or will you settle for anything that works in the moment?
2. Do you encourage yourself to learn new things or would you rather get told about things from someone else’s angle?
3. Do you read about current events, foreign relations, international news, or science from reputable sources, or do you just skim over headlines in social media before you react?

I’ve found many people are exhausted, they don’t know what to believe or which way to turn, who to believe. Opposed to the idea of trust, people are emotionally drained… subjugated, too tired to read or even to think. This struggle is real; we are intellectually, beat-down… Life is spinning in so many directions at once, we can’t stand still and when we try to catch up, we fall down. 

When we open our eyes, our real is so overwhelmingly surreal; our industrious minds are struggling to conceptualize the time passed, as we often feel its impact in miles per hour.

It just doesn’t make sense. Such a defiant society it is; doing the exact opposite of what we were taught. We strive to have no responsibility, but yearn to feel needed. We want to be credited and compensated for a positive outcome, but claim zero accountability for our behaviors’ negative effects. We compare ourselves to [what little we know, but think we see in] others. Still, with the fiercest entitlement, we expect that we can gain something great for doing absolutely nothing good.

The harsh reality is that we can’t have it both ways. We certainly aren’t doing America any favors by paraphrasing a catchy social media headline, taking the pulpit, and spewing forth our misguided opinions. If we wish to have information fed to us, we need to demand the information come from all sides. If we aren’t interested in hearing or seeing the information from other sides, we need to learn to have no opinion and practice some restraint, because without those facts, we have exactly nothing to offer.

This foolishness has been proved to be above much of the nation’s pay-grade, and clearly a job for the President. 

Didn't Get the Memo

I woke up one morning and realized the bar had been lowered. Mediocrity was the new standard we were setting for ourselves.

I later moved to Florida.

They had raised the bar.
... just high enough to trip over.

It can't be real, I'm stuck in a parallel universe... right?!?

How the @%!# did I get here?

I wanna go home!
... to a time and place that didn't include seeing the faces of Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton day after day.

I've been in mental hospitals with less depravity than this!

Get me outta here!

If I Should Die Before I Wake

Things to know about me.

I have always felt alone and helpless.
Since I was 7, when my mother watched me press a butcher knife against my own throat. Her reaction was not to help her child, but to hide the truth from the rest of the world. This would ultimately fill me with shame, far too young to understand.

I never felt like I fit in where I grew up.
I wasn't white, I wasn't black... I was mixed
I didn't have straight hair, I didn't have curly hair... I had frizzy hair.

My mother appeared to be ashamed of her heritage. UNLESS of course there was a way she might benefit, as with her career.

I grew up with no culture or education of my ethnicity.

I was raised in a small WHITE, Massachusetts town.

Today, I don't fit in with the people most like me, they don't understand me, they seem to know more than I do, my ignorance embarrasses me and causes me shame.

I don't know who I am supposed to be and I don't feel like I am worthy of love.

I guess I just feel like I don't have a beginning or a foundation... and I know that nothing without a foundation lasts for long.

Contemptuous Maternal Wrath

Your socio-biological theory was put to the test when you took hostage a vulnerable, confused, angry, abused, broken, young man and combined his DNA with that of your own. A calculated, sociopath; a shrewd and corrupt businesswoman, one who did whatever it would take to be elevated up Ma Bell’s corporate ladder in some delusional journey to Telecom Utopia.

Victor Frankenstein himself would tip his hat at your handy work. As the result would bear a broken, angry and confused little girl. Your rejection allowed her to feel alienated, unloved, and completely alone within her family. That little girl was exiled to room and inevitably deep into her own susceptible mind. 

The truth was revealed just a spoonful at a time. It is still too much to digest. However you simply weren’t willing to struggle as hard as other black women would. You had a brilliant thought; your execution was prodigal and rapacious. You surrounded yourself with only white people, you married a white man 10 years your junior after putting him through school and molding him to your desired image, you delivered a child who was half white and moved to an all white town. It was good for you, it looked good for your career and for your façade. You lightened your skin with make up, you spent no time in the sun, you spent as many hours away from home fixated on your career and the character you portrayed to the public. 

Your husband sought affection elsewhere, as did your daughter. Sex and drugs came long before puberty.

When you reached the point of realization that there was no one left to be further baffled by your bullshit at work, you made the lateral jump into the Catholic Church where you continued your performance, now as a modern day working class Mother Theresa… 

The hard-working breadwinner of the family, the mother of the lost child, the unsuspecting wife of the cheating scoundrel. 

You gained their trust, you formed a band of supporters, continued working at a reduced schedule of just 60 hours per week and suddenly your daughter and husband would be subject to the judgement and scrutiny of your newfound loyal fanbase, their community. 

This was too easy. You merely planted the seeds and let the small town church folk do the rest of the work for you. You could see the light so far off in the distance, and to you it was the ultimate win/win. 

Final stop: HEAVEN.

...

I've learned how the mentally ill believe the lies they tell themselves, but isn't that true of all human kind? 

Do you deserve a convenient excuse for your calculated and sociopathic behavior? Should it be written off as such? 

You were embarrassed by your own scion and ashamed of your roots. You found it better to cast out the child than to expose the darkness inside of the mother. 

Without knowledge of family history, ethnic culture, or even basic life skills, I would inevitably find myself young and vulnerable, much like the condition you met my father in, but with a child of my own in tow. 

Unbeknownst to me you had been dutifully preparing for this day. I was without resources,  I was scared and despondent, I had no choice but to capitulate. Desperate and depraved, I had somehow fallen into your debt... 

You took my daughter, turned her against me and closed the book; paid in full.

I assumed the darkness from you; and the debris of shattered emotions from my father. Gratefully, I inherited his empathy and analytical process. Of course, I always knew that I had failed you, I was truly nothing like you. I emit selflessness and love, you are pure poison. To your credit, I do have the ability to be devious and cunning, but to my father's credit, I have a conscience. The idea of hurting people the way you do turns to acid and burns deep into my heart. When I think about who my mother is, I feel vile and inhuman unworthy of any conventional solace.

Except for when I think of seeing you just one last time.

I become physically high on my mind’s preview:

I'm standing over you; my hand slowly tightens around your throat. I'm watching longingly for the light go out from your eyes.

Good bye once and for all; you pestilent, old wretch... good bye.

Ode to the Sea Turtle

I get sad when all the baby sea turtles don't make it to the water. Why would any god create something so cute to kill it? 
Sadly, it's simpler than that. Nature is a lifecycle.  Flowers are beautiful but don't live in full bloom forever, even when we leave them alone.

Simplicity is found within the complexities of Nature... bigger than man and his trivial matters.

The natural order of things... the food chain. 
A natural selection, there is no hierarchy, there are no labels. There are no obese birds or fish that ate too many baby turtles and can't get off their asses. They are able to follow their instinctual path for one very simple reason:

They don't have a choice.

When a baby sea turtle hatches, it does not have a choice of whether it wants the Armani shell or an iPhone 6, or Jordan's or an XBOX. The baby turtle's mother does not have anxiety about how cool her baby looks while he's fighting to survive the first day of his life.

No baby sea turtle has a better chance than another to survive. There are no rich turtles or royal turtle families or turtle cop's kids that get a better opportunity. There are no turtle addicts, no turtle dealers, no turtle therapists or turtle divorce courts, no single turtle moms working 3 jobs, no alcoholic workaholic dads, no manic sea turtles taunting death and behaving erratically. There are no turtle family funerals or creepy uncles or dysfunctional holiday dinners...
From their very first breath, all of the baby sea turtles get the same instinctual road map it says, "Get out of this eggshell and get to the water as fast as you can... go go go go!"

The adventures that turtle experiences are ruled by the laws and balance of nature.

Man is so egotistical,  part of nature's life cycle... our arrogance has allowed us to create our own afflictions.

One man had some loud opinions... some agreed,  some fought against him,  and the rest of us silently succumb to inner feelings of inadequacy.
Only a pimp or a bully instinctively know how to exploit & turn us out.
That's Government and Big Pharma.

The sea turtle has a stressful mission from birth and a very low survival rate.  Not to mention, they probably have more Universal significance than man, yet the sea turtle lives free of emotional hang ups.

Live life like the sea turtle.

Naturally.

Dirty Laundry Blog: 7/14/2015 PANIC AND DOOM

What happens to people when nothing is valued or earned? When everything becomes materialistic and disposable? How do we convey the satisfaction of working toward something to entitled children who only demand more?

What about when we aren't perfect, when we're tired, when we've worked our fingers to the bone for 30 plus years and don't have a damn thing to show for it? We've lost it all once, twice, or so many times we can't remember... but we're still drawing a breath so we ought to be grateful?

What do we do when we can go no further? When every fiber of our being screams for us to stop? When we can't endure another rant, whimper, vent, whine, bitch, moan, grown, tantrum, crisis or teardrop? When we realize nobody is interested in listening to our shit? When we wake up to the reality that it's everyone for themselves, and we've given everything we had so freely?

What do we have when we learn that love is a lie? When our self esteem is mutilated by the toxic bastards who gave us life? When we treat our partners like hostages? When we trade secrets on how to take without giving? When we pride ourselves on coming out on top and it means leaving another human being face down in our wake?

What does it mean when we cry for no reason? When we find pleasure in unpleasant thoughts? When we just can't do the every day tasks that we're supposed to do? When routine becomes such a fucking grueling chore that we would rather jump off a building and call it a day?

What do we do as people whose employers keep demanding more and we've got nothing left to give? When our souls are bought and sold and traded on the open market for their profit? When physical labor and skilled trades were once the bedrock of our civilization, now looked down upon like peasantry from the eyes of a prince?

What do we do when we've been to hell and back during life? When we've made amends and apologies? When we've learned to forgive and to live better and to lead others by positive example? When we can barely hold onto what little hope we have left? When our own simple ideology has no place in the prison-like world we've been sentenced to? When our recipe for happiness is ruined by the vile mephitis of decay? When we force ourselves to deny what we know in our hearts is true?

The grim fact that a foul stench is all that remains of a culture's morality.

What the fuck do we do?

Self-Centered LOVE? I'm in an Abusive Relationship with MYSELF!

I fall for liars, sociopaths, and egotistical narcissists... The reason is that I am all of these rolled into one. 

How can I expect a higher quality human being to fall into my world if I myself, am no higher in quality? Is there any such thing? Am I completely off my nut?

I have attached myself to poisonous people, like a barnacle to a boat. I've dedicated myself, lost my identity and haphazardly handed over countless, non-refundable periods of my life to them. I've even manipulated some and taken them hostage by secretly creating a disturbance, heroically rescuing them from it, ultimately forcing them to depend on me to survive for periods of time. Desperately clinging to the beam of hope that tells me, "YOU MATTER to SOMEONE". I'm your ride-or-die bitch. All in the name of LOVE?!? Well, the definition was loosely translated and adapted by my fucked up, demented mind, so who knows... Maybe in the name of a facade that I'm a good person.

Perpetually a work in progress, I have all the typical 'child of the 70's', daddy issues, along with some extraordinarily hateful resentments toward mommy... 

In addition to that which would later be classified as borderline personality disorder; you might find me sporting a little bling as well... The pristine specimen of attachment disorder I wear like a flower on my lapel often shimmers under an interrogation lamp; I'm a commitment-phobe, and truth be told, not a day will pass absent of sadistically sinister homicidal ideation or reservations of my own inevitable suicide.

I'm no victim for the way I feel or where I'm at; still alone at this point in life. I've brought myself far more pain and anguish than any normal person could be bothered to inflict upon another. Even my mother got tired of hurting me, eventually...

Why can't I stop? 

In fact, why can't I just walk away when I recognize the pattern? Am I masochistic? Do I really enjoy the pain? How can I be a stronger person? How can I reverse a lifetime of self abuse? I don't know where to begin, but the narcissistic egomaniac in me wants to profess my love to ME once and for all; since I possess such a colorful mind, I'm thinkin bout kickin' it off Dennis Rodman style! Shit, maybe that's what it is going to take. I've got a whole bunch of life left to live, anyway. I can't die until I've reached the peak of my success, I'm still fucking around in the foothills... I am sure it's all out of the fear. I guess that means get up in there and Blast that fucking fear, there's GOLD up in them hills. MY GOLD. This is MY TIME to WIN goddamnit, mine! 

Lifecycle of a Psychopath:

I remember when it was fuzzy. My imagination was formidable, my thoughts were dark, but never graphic. 

Later, as my mind began to develop, I began to realize pictures were developing as well. Incomplete and scattered, there was definitely something there. Difficult to distinguish, as though a child had been given the camera; out of focus, subject matter seemed to be cut off, perhaps viewed from awkward angles. 

My mind seems to have collected them for several years and one day haphazardly dumped them out all around me like a pile of puzzle pieces onto a mosaic floor.

Anxiety ensued, my perpetual state of bewilderment would commence.

Day after day, I spent overwhelmed; knowing I have to DO this life thing AND solve this puzzle. Alienated knowing that if I spoke of the puzzle I was certain to be cast out.

Over time it became part of my routine, sometimes there were days and weeks where I'd find myself sucked into the puzzle, especially once I learned to bring the like pieces to the table and group them to fit together. Now there are hundreds of thousands of small pictures, and still some fragments which are not complete. The big picture is nowhere near identifiable, though in some cases I am able to make out what the snapshots were of... Darker, thoughts; not unlike crime scene photos.

These photos get placed into a file and I return to the floor and bring more pieces to the table. It feels right, like I need to get it together, to organize these thoughts.

A metamorphosis occurred, or maybe I've simply unlocked the next stage in deciphering the enigma that is me. Whether I choose to actively participate or walk away from it, the transformations continue.

Those images in my head which were filed away are coming together on their own, they are evolving... I can start to see moving pictures, like a flip book. With that, a plot is beginning to emerge; sounds and aromas are entering into the background. I can't figure out if my senses are fueling my imagination or my mind is fueling my senses. 

I fear what is to come when the movie is complete, wondering if it will ever be complete. Feeling driven that I must see it through to the bitter end. Perhaps what I fear is to become the panacea for all of my woes.

Entitled and Foolish Children

How Our Enemies Will Defeat Us:

Why is America the most obese society on earth? We are entitled and lazy, arrogant and demanding. We want more than we need, better than anyone else’s, and we want it faster! Which is true of man since the beginning of time; we’ve evolved… We’ve discovered ways to be more efficient, in turn we’ve become more lazy and complacent. Our government needed to be more efficient so that they would still make all the profits. There’s a price to be paid one way or another.

Our society teaches us to pay other people to do the jobs that we don’t want to do: Cleaning, Landscaping, Painting, Farming, and oh yeah, we don’t want to pay them much. People come in from other countries and live here together and pool their money so they can survive and it’s FAR better than where they came from. We call them animals and we bitch because they are taking our jobs. The truth is we ARE NOT willing to live like they live, we ARE NOT willing to work as hard as they do, and we ARE NOT willing to get paid what they get paid. Americans are spoiled and entitled. Jobs need to be done, what we can’t afford to do in-house, we simply outsource.

In America it’s all about smart this and HD that, Wii this and iThat. None of these gadgets are manufactured here; in fact almost nothing is manufactured here. So we are already giving millions of dollars to foreign countries that may or may not have our best interest at heart. We think because we have “trade agreements” they won’t attack us.

They are attacking us. We’re too fat, dumb, and happy to know it, but they are.

Who drives 10 miles to run 5 miles on a treadmill (designed in another country with parts from another country, assembled here) where we can listen to our foreign gadget play digital music and wear our brightly colored foreign-made name brand sneakers and grab a bucket of GMO take-out for the family on the way home?!?  We are so lazy we need a phone that can do everything but wipe our ass for us. But we complain about privacy and pretend to worry about “big brother”. We haven’t got up to change a channel in 35 years and we wonder why our ass has worn a wider divot in the couch cushion.

We are addicted to instant gratification, our muscles are atrophied from lack of use, our necks are sore from texting and we have carpal tunnel from repetitive button pushing. We whine about the aches and pains, but we aren’t willing to actually do anything about it if it requires rigorous movement, exercise or further absence of our almighty convenience. 

So we take a pill.

Another product not manufactured here. This pill is promised to take your pain away. Again, there is a price for everything. Oh, you’re suddenly feeling sad? Try this pill, it will alleviate the sadness, and this one is for the suicidal thoughts associated with taking the pill for sadness, and don’t worry if it gives you muscle pain we have another pain pill for that. Now your legs are restless and your mouth is dry? Take this, it may cause hallucinations, so don’t drink on it, you might have a psychotic episode, but if you do, we have the remedy for that as well. 

“Oh so you’re addicted to the pills? The pharmaceutical company assured us they use only the finest opium from Afghanistan… I can’t see how that could happen, well since you’re addicted now, we aren’t going to give you anymore”. 

Now you are physically withdrawing and the pain has taken over and you will do ANYTHING to get a pill. Word is they are $50 on the street; let’s find one or two… A couple days later you’re sick again, the pain is worse, let’s get 4 this time… now they are too expensive. The guy with the pills says, “hey, I can’t help you with those pills anymore, but give this a shot, you only need a tiny bit; I’ll let you try this bag for free”. Hello Heroin. The progression takes over like a rapidly multiplying parasitic infection.

Incidentally, middle school and high school kids aren’t just smoking pot anymore. It’s too hard to hide from parents who are well versed in 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and 90’s life. Heroin is cheaper and easier to get and to hide… It’s not just in the inner city, it’s everywhere… 14 year olds are giving birth to heroin addicted babies and those babies are being treated with phenobarbital. Once an addict, always an addict; there’s no cure, only treatment.

While one large portion of our Nation is distracted from reality by the most cutting edge gadget, system, game, or device and can’t fathom wasting the effort to walk across the street to a neighbor’s house for coffee; another portion of our Nation is systematically being taken out by a whole new ideal in chemical warfare… created and funded by terrorists, foreign and DOMESTIC. 

As an American you have these rights:

If you don’t want to work, you don’t have to, if you don’t want to feel, you don’t have to, if you don’t want to try, you don’t have to.

In other countries; if you don’t work, you don’t eat.

If any of these other countries decided to attack us today do you think we the people would stand a chance?

Or would you go about your day with confidence, thinking, ‘that’s what the military is there for”? The very military who can’t get adequate care through the VA, the very soldiers who haven’t slept a solid night since their first deployment. The same military men and women treated with the same pills for sadness, and psychiatric issues and pain; becoming addicted themselves?

Perhaps another day with our heads in the sand will make it all go away and the internet will bring more celebrity gossip and grumpy cat meme’s with improved speed and bandwidth for us all. 

A Healthy Day of Reflection

Today was a good day. Work was good, and I got a super nice queen sized mattress and box spring from a very successful real estate broker in town via freecycle. 

My friend Jim was kind enough to help me get it strapped to my roof and get it home in true southern redneck style... I think he doubted me for a minute, but it worked out and that's what matters. 

The lady also threw in a set of nice silk sheets and a set of 1100 thread count luxury sheets too with 4 brand new pillows. Along with a brand new sponge mop, a dust mop, and a Swiffer... She has a small wicker dresser and a box of dishes she offered up as well. I will go over after work and pick the rest up tomorrow.

My new place is nearly furnished, I'll find a couch, maybe even a chair, a dining table, another dresser and a microwave over the course of the next few weeks I am sure. By then the OT will hit the bank and I will breathe easier.

I guess I've realized a few things in these past 11 months. 

We all come with our own brand of crazy. Some brands just don't mix with others. I mean if your brand is Betty Crocker and mine is Duncan Hines, we can do alright, but if your brand is Borax, and mine is Clorox things could get toxic pretty quick. Come to think of it, if one of us is Frito Lay and the other is SC Johnson, we could be poisoning others without realizing it. Lots of unhealthy relationships infect the people we care about. We don't usually know until we've lost them completely.

Trojan and Lifestyles sounds safe enough, but a Devil Dog in your Depends could mess up your day. Lysol in your Lifestyles... Tabasco in your Tampax! Oh I see this is gonna be a LONG, sleepless night where my brain won't stop.

The moral of this unexpected blog post is:

It's OK that you're crazy, but beware of your brand!! Remember your first chemistry set, then remember your teens.

Just what the hell were you mixing in that motel bathtub with a canoe paddle?!?!

Think about that... 

Why Did You HATE ME So?

I’ve spent most of my life wondering why you never loved me.

I’ve wondered why you didn’t want my father to love me, and why you didn’t want me to love my father.

I watched you push me away like you pushed him away and I allowed you to turn my daughter on me the way you turned me against my father.

I always felt like you hated me. Since I was 7 years old, I was pretty sure you didn’t want me. You worked a million hours and never wanted to be home with me. I used to cry myself to sleep at night with visions of you in a car accident or a fire and you were never coming home.

My father only tried to do what was best for me; he had no help and no parenting skills of his own. History would repeat as it did for me, with my daughter.

Dozens of hospitalizations and surgeries and calls from hospital staff and both institutional and outpatient therapists, not once did you answer the phone or return a call. As well as 7 years of sobriety and never did you come to support me, see me or help me in any part of my recovery.

But I’ve been out of your life and her life for so long now; I’m interested in hearing all about your success. How much better is life without me? How has my daughter matured in the time that you’ve had alone with her? Tell me how she’s doing at WORK, tell me how self-sufficient she is, and tell me how proud you are of her.

I have contacted her but she hates me. That’s all you. You got what you wanted all along, your second chance… You didn’t change a fucking thing. The only reason she’s not on drugs or drunk is because you made food her addiction instead. If she knew cocaine would help her drop 150 pounds she'd be stealing your checkbook just like I did.

The events of the day that ended my contact with you were truly insane. We were supposed to have Sushi for LUNCH, but you purchased a dinner sized entrée and gave it to her  to eat ON TOP OF the dinner sized entrée she ordered herself. You are feeding her like you did to me. She’s heavier than I ever was. That’s not emotional eating, that’s a LEARNED behavior. You TAUGHT us how to use numb the pain.

You took guardianship of my daughter and signed for her to drop out of school. You never wanted what was best for my little girl. You wanted her away from me. Now what do you have? You have your homegrown adult child, wearing out the furniture, eating everything in sight, running up the bills and going nowhere.

Yes, mother, your words ring true, I was always screwed up. Denial on your part that your contribution played a role, the only chapter from my childhood that hasn’t been amended. My life improves without the thought of you in it. My pain is lessened when you aren’t here to slice me up and rub salt into the wounds. I hate you for living long enough to hurt me that one last time but I am not angry with you anymore. My acceptance came when the 7 year old girl who lives inside my broken heart was finally able to mourn her mother’s soul. Damn you for stealing my daughter’s.

She will always be MY daughter, you can manipulate her memories, you can poison her mind with your lies, but you can’t wash me out of her DNA… Mark my words, if I die before you, I swear to EVERYTHING you find sacred, I will see she is protected while you suffer a long, grueling and painful, merciless death.

Intolerant

Inside of my gut is a rage that burns white hot.

I can't stand people who run off at the mouth about their opinions and try to force them upon others.

Are you an Atheist? Good for you, that doesn't mean everyone needs to be.

Are you a Mormon? Great, now keep it to yourself, I don't want to go to church with you.

Do you hate the government? OK, I heard ya. Shut up already.

Are you in love? Good for you, now can you rejoin the rest of this miserable society and get some work done?

I hate redundancy, patterns, repetition, 'same ole same ole' sorts of bullshit. I don't want to hear the same shit day in and day out, I don't want to watch the same shows, I don't want to eat the same food, I don't even want to fuck the same guy.

I can go from feeling good and comfortable in a relationship to homicidal maniac with nothing in between but a good nights rest.

Destined to die alone, or live in toxicity with crazy fucks like myself, I know I can't stand the state of the world and I have no power to change it.

Job Hunting or Online Dating?

I am seeing a new trend in job postings that say:  “Job Hoppers need not apply” yet I've observed:

Employers can pay you however little they want for as much work as they want to task you with. 

Employers can change the rules of the game at any time.

Employers can cut your position or let you go at any time without notice. 

Independent contractor and commission only jobs are increasingly common but the hours required never pay off in the end. (Who wants to work 80 hours for 100 bucks?)

I am looking for just ONE person that isn't pulling from a trust fund or living with a wealthy spouse or whatnot... Speaking with respect to today's economy and the decade leading up to it... 

One person who can honestly tell me that they would up and leave a great job, making good money, being treated well, and feeling appreciated... just to try something different every couple years.

Is there even one person actively LOOKING for a job who doesn't feel that they NEED to be?!?!

Personality profiles: "no right or wrong answer", my ass. These are designed for sociopaths and "company men" employers aren't looking for your HONEST answers, but instead they want to know that you can "tell them what they want to hear" even when it's a blatant and OBVIOUS lie.

Finding long term, gainful employment is worse than online dating; employers either want to use you and discard you, or they want you to sign your life over to them so they can systematically rape and torture you for the rest of your life.

The War Between My Ears

Dear _______, 

Oh how you frustrate me so! 

You've never failed to be right here whenever I need to see you. I love you for that... But I hate you, I wish you weren't always here, I wish I didn't have to look at you everyday. I try to ignore you, I try to believe the lies I tell myself, I wish you would just go away. Go Away, Get out of my life, I'm so sick of you!

Wait, Come Back!

I'm desperately crying out to you in the night, I need you, where are you? I am imprisoned in my own mind, I have no one to set me free but you. I need the solution, I fail miserably without you! Where have you gone, why won't you tell me the answer? I know you are there, reveal yourself!!

Ouch!! Why do you have to sting me so hard? Why does your very existence hurt me so? Why is pain the only method you use to present yourself to me? Can't you be more kind and gentle with me?

What do you mean I am not kind and gentle to myself?

What do you mean I won't remember the lesson if I don't feel it?

I hate when you're right. Why do you always have to be right? When will I know what's best for me? When can I have a chance to prove I can do it myself? I don't need you! I'll show you. You'll see! 

How could you? I can't believe you abandoned me like that. I hate you. Step up and show yourself! You are such a... You are so... Grrrr. I can't even face you right now!

Can you figure out "who" I'm grappling with?

If I told you the "TRUTH" would you re-read my blog post?

The Thing About Thinking Thoughts

We’re all human. That’s why we do this thing we do. You know…
The thing about thinking thoughts.

We think, and we over-think. Through our thoughts, we stumble onto revelation which in itself pleases us so much that we need to think all the more. What makes it dangerous is that we believe we are alone, we believe we are unique, we believe we are about to embark upon some undiscovered formula, some ancient secret meaning of life. We isolate ourselves with our thoughts and believe we are to improve our lives through improved thinking. We believe the lies we think to ourselves.

At the end of the day, we are who we are, we've thought, we've acted, we've thought about acting out. There is no change except for the changes we consciously make through action. Thought plays a secondary role to action; however action absent of thought is impulsive. Impulsivity seeds ignorance. Ignorance comes from misdirected thoughts, not from lack of thought at all.

One may think that the thought you are thinking when you think that you understand the thought behind my words, (which are often thought of as an example of over-thinking yet lacking forethought) could indeed be a sign that you think you’re smart, but you’re not smart, your fucked.

IN BOLD PRINT: My DISCLAIMER

I feel compelled to put out a disclaimer... There are some newbies to my world that may appreciate this, and some oldies who might want a refresher, so here goes.

I've been through my share of shit, and there will be more as sure as the sun rises and sets. The only people in my life who ever did me any good were the ones who had the balls to stand up to me and tell me when I was off the mark.

So if you're going through shit, and your behavior is causing you more harm than good, I'm gonna call you on it whether you want to hear it or not, whether you ask me or not. Here's why... Because I care? Yes, that's one reason... Bigger than that, it's because I expect the same from you in return when you see me acting a fool. If you can't stand up to me, you're afraid of me, and if you're afraid of me, you're not a true friend to me. I don't want someone to kiss my ass and tell me I'm right when I'm blatantly wrong... That's not a friend.

We can't see the apple on top of our own heads, it's nice when someone holds our hand and helps us out of harms way. It makes us want to help another person when we see it happening to them later on, perhaps our own children. It's inevitable, we ALL fuck up. We need each other to get through the hard shit sometimes, no matter how much pride we have, no matter how hell bent we are to do it ourselves.

So if I offer up some sort of perspective, know that it's not advice, it's not an attack, it's not criticism, it's an alternative viewpoint. That's all. Take it, leave it, chew on it, or fuck it. I wouldn't listen if I didn't care and if you expect me to listen, know I'm going to share my thoughts. Know that my thoughts aren't EVER going to kiss your ass or stroke your ego. Know that my thoughts arise from my own experience and the pain that I had to endure to get where I am today. Know that if you hold the title of my friend, I love you enough to be real with you.